Government of all the Talentless

Government of All the Talentless

On February 11^th, 1806 Lord Grenville formed a National Unity Government, which he described as The Ministry of “All the Talents”. Prime Minister May has trumped his Lordship by convening a Government of All the Talentless.

As the Maybot seeks to shore up support by strangling the movement for a 2^nd people’s vote at birth, Clemantics has been conducting its own Vox Pop to see who you, the electorate, would vote for as the most disastrous appointments to May’s Government of all the Talentless.

In at number 5 – The (very) Right Hon. Andrea Loathsome MP.

 

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Loathsome, voted by her peers as runner-up to Chris Gary-Ling as the ‘MP you would least like to get caught in a lift with’, is author of the best-selling, post-truth guide to getting a job ‘How to have fun with your CV’. In it she illustrates how her ‘Plus 1’ strategy propelled her to the top.

“When I was at the Bank, I told everyone I was Director, when in fact I was only Deputy Director put in charge of paper-clips... it always pays to exaggerate a tincey-wincey bit, as long as you do it with a winning smile!”

Where’s Andry? The number 1 secret to success, Loathsomeship opines, is to join a party where your embarrassment quotient is an asset.

‘Once you prove yourself incompetent, they just keep promoting you until no-one knows, which department you’re in charge of, or where to find you’ for example, I was offered the Chancellorship of the Duchy of Lancaster – a non job with a great salary and good photo opps. Unfortunately, Dave You-must-be-Kidding-Ton, pipped me at the post!”

The Wisdom of Loathsome

• Don’t worry about contradiction – contradiction is opportunity:
  Only a short time ago (April 2013) I stuck it to the press by saying “I think it (leaving the EU) would be a disaster for our economy and it would lead to a decade of economic and political uncertainty.” A little more than 36 months later, I’m driving the battle bus to remove red tape of Brussels, control our borders (although’ Boris is one of our public school boarders, we’ll never be able to control – note that’s a joke! – a sense of humour is another asset, they tell me) and shouting ‘C’mon Boys get us outta Europe’
  
  
• Never be afraid to ask the BIG questions
  When I took over at Energy (Plus 1 principle, I was in fact no.2!). I called my Civvies together and demanded ‘Is Climate Change real? Is fracking safe?’ One of the Civvies looked blankly at me and replied ‘We thought, Minister, you might have examined the answer to those questions before you took the post’. Needless to say, I gave him a taste of what global warming is going to feel like!!
  
  
• Give the punters (or at least the party donators) what they want
  Subsidies to Wind Farms; targets for renewables; fox hunting bans; gay marriage – Andrey says ‘they can all frack off!’
  
  
• Never be afraid to state the ‘bleedin’ obvious
  Andrey’s ‘best in class’ bleedin’ obvious quote – “We know that paedophiles are attracted to working with children”... need I say more...Except perhaps that this revelation went down a storm at Conference but got a rather stony reception at Synod – still trying to work out why – God knows!

What do Loathsome’s friends say about her?

• Bob ‘diamond geezer’ Diamond, Bank Exec. – the trouble with Loathsome’s claims is “ they are misleading people into believing that she (Andrey) has finance and management skills and experience, which qualify her for senior posts in Government’
• City Minister (name withheld) – “a disaster...the worst Minister we ever had. She found it difficult to understand issues or take decisions.”
• Ken Clarke – “So long as she (Loathsome) understands that she's not to deliver on some of the extremely stupid things she's been saying..."
• The Speaker - “Stupid woman... f*****g useless...f*****g outrageous”

Gaffometer -

(We fed AL’s best 4 gaffes into our gaffometer, which provides a ‘gaffreading’ 1 to 5. The higher the number the bigger the gaff)

• On introducing the new £10 note - ‘Jane Austen is one of our greatest living authors’ (Rees Mogg, Minister for the 18^th c. is probably the only MP who could have got away with this comment)
• “The child of a single-parent family is 70% more likely to have problems at school and even to become a drug addict or a criminal”
• “The self-indulgence and carelessness of non-committed adult relationships is proving fatal to the next generation.”
• Broadcasters (admonishing Emily Maitlis) “Broadcasters should be a little more patriotic.”

Gaffometer reading 4.5

Andrey Loathsome – The mother of all gaffes