Through the Looking Glass Revisited – for Lewis Carroll

Through the Looking Glass Revisited – for Lewis Carroll

with guest stars: Priti Patel as Alice

Al Johnson as Humpty Dumpty

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall ,who is the smirkiest of them all?”

The story so far:

Pretty Petal has fallen through a trap-door in the backroom of her parents' Newsagents, where she has been looking for the 'Ultra' edition of the Conservative Review. As usual she lands on her feet but she is aghast to find that her worst nightmare has been realised - she is wandering in a forest of red-tape and regulation. She flails to left and left but cannot find her way out. Then she hears a voice

“Wiffle, waffle, woffle, I'm King of the world; I'm world King; I can do anything...”

Pretty Hopeless emerges into a clearing where an egg-shaped person with a shock of blonde hair sits on a wall.

“I know you” announces Petal “The Cumquat calls you his 'Chubby Marionette'. You're Dumpy Humper”

“Harrumph” Dumpy murmurs to himself “This is not a good start”

Then turning to Pretty he says

“ I can assure you, young Glistening Otter, that Cumquat advises but Humper decides; well at least I think that's what he said. Anyway, what's your name oh girl of colonial disportation”

“ My name is Pretty Ambitious, Fat Mop-Head”

“Well that's a stupid name.” said the Humper dismissively “A name must have a meaning. Pretty Ambitious means nothing to me.”

“It seems to me that Dumpy Humper is a name without meaning” said Pretty defiantly.

“Au contraire, e contrario, puella bella.” responded Dumpy ( Dumpy liked to lapse into a foreign language when he was uncertain, as it showed how clever he was)

“Dumpy refers to the proportionality between my height and my rotundity, which (as you will have noticed) is perfection itself. Humper speaks for itself, I think.” (Dumpy was pleased with this riposte)

“When I came through the forest I heard you say wiffle, waffle, woffle, Mr Humper. What does that mean?”

“When I use a word” Dumpy Humper replied ”It means just what I choose it to mean...neither more nor less.

For example, when I say 40 hospitals it actually means 6 hospitals or when I say 'Do or Die' it means 'I am going to fob you lot off with a load of baloney.'

'Wiffle, waffle woffle' means 'I don't like your question and I'm not going to answer it'; and so on.

Of course, I have to pay some words more than others, according to how hard they work for me – 'Spaffing, bumboys, piccaninnies, letterboxes' are particularly expensive as I use them a lot.

“That's rather good. I like that...” said Pretty Cunning reflectively “So when I say 'immigrant' it can mean all those people I want to keep out of Wonderland, for one reason or another, but it doesn't refer to Ugandan Asians, like Mum, Dad and Me.

Or when I say I'm taking a 'holiday' it means that I am going to meet Bibi 'the bastard' Netanyahoo?”

“By Jove, you've got it.” said the Humper appreciatively “It's the same with 'Turks' sometimes I use it to put the fear of Mogg up people by telling them that 'we're all going to be run over by marauding Turks'. Sometimes I use 'Turk' as a term of endearment for my dear old Great Grandad Ali Kemal Bey, who hails from Istanbul.”

“By the way, coming from Uganda, I don't suppose you would like to climb up here and join Old Dumpy in some 'Ugandan Discussions'* I suppose?”

“I'm afraid I don't speak Swahili” replied a bemused Pretty Awful.

(Pretty is too young to know that 'Ugandan Discussions' is posh boy code for sexual shenanigans)

“Oh that's disappointing” frowned Humper “ Then perhaps I can persuade you to join my 'cabinet'. I think that it would be amusing to have a representative of the Ugandan Tottyship nearby. You could even sit next to me instead of Cumquat (He always smells unwashed)”

“What's a cabinet” enquired Pretty Useless.

“It's my box, in which I keep people, who do exactly what I say; or rather, exactly what Cumquat says.”

“It sounds just right for me” mused Pretty Devious “And can I make words mean exactly what I want them to, like you?”

“Of course, Pretty Unscrupulous; well that's settled.” said Dumpy Humper clapping his hands. As he did so he started to lose his balance. “ Cripes this wasn't supposed to happen...Cumquat...Cumquat... Cumquaaaatt...where are you?...”

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*Editor's note:Ugandan discussions" is a euphemism for sex coined during the early 1970s by the satirical British magazine "Private Eye".
The basis of the term arose at a party in London hosted by Neal Ascherson at which Irish moralist and journalist Mary Kenny, during her early, wild phase, spent some time upstairs with a former Ugandan government minister. On rejoining the other guests, Kenny explained their absence by saying they were "upstairs discussing Uganda".