Well he would, wouldn't he ?

'Pick of the Day' 3

May 28^th, 2020

Day 7 of the Trials and Tribulations of 'I would drive 500 miles' Dominic Cummings

"I intend to draw a line under the matter."

 Prime Minister Boris Johnson May 28th, 2020

"Well he would, wouldn't he?"

  Mandy Rice Davies at the trial of Stephen Ward July 23rd,1963

THE LAST JOURNEY OF THE STARSHIT DEADWOOD (1)

THE LAST JOURNEY OF THE STARSHIT DEADWOOD

(To badly go where no Starsh**t has badly gone before)

Dramatis Personae

Boris. A. Birk - Commander of the Deadwood

Raab Pocks - First Lieutenant

Hans McCock - Chief Medical Officer

'Gofa' Imer Scott-Rearleigh  (affectionately known as 'Potty-Scotty') - Chief Engineer

Priti HuRya (?) (aka Who-are-yer?) - Communications Officer

Richi Sendus. A. Checkoff... - Navigator

Suella 'Don't Bring' Sulu - Trans-gender Helmsperson

Beemer von Euro-Tünnell – an immigrant Physician

Spad Kumquat (aka The Puppetmeister) – Air Starfleet Marshall

Lights, Camera, Action

First Officer Pocks and Cap'n Birk are standing on the bridge of the Deadwood looking at the new wall to wall Smart TV Screen

Pocks: We're out of range of their final reel of red-tape; they can't hold us, Dim; we've finally escaped U-RoSepsis;. I think we can safely say we're completely on our own now, to make whatever cock-ups we choose.

Birk: Cripes, Pocks! I do wish you would stop calling me Dim.

Pocks: Sorry Dim, Jim, Boris what does it matter if you're King of the Galaxy?

Birk: (clearly affronted clicks his fingers and flexes his biceps) De-regulate and reduce speed to Macho 1, Potty Scotty.

Potty Scotty: (concealing a knife behind his back) Wilco.Well done, Sir; you finally 'Got It Done'.

Birk: That's very generous of you, Potty. I thought you were still miffed with me for getting the Deadwood command over you.

Potty Scotty: (aside) Well perhaps just an incy wincy bit

Richi (Sendusa)Checkoff: Where should I set a course for Mr. Birk?

Birk: Maintain a holding pattern, Mr. Checkoff. I'm under instructions from Spad Kumquat at Starfleet Command (I think he's still in charge) to free Deadwood from U-Rosepsis and await further orders...

Birk does not complete his sentence for he grasps his own throat, diving headlong from the bridge, rising and staggering backwards towards the transporter.

Birk: Phwoarrh! Wrestle him to the floor! Foot on his neck... knee to the solar plexus (that's Latin for guts)...

Birk grasps his crotch and doubles over as if there has been a direct hit in the Constellation Gonads. Birk emits a pitiful high-pitched cry

Birk: No,Not the crown Jewels....help..help...heeeelppp!!

Birk gasps for breath, collapses and passes out. Hans McCock steps forward to help Captain Birk

Pocks: No leave him McCock. I've a Sars-picion that I've seen these symptoms before. If I'm not mistaken Birk has been attacked by the 'Invisible Mugger'. The mugger is feared throughout the galaxy. Science (and we are always guided by the science) tells us that I.M. can be deadly for anyone who measures 5' 9” and weighs 16-and-a-half stone.

Dotty Scotty: (cheerfully)You're describing, Cap'n Birk, (as we say at Carnoustie) to a tee.

Pocks: We must get him into sick-bay immediately. Who's duty medic, McCock?

McCock: Beemer von Euro-Tünnell.

Pocks: Are you sure? I thought all alien Medical Personnel had been sent home under the new Starfleet directive.

At that moment EuroTünnell appears clad in a black plastic bag and a pair of yellow Marigolds and a gasmask.

Pocks: Ah, Beemer there you are. But why are you dressed like that? This is no time to indulge your sartorial proclivities.

McCock: I didn't have a chance to give you the heads up, Pocks. This is the new budget protective clothing couriered to us by the Starshit Bezoss.

Pocks: Protective clothing but not as we know it, eh, 'Cock?

Pocks orders Beemer to get Birk into sickbay and to keep him in isolation even if his condition improves.

Who are yer?: This is no time for us to be leaderless. Who's gonna be in charge?

Pocks turns to Potty Scotty

Pocks: You have to step up to the plate, Gofa. Cometh the hour cometh the man to carry the can....

Potty Scotty : (aside) Pocks has to be joking; if anyone thinks I'm going to lead this shit show...

Potty Scotty (addressing Pocks): Surely Mr. Pocks, as second in command it fall-guys to you?

McCock: (trying to get between Scotty and Pocks) Me, me, me; why not me?

Pocks and Potty Scotty fall about laughing

Pocks : What about Suella Sulu; this is the time for a competent helmsperson.

Suella blushes

Sulu: Oh, youuu guys!!

McCock: (interposing himself between Sulu and Pocks) Oover here, why not me, me me!

Boris 'Dim' Birk is completely forgotten as Birk's cabin..crew (with the exception of McCock) vie with each other not to be shoved into the 'hot-seat'

TO BE CONTINUED...

Pick of the Day' 2

'Pick of the Day' 2

May 26^th, 2020

Question of the Day - is Cummings going?

Comment of the day on the Cummings-Johnson Shitshow - the Clemantics award goes to Marina Hyde

"The thing about Johnson is that he desperately wanted to become prime minister, and he desperately wanted to have been prime minister. It’s just the bit in between he struggles with. With Othello, it was jealousy. Macbeth: ambition. Lear: pride. Johnson: career liar, hollowed out by narcissism, who not even his friends would joke was motivated by public service. I guess it’s the little things that trip you up, isn’t it?"

Marina Hyde in The Guardian 26.05.2020

The Epistle According to St Dom

The Epistle According to St Dom

 

And lo, it came to pass that the Sainted Dom and Mary, who was a bit under the weather and with child – well, with a child anyway – were constrained to save the BOY CHILD and return unto the city of the sainted Dom which is called Durham.

After journeying for many miles there was no room at Chéz Cummings and so the BOY CHILD was laid in an outhouse recently converted to a holiday let.

And Mary praised the sainted Dom who had delivered them to safety into the arms of the blessed child carers that the BOY CHILD might at last be saved; later, Mary wrote of their merciful journey so that all in the land might rejoice.

There then came to the family the sainted Dom’s sister – locally called the Angel of the North – and several wise children bearing gifts of hummus and dips, tinned tomatoes and Ribena.

Yet unto the family was a plague borne out of China. The sainted Dom and Mary succumbed to the plague and while they rested the BOY CHILD healed their sickness and suffered not the devil to speak because he had the blessed Ribena.

And lo, when both had recovered but during the couple’s purification period, the sainted Dom in praise of the BOY CHILD removed them for a quick shufti round Barnard Castle.

It came to pass that, at last, the sainted Dom arose and took the BOY CHILD and his mother and returned to the land of London in the upmarket city of Islington that he might be amongst the prophets of his support.

But when people of Tablets learned of the flight into Durham there was much wailing, indignation and gnashing of teeth. And so it was that great doo doos was heaped on their heads and the people of the land demanded ‘Repent ye and leave the house of Johnson and go forth into the wilderness.

What is the moral of our story?

 

I suppose the belief that if you are one of most powerful persons in the country then the laws and regulations by which society maintains a civilised structure do not apply to you and that, even when challenged, integrity and honour are foreign lands to you.

But, as the Romans were always mindful, beware the mob, because the strands that hold society together depend totally on the trust and support of the people. Undermine that trust and chaos ensues…

Although, isn’t that exactly what the sainted Dom wants?

PICKING FOR BRITAIN

Clemantics was sorry to hear that the

PICKING FOR BRITAIN

web-site folded within hours of announcement by Tory Environment Minister George 'Useless' Eustice .

To fill the void Clemantics has opened its

'Pick of the Day'

 

site. We will choose the best of the lies, obfuscation and 'car crash' interviews of Johnson and his gang of sycophants. You are invited to submit your own for publication.

There will be a special 'Woeful Wednesday Feature -Mismatch of the Day'

 

in which we bring you the highlights of PMJ being dispatched from the dispatch box at PMQs

Pick will be a regular feature offered by Clemantics until the 'Daily Briefing' ceases to grace our screens and we emerge on 'the other side'

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'Pick of the Day' 1

May 20^th, 2020

“It is difficult to find alternative sources (to fund NHS). It is the right way forward.”

                            (P.M on the surcharges exacted from overseas NHS Workers)

May 21st, 2020

“The PM has asked the Home Secretary and I to work on how we can remove NHS and care Workers from the NHS 'surcharge' as soon as possible.” 

(Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health on the surcharges exacted from overseas NHS Workers)

October 10^th, 1980

To those waiting... for that...catchphrase, the 'U-turn', I have only one thing to say: 'You turn [U-turn] if you want to. The lady's not for turning!'

(PM Margaret Thatcher to Tory Conference in 1980)

And while we're on the subject...

And while we're on the subject...What is there in a name?

That special relationship:

In God we Truss?

All Trussed up like a chlorinated chicken and... no place to go?

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Meanwhile back home...

 

The New 'Quick Release Truss' for those out-of-control  below the belt moments

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Truss me I'm a politician

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Brainless Truss

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Trust dies but Miss Truss blossoms – Sophocles

THE WORLD OF TRUSST WORTHY (?)

THE WORLD OF TRUSST WORTHY (?)

In a recent Guardian article, reference was made to the fact that Liz Truss was in the process of negotiating a trade deal with the USA.

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2020/may/04/uk-government-begins-transatlantic-trade-talks-with-washington

In this piece, special reference was made to the need to reduce tariffs on such invaluable items as pork pies and shower trays – now there’s a combination you don’t hear every day!

However, the Department for International Trade estimates that, even with a comprehensive trade deal with the United States, our economy would be at most only 0.16% larger by the middle of the next decade.

So here is my tribute to the indomitable Ms Trusst to the tune of  

“She’ll be Coming Round the Mountain When She Comes”

It’s a trade deal with the Yanks that Ms Trusst wants,

It’s a trade deal with the Yanks that Ms Trusst wants,

But no matter what she tries,

We all know where the power lies

And one thing that’s for sure it’s not with us.

Chorus

Ay ay yippee Truss her up,

Ay ay yippee Truss her up,

Singing ay ay yippee,

Ay ay yippee,

Ay ay yippee Truss her up.

Oh, let’s hope it’s not too high a bill,

Oh let’s hope it’s not too high a bill,

Cos you know with Trump it’s ‘my way’,

Or else you’re for the highway,

Let’s hope it’s not too high a bill.

(Chorus…….)

But the yanks love our meaty porky pies,

Yes the Yanks love our meaty porky pies,

No it’s not the way I tell ‘em,

It’s the way she goanna sell ‘em,

The Yanks love our meaty porky pies.

(Chorus…….)

She’ll be telling ‘em to buy our shower trays,

She’ll be telling ‘em to buy our shower trays,

They’re long lasting and forever,

And light as a feather,

She’ll be telling ‘em to buy our shower trays.

 (Chorus…..)

To clinch the deal she’ll sell the NHS,

To clinch the deal she’ll sell the NHS,

It’ll be a real trend setter,

Cos private’s so much better,

To clinch the deal she’ll sell the NHS.

(Chorus……)

THE END

Let's Just Kill Off the Old'uns

Brand New 'Combined Harvesters' by Bozo and the Weasels

I drove my hearse to a Care Home last night

Oh ah! Oh aah!

Grieving families, I couldn't give a shite

Oh ah! Oh aah!

Dom's tellin' me 'bout herd immunity

Oh ah! Oh aah!

Kill off the old 'uns with impunity

Oh ah! oh aah!

'Cos we're brand new 'Combined Harvesters'; that's Dom and me

Come on now Carers, lets harvest together in perfect harmony

I've chopped several thousands but there's plenty left for thee

Now we're the brand new 'Combined Harevesters', forget your PPE.

I'll stick by Dom, he gives me all I need,

Oh ah! Oh aah!

'E's just the Angel of Death – the Grim Reaper on speed

Oh ah! Oh aah!

Let's get down to harvesting, Matt'll lend us a hand

Oh ah! Oh aah!

Curtains for the Old'uns- they won't guess it's all planned

Oh ah! Oh aah!

'Cos we're the new 'Combined Harvesters'; that's Dom and me

Morticians 'n' Embalmers working together in perfect harmony

I've had coronavirus' but it couldn't do for me

Now, we're the brand new 'Combined Harvesters' no need for PPE.

Who culls ya, Granpops? Ha!

Dom'n'Me be a couple at the Grand Harvester Ball

Oh ah! Oh aah!

You with your scythe; me playing the fool

Oh ah! Oh aah!

With our Fragrantia Morticiana we will smell grand

Oh ah! Oh aah!

Get on it Reaper, we'll all lend a hand.

'Cos we're the grand new 'Combined Harvesters', that's Dom and me

Deaths more than 30 thousand, many down to me

Just stop equivocating, join us and see

The only way is harvesting; long as it's not you; it's not me...

'Cos we're the grand new 'Combined Harvesters'. That's Dom and me...

(music

fades as crematorium curtains close)

Deaths from any cause in care homes have increased by 220% since the start of the COVID-19 outbreak 

also see:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/may/08/care-home-residents-harvested-left-to-die-uk-government-herd-immunity?CMP=share_btn_link

TO REFERENDUM OR NOT TO REFERENDUM – IS THAT THE QUESTION?

   

TO REFERENDUM OR NOT TO REFERENDUM – IS THAT THE QUESTION?

“The present is the past rolled up for action, and the past is the present unrolled for understanding.”
― Ariel Durant, The Lessons of History  

 

May 1945 – Victory in Europe. A time for celebration. Yet, politically the coalition was beginning to fragment, cohesion was becoming weaker and politicians of all parties knew that an election was imminent. The only question was, ‘when’.

The Labour Party wanted to delay the election until October fearing that in an early election Winston Churchill’s charisma and record as war leader would sway the electorate. There were, however, two further and less partisan reasons, namely;

• A new electoral register would not be ready until October.
• The difficulty in organising the votes of Service personnel overseas.

Churchill disagreed, arguing that to continue the coalition until October would be detrimental to ministerial and parliament work. He suggested as an alternative the coalition continue until the defeat of Japan and, in support of this, to hold a referendum so that the decision rested with the whole electorate.

Clement Attlee and the Labour leadership did not respond to the suggestion of a referendum but offered a compromise in which the coalition would continue until the defeat of Japan but only on condition the government proceeded with social reforms. However, soon after, when this was put to the Labour Party conference, anger at Churchill’s offer of a referendum as opposed to an election was so great that the suggestion was rejected.

Attlee, whose compromise suggestion had been accepted by Churchill, accepted the will of conference and, in an attempt to restore his standing in the party, went on the attack. It is in this context that the contents of his letter to the prime minister have direct relevance and meaning for the more recent history of political decisions.

He wrote:

“I could not consent to the introduction into our national life of a device so alien to all our traditions as the referendum, which has only too often been the instrument of Nazism and Fascism…….and can hardly have endeared these expedients to the British heart”

He then concluded with a personal attack:

“The reasons for rejecting an autumn election seem to me to be based not on national interests but on consideration of party expediency. It appears to me that you are departing from the position of a national leader by yielding to the pressure of the Conservative Party…….”

NB: In the event the general election was held on 5^th July 1945.

Despite Clement Attlee’s thoughts on the efficacy of referendums, the first referendum in the United Kingdom was held on 8^th March 1973; the question concerned Northern Ireland sovereignty. Since then a further 10 referendums have been held, of which three were national referendums.

There is no doubt that the issues addressed by these referendums were important and had serious implications for the future structure of the country and our continuing relationships both within and beyond our borders. However, these considerations are not of themselves sufficient to explain the need for referendums – which are in any event are cumbersome and, more often than not, distil complex issues down to a crude, binary choice of potential outcomes. On this basis, why have they been used so frequently during the past 47 years?

The answer lies in the fact that, whilst we are a parliamentary democracy, we are in practice a two party state and, moreover, two parties comprising a range of ideological opinions held together largely with the intention of maintaining the respective party’s apparent unity and potential for power. This structure, in concert with first past post elections, has meant that large numbers of the electorate feel disenfranchised because so many seats continue to elect representatives of one party or the other time and time again.

It might be argued, therefore, that resort to referendums is a means by which the electorate have a meaningful say in the decision making process. I suggest that, in reality, such an instrument merely underlines the weakness of our democratic process and is an abrogation of parliamentary responsibility. Furthermore, the decision to hold the referendums of 1974 and 2016 was a cynical device to avoid aggravating splits in the two main parties and, in the case of the 2011 referendum, to reinforce and maintain a recently contrived coalition government.

Our political process needs an overhaul. The first past post system is no longer fit for purpose – if it ever was – people are disenfranchised and referendums become the patronising thin end of the wedge. It is time to introduce a more sophisticated voting process and the system I suggest should be proportional representation and specifically the single transferable vote. In this system, rather than one person representing everyone in a small area, bigger areas elect a small team of representatives; these representatives reflect the diversity of opinions in the area. Accordingly, the single transferable vote puts power in the hands of the public and not political parties.

By such means, people who for decades have felt disconnected and alienated from the democratic process will have confidence that their vote has value and meaning in the cause of good governance. The duopoly of the Labour and Conservative parties will be significantly diminished as will the spurious use of referendums for the purpose of maintaining the façade of party unity as opposed to national interests.

Parliament can and will assume its rightful place as the sovereign institution for taking all decisions that affect our country’s future and referendums will finally be consigned to history.

Refs:

Attlee and Churchill Leo McKinstry

For further information on proportional representation and the single transferable vote, go to

www.electoralreform.org.uk

Throughout this piece, I have used the word referendum on numerous occasions. I did this in the hope that the reader might become so sick of the sight of this word, that any future reference to it will induce a physical reaction so severe that he or she would not countenance participation in any future REFERENDUM.

J. Neal @ Clemantics.blogspot.