Let's
Play MasterGrime
The
show where we try to find the most grubby MP at Westminster
You all know the rules –
quite simple - the contestant, who manages to avoid giving a
straight or correct answer to the most questions wins .
Let's meet the our new
contestant, who is looking to join BoJJer in the final. Your name please.
Foxy
Fox:
The On-the-Right Honourable Liam Fox
Humpy:
And your specialist subject?
F.F,:
The hundred best fox-ups I have made
Humpy: So
Mr. Fokker you have 60 seconds to avoid or give incorrect answers to
questions on yourself starting now...
You are widely known as
'Foxy Foxy' Fox. How did this sobriquet come about?
F.F:
Because of my support for fox hunting? (chortles
merrily)
Humpy:
No
it was a play on 'Foxy Knoxy'. Sharing, as you do, a talent for
eliding Fact and Fiction with Amanda Knox.
Humpy:
On at least 2 occasions you made an expenses claim of 3p for walking
a hundred yards to work. What explanation did you give for making such
a needless claim?
F.F.:
Now look here Friss, I came up through the school of hard Glaswegian
knocks; I don't mind telling you I will take any freebies going.
Humpy:
Interesting but incorrect. You blamed your staff, who you said had
completed your expenses claims.
Humpy:
Can you complete the following rhyme
“
Adam Adam Werrity
Werrity, erstwhile my internee looked after my flat...
F.F:
“
But never paid rent to me!”
Humpy:
A good try but No. The right answer is:
And the Taxpayer
picked up the fee!”
Humpy:
Who is often described as 'The Disgraced Former Defence Secretary' ?i
F.F:
Well that must be Michael Fall-on (chortles
again)
or 'Fall-on-ye-sword-Mikey'
as
we jokingly called him
Humpy:
Incorrect . It is the title bestowed upon 'Fantasizing Mr. Fox'
byThe Newstatesman , which , like us all, has been struggling down
the years to understand how you failed to be prosecuted for Illegally fiddling your
expenses.
Humpy:
To the nearest £10,000 how much did you spend on 'official' foreign
travel in the first 6 months after Brexit?
F.F:
Pass
Humpy: How did your swashbuckling friend BoJo
describe
you? Was it
a) Nutty and Obsessive
b) There's something
strange about him
c) He's Donald Rumsfeld
on speed
F.F:
It has to be b) 'There's something strange about him'
Humpy:
Wrong
again, I'm afraid. BoJo has deployed all 3 put-downs against you.
Humpy:
Which
Brutal Dictator who, inter
alia,
said ' I am happy to slaughter drug addicts in their millions' did
you declare the UK shared values with?
F.F:
That must be Salman of Saudi Arabia
Humpy:
Nice try but incorrect. It was Rodrigo 'The Punisher' Duerte of the
Philippines
Humpy:
The Suddeutsche Zeitung descibed the Brexit Leadership as ' A Quartet
of the Clueless' and went on to say 'X' is the least serious figure
in this Wondrous Squad'. Who is 'X'?
F.F:
The Leaderene, Theresa May?
Humpy:
No . It was None other than ' The Very Right Honourable Foxy Fox.
Humpy:
Who
referred to your good self as ' The Go-to-Man for Hedonistic Inertia'
F.F.: Mmm...Too
witty for Corbyn; disloyal enough for BoJo but I must go for Govey,
Govey, Govey!
Humpy:
Incorrect. It was John Crace of the Guardian
Humpy:
How many countries have you visited since becoming Secretary of State
for International Trade (peep-peep-peep).
I've started so I'll finish, - for what are described as 'Sun
Holidays and Photo Opportunities'?
F.F:
A few,...er..20?
Humpy:You
have, in fact, racked up 35 countries and a total of 40,000 completely
unecessary miles. So Mr. Foxy Foxy Fox at the end of that round you
have visited 35 countries and secured an impressive zero trade deals.
Humpy:You
passed on only one question 'How much have you wasted jollying around
the globe' and the answer, which was on the tip of your tongue, is
£639,000.
Thank you Mr. Foxy Fox
for your resolute obfuscation, and your unremitting dishonesty. You
will be joining the BoJJer in the final of Mastergrime and in the
meantime could we have our money back?
Stay
tuned for the next contestant on MASTERGRIME
(lowering
of lights,dramatic music and fade)
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