Diary of a Nobody

Diary of a Nobody by  Nadim Zahawi  (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

Foreword:

Is it really only a few weeks since I shot out of obscurity into the stratosphere? I think, without being immodest, that history will judge that Brexshit would not be the success it is without me. I present my diaries, which cover those heady days in Early Spring 2019 as a gift to the people regardless of whether they were Glorious Brexshiters or just Losers!

February 20th

9.00a.m.

I am down at the Stratford Tac n’ Sac Equine Superstore being fitted for my new Hunting Pink Jacket ready for the local Spring Gymkhana  (I must say I look gorgeous) when my mobile goes off. My novelty horse-whinny ringtone startles the young wench serving me but she takes her cue from me and laughs heartily saying ‘You are a wag, Member of Parliament for the Said Constituency!’

Imagine my amazement when a voice at the other end of the phone (male) says ‘Number 10 here!’ I rack my brains for who Number 10 is but come up with nothing. Luckily the voice continues without me replying.

‘PM has been reviewing your CV (by the way, it’s not necessary to send it in quite so frequently). ’

 ‘If this is about my expenses’ I interrupt ‘I have already explained about tax payers money going to my Riding School ‘

‘No,No,No!’ Number 10 insists.

 He goes on to tell me that Maybot is impressed by my business acumen; she particularly likes the way I have taken the opportunity to milk Buy-to-Let. She thinks I am wasted at Children & Families, (Children- don’t ya love ‘em; families – aren’t they just the best!!) besides which, she thinks I have no idea what the post is all about.  Number 10 wants my sound business sense at the heart of government.

Getting to the point, Number 10 asks me whether I would like to come on board ‘Operation Market Gaderene’ (OMG). Now, if I say so myself, I am a bit of an expert on WW2 history as I mugged up on it before the Constituency  Candidate Selection Meeting (the interview panel I was informed was full of old buffers, who still thought the war was on).

‘Surely you mean Operation Market Garden’ I correct.  I am a little shocked when Number 10 comes back with

‘No, you bloody fool we want to make sure that the Brexshiter Swine keep charging over the Brexshit cliff’. Market Gaderene – geddit? The PM wants to see you first thing tomorrow morning. Are you in?’

‘Of course, I’m in’  I’m thinking; but I have my red-lines too. I inform number 10 that I can’t do tomorrow as I’m going to see my stallion cover a mare. Forgetting I’m on the phone, I wink as I tell him that nothing gets the juices flowing like seeing a stallion hard at work!!

Number 10 replies ‘Be here at 8.00a.m. Tomorrow.’

February 15^th

Didn’t sleep well last night. Over-excited at the prospect seeing the PM. Will she be wearing those ‘hot’ leopard skin shoes?

8.00a.m.

Ushered into a pokey office at no 10 (not what I had been expecting) to be told that PM has had to leg it over to Brussels as ‘Barmy’ Barmier has whistled her up. I have to make do with an aide.

Aide Seema (of the ‘simples’ meerkat jape) tells me all about OMG. Jolly interesting. Apparently PM wants me to field all the media questions on her ‘Deal’ (or Double D as Seema puts it – Diabolical Deal – tee. hee!!)

 Seema says I’m ‘The only man for the job’ because, and I quote, ‘others can only appear not to have understood the question when giving a ‘blocking’ answer whereas you really don’t understand the questions’

February 22^nd

10.00am

Photo shoot for Horse & Hound – White breeches, swishing riding crop- I look gorgeous as usual. Shoot interrupted by phone call from Secretary of the Presidents Club enquiring why I had not renewed my membership. I said I was sorry to inform him that while I enjoyed the all-male-tit-and-bum event last year at the Dorchester enormously, number 10 thought it would be ’ill-advised’ to renew. He seemed a bit put out so I retorted ‘Well how do you think I feel!’

March 6^th

6.00a.m. Woken early by a call from Number 10. Was not best pleased as I was in the middle of a gorgeous  dream where I was triumphantly clearing the final Tusk Water Jump at the Brexit International Gymkhana in Brussels. To cheers (and yet more cheers) from the Excrement Recycling Group (ERG) Tusky announces ‘and  Zahawi on ‘No Deal’ goes clear.’

Number 10 wants me to get on down to the Beeb for Politics Live at 11.15. ‘Last man standing again!’  is my witty riposte (Note to self: explore possibilities of Stand-Up, should the balloon go up!).

Number 10 manages a chortle (No. 10 is a humour-free zone, I fear!). He enigmatically replies ‘Well, I have made 10 unsuccessful calls already!’ Number 10 exhorts me not to worry (worry! Hadn’t entered my head) because no one bothers to watch ‘Politics Live’

11.00 Arrive breathlessly at the Beeb. I’m in such a hurry I leave my lucky riding crop in the taxi.

Taxi Driver was an amusing African Caribbean fellow; said he recognised me ‘from the telly’. I informed him that I was a Senior Member of the Government. He said ‘ I know – Sajid Javid- then he added thoughtfully ‘But you baldy men do all look alike.’

Once in the Beeb, I’m hurried through make-up, where they slap on some orange make-up. Make-up artist (mobile number now added to my ‘for your eyes only’ list of favourites) tells me that orange is going to be my signature colour. (This will up-set Andrew Neal!!)

11.15 Meet with the delightful Jo Coburn just before we go on air. She looks rather chichi but my lips are buttoned (as per no.10’s orders). 

I’m wearing one of my musical ties, for which I’m rightly celebrated. It plays "He Played His Ukulele As The Ship Went Down" as I settle into my panel chair. I think it puts everyone in the right mood except for t the ’awful’  Baroness Warsi (father’s a bus driver or a mill worker. Do we really need these sorts of people in the Tory Party?)  Warsi bangs on about Islamophobia and institutional racism in the Conservative Party. Wot Rot! I soon put her to rights.

 I think I can safely say the appearance was another ‘Zahawi Zinger’. I even manage to turn the tables on that Corrie star’ turned Labour apparatchik, Tracy Brabin, by noting how the cast of Corrie, Casualty and Eastenders (all shows, in which she has starred) are riddled with anti-Semites!!!  (Catching Jo Coburn’s eye and giving her the thumbs up as I do so.)

10.00 p.m. Long train journey from London spent mulling over Warsi’s words on racism.

Back in Stratford, enjoying a well-earned pint in the Faragista Lounge at the Tally Ho! public house on Bard Street with faithful Constituency Chair.

I decide to share my concerns that there might be a smidgen of racism amongst the good burghers of Stratford, which might prejudice my re-election next time round (not that there’s going to be an election!).

Johnny H. reassures me ‘Don’t worry, Nad, if you put a blue rosette on a donkey in Stratford it would still get elected to Parliament!’

Next up is Question Time with Fiona-The-Bruce. I must admit I’m a little apprehensive. Seema says it’s nothing to worry about. She thinks that Mr. InVinceCable is on the panel along with a few others from the ’Rusty Knee Brigade’ so it will be just like the Antiques Roadshow!

What a great day. Slept like a baby after that. Night, night all!

Brexit Sausage Sandwich Part 2

 Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game Part 2

 

Just a reminder, this is how it works.

A celebrity guest is asked two questions about his or her personal life that only the celeb can answer. Two contestants representing local or national football teams, score 'goals' based on their ability to correctly guess the celebrity's answer. In the final question which gives the game its name, the contestants have to guess how the celebrity takes his Brexit Sausage Sandwich.

The winner gets a free ticket to 'The Good Old Days'. The loser gets a ticket to the 'Good Old Days' in the company of The Moggster and his Nanny.

Steve Baker: Question 2 - Jezza likes nothing more than going to the Allotment-holders' Annual St. Patrick's

Day Ceili. He always goes in fancy dress. This year

Did he go dressed as Brian Boru?

Did he go dressed as The Pope?

Or did he go dressed as King Willy?

SB: Ms. Brad-ass – you can have first dibs on this one.

Karen Brainless: This is hard. I, of course, know who the Pope is. Everyone, literally everyone, knows who the Pope is? King Willy, isn't that one of those mags, which girls used to pass round in the Locker-room? (aside) Yes, Mr Trump, girls get up to stuff in locker-rooms too!! Brian Boru, that's sort of ringing a few bells from my briefing when I became Minister – it's been such a steep learning curve; wait 'till I tell you about Sectarian Violence – absolutely mind blowing. (flashes winning smile at Mr. Baker-up) But I digress. I can just see Jezza in that gorgeous white get-up, looking so hot in his matching beret; like Rumplestiltskin going to his first confirmation! It has to be the Pope.

SB: Arlee?

Arlene from Antrim: The name's Arlene; you'll have reason to remember that wee man; so use it. Now let me tell you about King Willy. Sit up Ms. Brad-ass and learn a thing or two. It's July 1691, William of Orange has just defeated the Jacobites... it seems like only yesterday...

SB: So Jezza went to the ball dressed as King Willy?

AA: No you Ejeet.'Tis an insult to utter the names of King Willy and Binliner in the same breath.

Brian Boru's Binliner's man.

SB: So Jezza, what's it to be ?

JC: “Good Morning. How nice to see you and goodbye.”

SB: So you've both drawn a blank there again. That makes the score:

The Scotch Royal Blues – Zip

The Manc Sky Blues – Zip

SB: So, there's everything to play for as we head into the final of the Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game. Now Jezza loves a good sausage. Saveloy, curried Bratwurst, Wall's Corkers, he's had his laughing gear around the lot. But does he like his sausage saucy or not?

Does Jezza Corr-Binliner like his Sausage with Hard Brexit sauce – chewy, starting to congeal with an occasional lump

Does he like it with Soft Brexit sauce? - smooth and easy on the palate

Or does he like it with No Brexit sauce at all? Let's keep the sausage just as it is.

AA: Binliner – soft as Shite; Soft Sauce, it has to be. The man can just skiddly diddly as far as I'm concerned.

KB:

As I posted in #MeToo@dooin'bradley I have had my problems with a few of the 'posh boys' in

my own party but to be fair I have always found Mr. Corr-Binliner to be a 'no sauce' at all sort of man.

SB: Jezza?

JC: “Good Morning. How nice to see you and goodbye.”

SB: So, no change there and we're all none the wiser. So the Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game ends as usual in a no-score draw.

Before I go, you will all be pleased to know that The Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game has had its run extended beyond April Fools Day. Long extension; short extension impossible to tell but see you all next month...

Thanks are due to the Boy from Bermondsey, Danny Baker, the inventor of The Sausage Sandwich Game and many more japes besides

Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game part 1

Steve Baker's Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game

 

 

Steve Baker:

Hello and welcome to the Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game (BSSG). I am your host Steve Baker-Lehman Brothers survivor; born again Christian and Euro-septic icon. People often wonder what happened to me,the 'St. Austell Squib', since I pressed the number 10 ejector seat back in July and went hurtling off into the ozone.

'Is he still Jake Mogg's body-double? Is he Sir Bernie Jenker's batman or is he simply the Honourable-Puller-of-Pints at Lord Nigel of Farage's local?' I hear them enquire.

'Well no , I reply. I now divide my time equally between being an Outrider for the Excrement Recycling Group (ERG) and standing in for my brother, Danny, to Chair the Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game.

Anyway that's enough about me, I think? On with the game. This is how it works.

A celebrity guest is asked two questions about his or her personal life that only the celeb can answer. Two contestants representing local or national football teams, score 'goals' based on their ability to correctly guess the celebrity's answer. In the final question which gives the game its name, the contestants have to guess how the celebrity takes his Brexit Sausage Sandwich.

The winner gets a free ticket to 'The Good Old Days'. The loser gets a ticket to the 'Good Old Days' in the company of The Moggster and his Nanny.

SB: Now our first contestant is on the line. Your name please.

A.A: (rich Belfast tones) ' Arlene from Antrim'.

SB: Well Arlene. I have every confidence you will supply the correct answers.

AA: Too fechtin' right, Danny Boy, but I expect a bigger prize than a night out with J-cloth-Grease-Mopp, if you get my drift.

SB: You have to be in it to win it, innit? (SB chortles nervously)

AA: Dead right, Mr Bakerstop. And you are right in it, Young Fella.

SB: (Eager to change the subject) Moving right along as we say in the ERG; which football team are you representing?

AA: Glasgow...

SB (interrupting excitedly) Well, this is a first – we've never had a Celtic supporter on the programme before.

AA: Are you takin' the Jimmy Riddle, ye Gobshite? My Man, Doddy, will knock ya bollix in, if y'are. M' team is Glasgow Rangers.

SB: Sorry, my mistake. Talking of which I understand that we have the Mistress of the Grand Bloomer on the other line.

Hello and welcome to BSSG. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

KB: Karen 'Doing-Pretty' Bradley here. So glad to be on the show, I feel that I have already learned so much about sausages since coming on the line. I hadn't realised that the humble sausage is made up of all sorts of weird and useless things thrown together, a bit like a Brexit Cabinet... Joked you there, haven't I, Mr Bakerstop?!

SB: So, Ms. Bradawl, which football team are you representing today?

KB: Oh! I am a life-long supporter of Manchester City or is it Manchester United? Oh, yes, that's it they told me how to remember – it's like Parliament - there's the Blue side and the Red side and I'm on the Blue side. Learn, Learn, Learn, that's me! I'm always on a learning curve!

SB: This is very exciting, we have a distinctive Northern Ireland flavour to our programme today. No red lines down the Irish Sea here; No red lines down the Manchester Ship Canal.

Now a big 'Shalom' to my celebrity guest Mr. Jezza Corr-Binliner.

JC: “Good Morning. How nice to see you and goodbye.”

SB: So question number 1.

What vegetable does Jezza like most to grow on his allotment?

Is it – Jerusalem Fartichoke?

Is it – Kohl Rabbi?

Or is it – Parsley Root?

AA: Oh, definitely Paisley Root. You can't have too much Paisley, I always say!

KB: You know, I didn't know very much about vegetables before I joined the Cabinet but now I spend time with them every day. Sometimes I fear I've become one myself! Joked you again there, Mr Bakerstop! (chortles merrily). I think I will plump for Jerusalem Thingamabob – it's the sort of thing old Retro-Farties would grow, isn't it, Mr. Bakerstab?

SB: Well Jezza, what's the answer?

JC: “Good Morning. How nice to see you and goodbye.”

SB: I see. So no goals for anyone there. The score is:

The Scotch Royal Blues – Zip

The Manc Sky Blues – Zip

(aside) You know I like nothing better than a good old Blue on Blue contest!

 To be continued next week- You can have your sausage and eat it!!

WTO RULES OK?

You've got to judge people, ultimately, by their actions rather than their words. Jacob Rees-Mogg
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/jacob_reesmogg_959198

There is sometimes an almost vindictive streak in politics whereby governments follow policies which they know will harm the electorate, but nonetheless, they keep them, sometimes for years.
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/jacob_reesmogg_959124

Pots and Kettles

"There is sometimes an almost vindictive streak in politics whereby governments follow policies which they know will harm the electorate, but nonetheless, they keep them, sometimes for years."

You've got to judge people, ultimately, by their actions rather than their words. Jacob Rees-Mogg
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/jacob_reesmogg_959198

WTO RULES OK?

We are led to believe, by a small (minded?) cadre of politicians known as the European Research (sic) Group, that were we to leave the EU with no deal, we can simply begin trading on World Trade Organisation rules.

Picture the scene:

8.00am, 30^th March 2019 – The Department for Exiting the EU.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

WTO: Good morning, this is the World Trade Organisation, unfortunately all our advisers are busy at the moment and your call is held in a queue.

You may also contact us at www.wto.lastchancesaloon.com

You are number 69.

Brexit Minister (take your pick): What!!!! Don’t you know who this is…………..we are GREAT BRITAIN!!!!!!

Cue Musak: Land of Hopelessness and Over glorified.

Some 15 minutes later:

WTO: Good morning, this is the World Trade Organisation, Jean-Claude speaking, how may I help you?

Brexit Minister: (Whispered aside) Are they taking the piss!

This is GREAT BRITAIN here.

Jean-Claude: Oh hello and how are you today?

Brexit Minister: Well, to be honest, we’ve got a bit of a flap on and we want to begin trading on WTO rules pdq.

Jean-Claude: Mm, I see and when would you like to begin trading.

Brexit Minister: Today of course, I’ll have you know we’ve got important trade deals to negotiate by Monday morning.

Jean-Claude: Oh dear, well give me your contact details and I’ll get the paperwork out to you today.

Brexit Minister: PAPERWORK!!!!!

Let me remind you who you are talking to…….GREAT BRITAIN you, you………(sighs with frustration)

Jean-Claude: Unfortunately, rules is rules; that’s a little WTO joke!

Brexit Minister: God’s teeth!! Well just get on with it!

As with most things concerned with Brexit, the above playlet is fantasy.

The reality, as described by Anneli Howard in the Guardian of 28.01.19 ( Moving to WTO rules could take seven years, EU law experts warn) is rather different.

At this point, I must warn readers that Anneli Howard is an EU and competition law expert and a

Member of the Bar Council’s Brexit Working Group

The clue to the point is in the description i.e., she’ qualifies as an expert and as such, according

to that well known sage and man of the people Michael Gove, is an unnecessary encumbrance

when it comes to understanding simple things, like the future prosperity and security of our

country. Nevertheless, just in case the esteemed Michael Gove is wrong, I think it worth repeating

what Ms Howard has to say.

She warns that in the case of no deal and trading on WTO rules:

• The UK must produce its own schedules (i.e. its preferred tariffs) covering both services

and each of the 5000 product lines covered in the WTO agreement.

• All 163 WTO members must agree to these schedules; it’s possible, though unlikely, that

Spain might veto because of Gibraltar or Argentina because of the Falklands.

• There are no “crash out” terms; the WTO has blocked the UK from using the EU schedules.
• Nine statutes and 600 statutory instruments need to be adopted before leaving.

• We are not allowed to “cut and paste” the 120,000 EU statutes into UK law and then

make changes over time.

• Finally, the UK will need to establish new enforcement bodies and transfer new powers to

regulators to create its own domestic regimes.

Phew! Ms Howard’s final comment is to say that negotiating and ratifying future trade deals could take over seven years.

Good luck everybody!