Clemantics - May the Farce be with You
Immigration Returns(did it ever go away?)
It
has been a while but immigration is firmly back on the agenda:
- The new registration system has resulted in 100 EU nationals being asked to leave with bank accounts being shut down when they are legal UK residents .
- Office for National Statistics (ONS) figures show that the number of people from EU working in the country has risen by 112,000 since the Referendum to 2.38 million
- Number of Polish nationals has fallen but numbers from Romania and Bulgaria have risen
- Home Office has been unable to recruit sufficient caseworkers to deal with 3 million EU registration applications
- UK Border Agency is hopelessly under-funded to deal with the Post-Brexit arrangements at airports and ports
So
let us journey into Brexitland with Alice where she discovers that a
self-serving Brexiter can always find a mad solution to a mad
self-inflicted problem
Alice
in Brexitland
Alice
looked up from her tea cup to see the White Rabbit come running by.
“Oh
bother; bother; bother; 3,000,000 into 1200 won't go! Everyone knows
that! Just ask a mathematician; it just won't go! Oh bother and
bother again.”
Without
noticing the T. Party the White Rabbit disappeared down the road.
“ Well”
said Alice, “The Rabbit is in a bit of a state. He didn't even seem
to see us. He never misses the chance of a cup of tea, if there's one
going. Whatever can be wrong?
“ Oh,
The Rabbit's been like that for days.” replied The March Hare
distractedly.
“He
has a spot of bother with the Amber Princess. That's why every other
word he says is 'bother' “
“ Who's
the Amber Princess?” enquired Alice.
“No-one
really knows,” mused the Mad Hatter, who had begun to show an
interest in the conversation.
“She
just appeared from nowhere last year sitting at the Red Queen's right
hand. The Knave told me that the Red Queen likes the Amber Princess
because Amber loves all the dirty jobs that no-one else will do. The
Red Queen refuses to do anything that is at all messy. She just says
'I've got a headache send Amber instead'. Amber trots along but all
the while is plotting to replace the Red Queen. Tweedledum and
Tweedledee are quite put out.”
“ Amber
turning to Red” quipped the March Hare
“What
has all this got to do with the White Rabbit? “ asked Alice
“ You
see,” said the March Hare, checking his watch to ensure there was
time to uncomplicate a complicated story “ When Wonderland became
Brexitland the Red Queen promised that she would get rid of all the
unwanted Aliens that had flooded in (or like yourself had fallen in
through a hole in the ground)
No
more German Shepherds – send 'em home
No
more French Hens – retournez chez elles
No
more Spanish Flies; no more Italian Stallions etc. etc.
And
above all no more POLE CATS...send 'em packing.
“ A
plan that was a little mad even by my high standards of madness”
continued the March Hare “ It soon became clear that as soon as the
Aliens started to go home, there were not enough Aliens left to do
all the jobs needed to keep Brexitland going. It was a complete mess,
which, of course, meant that the Red Queen sent out an SOS for Amber.
“What's
an SOS” interjected Alice
“ SOS
is like a panic button.” explained the Hatter laconically. “ As
soon as someone shouts Save Our Sovereignty, we all have to drop what
we are doing and join the panic.
“ Now
we've got AA as well as SOS” said the March Hare mysteriously. They
invent a new Aggronym every time there's a spot of bother...and
before you ask, Alice, AA stands for Amber's Ass-essments...and
before you ask 'what's an Ass-sessment' the answer, as Humpty Dumpty
says, lies in the word itself.
Amber
has devised an Aggrorithm ,which helps her decide on which Aliens to
keep and which Aliens to dump . Each Alien is made to answer
ridiculous questions like 'How many flamingos do you need for a game
of croquet?' Answers are awarded 'keep' points or 'chop' points. If
you score more 'keep' points than 'chops' you stay; but if you have
more 'chops' you are chopped!” proclaimed a delighted Hare.
“The
only trouble is” interrupted the Hatter “There are millions of
ass-sessments to be done and not enough Ass-sessors. That's why the
Rabbit is in such a stew as he has to get all the Ass-sessments done
by yesterday.
Yesterday's
count showed that there were only 1200 Brexitlanders prepared to
work as Ass-sessors.”
“So
no-one wants to be an Amber Ass-sessor.” said Alice thoughtfully.
“Why not?”
“It's
a matter of Jelly Beans” replied the Hatter. “Amber won't pay
them enough Jelly Beans!”
The
talk of numbers and Jelly Beans caused the Dormouse to waken.
Dormouse loved Jelly Beans and calculations, but he absolutely adored
calculations which involved both Jelly Beans and numbers.
“If
3,000,000 won't go into 1200, you just borrow” he said in a sort of
superior Dormousy voice; with a flourish, he produced a spreadsheet
from the tea-pot to support his point.
“ Borrow?
Did someone say borrow” piped up the White Rabbit, who had stolen
up unheeded.
“ Borrow,
brilliant...that's it” said an ecstatic White Rabbit. “We borrow
clever Pole-cats to do Amber's Ass-sessments. They have always done
the work, better, quicker and cheaper than anyone else in Brexitland”
“Mad;
deliciously, contradictorially, vastly hypocritically mad!” chimed
in the Hatter
“So
do you mean we get Princess Amber to employ Pole-cats to get rid of
unwanted Aliens including other Pole-cats?” enquired Alice “It is
completely mad.”
“We’re
all mad here in Brexitland. I’m mad. You’re mad.’ commented an
airy, amused voice from on high.
Alice looked up to see that the Cheshire Cat had appeared. The Cat had been smiling approvingly as the discussion concluded.
`How
do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.
`You must be,’ said the Cat, `Or you wouldn’t have come here.’
“I
suppose so” said Alice, “ Except I don't think I chose to be
here...”
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