Clemantics November part 2

CLEMANTICS November (2)

 

"MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU"

The Moggerwocky – or The Maytrix bites back

( a tribute to the genius of Lewis Carroll)

'Twas Brexit and the Right-wing Toads

Did plot and brawl within the ranks

All pumped up were the Boris/Goves

The Mogg-Moggwock and the other cranks

Beware the Mogg-Moggwock, my girl

This Toff will bite; the Mogg will scratch

Beware the Rudd-Rudd bird and shun

The duplicitous BoJosnatch

She took her strong and fabled Sword

Long time the Moggwock she sought

So stuffed is she by the Brexit Three;

Moggwock will kill with ne'er a thought

And as in huffish thought she stood

The Mogg-Moggwock, with eyes of flame

with Tory Bootlicker and more Dead-Wood

declaimed in Latin, as it came

Et Tu, Moggy-Mogg! Through and Through

The fabled sword went Snicker Snack!

She left him dead; and with his head

To number 10 went triumphant back.

“Thou hast slain the Mogg-Moggwock?

Said Bojosnatch, “ I hear?”

O Frabjous day! Callooh Callay

But BoJo's next ,I fear

'Twas Brexit and the Right-wing Toads

Did plot and brawl within the ranks

All pumped up were the Boris/Goves

The Mogg-Moggwock and the other cranks

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We return for more of:

The Daily Service from St. Theresa's The Church of Our Lady of Duplicity, Maidenhead

The Address

Given by The Right-Raving Don T. Rump, Ass-Bishop and Primate of the America 1^st Church

I'm Supa-delighted; Jumbo-delighted to be back here at St. Theresa's. Your High-Priestess and I have a very, very special relationship going (winks at congregation); we're both committed to the max, we've both fallen for me hook-line and sinker.

You know, since I was here last, I've been totally immersed, I mean top to bottom coveraged in the Old Testamony Book of Brexitus. Seriously, Melania reads me at least two verses each night as my bed-time story.

Let's catch up on the story so far. The guy Mose is awesome, huge, certain to win Most Valuable Player (MVP) at any Superbowl – a complete legend!

Mose has just parted the sea – no, I mean it, not FAKE NEWS - he's just parted the sea and marched the Brexitites across the Straits of Dover. They're safely in the Broken Promised Land. Mose is in town enjoying a bit of down-time, ordering up Milk and Honey shakes for his Generals.

Pharoah Barmier, a major sleazebag and a buffoon, was kooky enough to try to follow the man, Mose across the water. And, hey; guess what? They all got drowned as the waters rolled back in - Barnier, real screwball, total loser.

So now on with the story:

Brexitus 3 verses 1-15

1. So Mose is shooting the breeze in a bar in Dover, when Hammo, his Commander-in-Chief comes in. “ You know Mose” he starts off “ It's not working ; it's chaos out there – dudes doing all sorts of s..t 'cos we've no longer got any Eugyptian laws.”

2. Now Mose, is really mad at the C-i-C “ What's up with you, Hammo? Are you some Lightweight Choker? We're gonna get us some great Laws; not phony EUgyptian Laws; we're gonna get our own Fantastic Laws. See that Hill up there, Hammo, I'm gonna go right up that hill; right now and bring back some Laws”

3. So Mose high-tails outta town and starts climbing that Hill. As he climbs he can hear the Brexitites behind him cheering. Some are saying:

4.“Way to go, Mose; Climb that Hill, Mose! Climb that Hill!”

5.Others are yelling.“Take back our Laws, Mose! Bring it on Home for me, baby!”

6. When he clambers to the top Mose is a bit light-headed. He sits down panting.” That was more like a mountain than a hill. Mose don't feel too good ” he says to himself.

7.Now unbeknownst to Mose, Jeremiah-Bin-Corby, an insurgent, who is truly wacko, has crept into the Dover bar and spiked Mose's drink. Mose collapses to the ground; he is burning up, but it's not just him, whose burning up, a lone bush next to him bursts into flame – unbelievable; kapow it's on fire.

8.Then this super colossal voice comes from the bush and starts ordering Mose about:

“Get your ass back down the mountain it says; pick up those 2 tablets of stone I've left for you and give them Brexitites some new laws.”

9. Mose falls into a deep sleep for I don't know how long. When he wakes up he looks at the bush and it's like nothing has happened to it. Its leaves aren't even singed.

“I said it would take a miracle for Brexiting EUgypt to work but this wasn't quite what I was thinking of” Mose mutters to himself

10. Mose gropes around a bit and finds these two tablets of stone lying nearby – fabulous;mind-blowing; made by real craftsman:

“We're gonna repatriate stone-masonry; no more global stone-masonry!” shouts Mose in that big voice of his. Then Mose notices that there's some writing on the tablets. He reads off the words:

11. “New Laws for the Brexitites and then in brackets (break the bonds of EUgypt- Take Back Control); and there it is, all written out for Mose – nothing for him to do.

12. So Mose runs down the hill he is a whoopin' and ahollerin'.

“I've got the new laws, beautiful laws; you're gonna love 'em! Look at these tablets, made by our own craftsmen; no foreign labour; astonishing.

13. By this time the Brexitites have surrounded Mose; some are weeping with joy; others are chanting

“Waited so long for this; waited too long for this!”

14. Then the cry goes up

“Read the Laws, Mose. Read the Laws”

15. Mose gets out that big voice of his again and starts

Law 1 – No infidel to breach our Borders

Law 2 - There shall be no movement of peoples except where the people are EUgyptians

Law 3 - Brexitite laws administered by Brexitite Courts except when EUgyptian Law says otherwise

Law 4 –

16. Mose is about to proclaim Law 4 when the voice of a child in the crowd is heard above the clamour to say:

“ These are not new Laws they are the same Laws we had under the EUgyptians. “

Here ends the lesson; Rev. Donald. T. Rump will take as his next text

Psalms 8:2, "Out of the mouth of babes “

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Pity 'bout Priti

Priti Woman – a song by Roy Awesome

Priti Woman just left Downing Street

Priti Woman, up to her neck in sheet

Priti Woman; no-one believes you; can't tell the truth

No-one can lie as good as you...murky

Priti Woman, it looks priti murky to me

Holding meetings when no-one can see

Priti Woman, Netanyahu's round for tea

Priti Woman, let's play Diplomacy

Priti Woman, she's cut no slack

Priti Woman, just got the sack

Priti woman looks priti daft to me

Priti woman, hay, hay ,hay

You just fcucked off Theresa May

Priti woman cock-sure or thick?

Priti Woman, not too quick?

Priti Woman looks priti dim to me.

Okay....I said Okay...Just go away

Like Fokker Fox, you'll be back some day

Just say, oh yeah; just gotta say, to Terry May

“C'mon Theresa, can you really see

Brexit going ahead without me?

Brexit going ahead without me?”

Oh yeah...Priti woman (Cha; cha; cha...)

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Clemantics November part1

 Welcome to the November 2017 Edition of Clemantics

It has taken a small number of brave women both inside and outside Parliament to bring into the public domain their experiences of rape and sexual harassment by Ministers; MPs and party workers of the main political parties. In so doing, they have challenged, patriarchy, a culture of entitlement, and the abuse of power generally; in particular, they have challenged the poisonous, misogynistic culture, which has anachronistically prevailed and indeed flourished at Westminster for many decades past. The editors at Clemantics assert that there is much for us, as men, to do individually, socially and politically in order to achieve a truly egalitarian body politic. We celebrate the courage of those women, who have dared to say ' enough is enough'; we celebrate too, the presence of more women MPs on both sides of the House in this Parliament, many, of whom have brought a 'breath of fresh air' to an institution more noted for the 'hot air' and 'smug complacency' it has generated. 

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Meet the Deceivers...Meet the Deceivers... Meet the Deceivers

“One who deceives will always find those who will allow themselves to be deceived”

Niccolo Machiavelli

“One who deceives will always find those who will allow themselves to be deceived”

Niccolo Machiavelli

“One who deceives will always find those who will allow themselves to be deceived”

Niccolo Machiavelli

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Let's Play MasterGrime

 

Humpy Friss: Welcome viewers to MasterGrime 2017 

 the show where we try to find the most grubby MP at Westminster

You all know the rules – quite simple - the contestant , who manages to avoid giving a straight or correct answer to the most questions wins .

Let's meet the first contestant. Your name please.

BoJo: Alexander, Boris de Feffel Johnson.

Humpy: And your specialist subject?

BoJo: Alexander Boris de Feffel Johnson

Humpy: so BoJo you have 60 seconds to avoid or give incorrect answers to questions

on yourself starting now...

Who did you once describe as a Monosyllabic Austrian Cyborg?

BoJo: Hitler.

Humpy: No it was Arnold Schwazenegger against who you deployed this racist slur.

Humpy: What caused Eddie Mair to suggest “You are a nasty piece of work”

BoJo: Now personally I like Eddie; he was just put up to it by some Beeb Mugwump.

Humpy: Incorrect. He was referring to how you helped the criminal Darius Guppy to seek out and beat up a mutual acquaintance.

Humpy: When you were a member of the Bullingdon Club. What was the most disgusting activity you and your over-priviliged cronies indulged yourself in. Was it

• a) Inflicting £20k damages on a hostelry, where you had been having 'fun'
• b) Setting light to a £50 note in front of a beggar
• c) Some other outlandish activity?

BoJo: Setting light to a £50 note.

Humpy: Incorrect. The worst collective act of the Bullers was to make a young woman get down on all fours like a horse; and getting her to whinny whilst the cronies brought out hunting horns and whips.

Humpy: Which Government Minister said of you “ You wouldn't trust him to take you home at the end of the evening”?

BoJo: Well that could be any number of lucky ladies, who have spent time in the cabinet with me. The Right Honourable Truss, gets my vote.

Humpy: Incorrect . It was in fact Amber (as far as BoJo is concerned it's Amber changing to Red) Rudd.

Humpy: Who said “my policy on cake is pro-having it and pro-eating it”?

BoJo: Marie- Antoinette

Humpy: Incorrect. Boris de Feffel Johnson

Humpy: You were sacked from the Times in 1988. Was it for

• a) not keeping Little Johnson in his trousers
• b) referring to black people as piccaninnies and talking about water-melon smiles
• c) false claims in an article

BoJo: Trouble with Little Johnson.

Humpy: Incorrect . Although all three gaffs are attributable to you, on this occasion you were sacked for false claims in an article. Indeed, it has been suggested that you were first to treat your gullible readership to 'Fake News'

Humpy: How many illegitimate children have you sired?

BoJo: Oh, cripes...er 10?

Humpy: Incorrect. The official figure is 2.

Humpy: Who was responsible for bringing hire bikes to London.

BoJo: That's easy. BoJo; that's why they're known as Boris Bikes – proud moment, if I might say so?

Humpy: Incorrect. The hire scheme was the brain-child of previous mayor of London, Ken Livingstone. You just took all the credit.

Humpy: Which has been the most costly of Boris' London follies as set out in Douglas Murphy's book Nincompoopolis? Was it

• a) the new Routemaster bus, an overheating, overpriced lump of nostalgia
• b) the Emirates Airline, a novelty cable car ride presented as a crucial transport link, which has failed to attract regular commuters and loses an estimated £50,000 a week.
• c) the mad attempt to revive the Crystal Palace with the help of a Chinese developer
• d) the Thames Garden Bridge – oh so sadly ditched by your successor as Mayor
• e) other?

BoJo: Steady on there Humpy. There were so many great projects in BoJo's reign. But if I had to plump for one it would have to be the hopelessly overheating nostalgia-bus.

Humpy: Incorrect. It is in fact the ArcelorMittal Orbit, a mangled £20m totem pole intended to make £1.2m a year for the upkeep of the Olympic park, but which has instead cost the taxpayer £10,000 a week to maintain.

Humpy: Did you urge the voters to vote Tory (peep-peep-peep). I've started so I'll finish,

because

• a) things are better under the Tories
• b) Labour cannot be trusted on the economy
• c) we must keep Corbyn out of Downing Street
• d) voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts

BoJo: Ok Humpy; I have to own up to this one. It was the line about big tits

Humpy: Astonishingly, you have given a correct and honest answer

Humpy:

Thank you Mr. Johnson for your obfuscation, and your blustering dishonesty. You have answered 9 questions either dishonestly or incorrectly and only 1 question straightforwardly and correctly.

So at the end of round 1 you have 9 points and no passes

Bojo: (aside) First time I've got through a show without making a pass at someone. LoL!

Stay tuned for the next contestant on MASTERGRIME (lowering of lights,dramatic music and fade)

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The Charge of the (Always) Right Brigade

With Apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson

I.

Half a brain, half a brain,

Half a brain between them – onward

All in the Valley of Debt

Rode the Jolly Wrexiteers

Forward the (Always) Right Brigade!

Charge for the Brexit they said

Into the Valley of Debt

Rode the Jolly Wrexiteers

II.

Forward the (Always) Right Brigade

Not a one was unsure

Their belief as strong as before

Though one or more had blundered

Theirs not to speak or defy

Theirs not to reason…WHY!?

Theirs but to do and lie

Into the Valley of Debt

Rode the Jolly Wrexiteers

III.

Remainers to the right of them

Remoaners to the left of them

The 27 in front of them

Snipers and traitors

Against the return of Empire status

Boldly they go where once we were before

Into the jaws of debt

Into the jaws of Bel(-gium)

Rode the Jolly Wrexiteers

IV.

Mooned all of their bottoms bare.

Mooned as they turned in air.

Mooned the questioners there,

Charging the 27.

All the world wondered

What were they thinking?

With hearts slowly sinking,

The French and the Prussians

Firm they well stood,

The Jollies felt misunderstood,

Abashed and half dressed

They came back, but not,

The so Jolly Wrexiteers

V.

Banks to the left of them,

Business to the right of them,

The 27 behind them.

T’(u)sk t’(u)sk they finger wagged,

Do you know what you’re about?

Good Lord! They have no doubts.

And so they sounded the Brexit death knell,

But Wrexiteers don’t hear so well,

They had lied and lived to tell

The tale that would ultimately fail…

Ah! The not so Jolly Wrexiteers.

VI.

When can their glory fade?

As soon as possible for the mess they made!

All the world wondered

What were they thinking?

And all that is left

Is Albion sinking…

Up the (always) Right Brigade

Nobble the Jolly Wrexiteers

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 And finally, a word of wisdom from Clem:

A lot of clever people have got everything except judgement