More Diaries

Diary of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (3) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

 

Separated at Birth

Nadhim Zahawi                            Nadine Zimbabwe

July 1^st,2020

Mrs. Z brings me my usual afternoon snifter – Between The Sheets cocktail

' Your favourite' she says coquettishly.

She's worried about me sitting for hours on end in a darkened room sporting my hunting pink watching recordings of my two Question Time triumphs. I can't deny it: I am depressed. Even her offer of a rub down with horse liniment fails to get the blood coursing.

I break off from the bit where 'Double Whammy' Lammy looks pitifully to Fi Bruce as I administer my coup de grace, to review one of my favourite diary entries from the time entitled:

'Victory Complete'

June 10^th,2020

Receive call from his Bozzership. Number 10 is particularly complimentary about my performance on the Fi-the-Bruce show.

“Great performance, Naddy” says he “ No-one could understand a bloody word. You've invented the never-ending sentence: no-one knows where it's going before it disappears up its own dependant clause - genius, ingenio pura. Better patent it old boy, or I'll be using it myself, ho, ho!

There are big things planned for you, Alter Junge. The Home Sec, she whose name must not be spoken, is still not cutting the mustard. If you get my drift.”

“Well, if my country needs me...in whatever capacity...” is my modest response.

“ Well between you and me Naddster, The Not-so-Pretty Petal has (as you horsey types would say) the bit between her teeth with her new immigration policy. She is all for sending you packing back to Iraq, that is your country isn't it?... only joking, mon vieux; just a bit of Bullingdon Banter. We can't do without you. We need our Scheiße Schaufler-in-chief here ready with his shovel.

Anyway, mon ami, keep that mobile phone handy at all times. Bozza will be back with ' Big Jobbies' for our favourite BAME."

I've kept my phone in my jodphurs ever since, despite odd looks from the stable lasses, but John Peel (ringtone) has been completely silent.

July 12^th

At last a call from Number 10. It's the odious Pfizzer (Cummings) but better than nothing, I suppose.

„ Hello, Fatso... the Ministry for Disinformation, here. Just put down that copy of 'All You Ever Wanted to Know about French Fillies' and pay attention“

„ I'm mucking out the stables, actually“ I protest.

„How appropriate!“ says he „ then this job will be right up your street.“ (usual annoying chortling from Pfizzer).

„ We need someone to go onto Politics Live after Prime Minister's Questions. The Great Gaffer is going to make one of his biggest gaffs yet and we need someone to be in the studio to make His Idiotship look good when the solids hit the fan.“

„ Do I get advanced information on the nature of the gaff?“ I enquire (indicating to Pfizzer that I'm now an old hand at this type of stuff).

„ Not your concern, Zimbabwe. Let's just say the punch-line is something to do with Calvin Klein Briefs (Below-the-belt obession from Johnson as usual). All this talk of face masks has turned his head. His Gaffership thinks he can go out unmuzzled and tell jokes without realizing that he is the joke.

You'll be questioned by that North London girl-guide, Joanna Cockburn, who still hasn't got the message that the days of investigative journalism and probing questions are long past. When she puts a question to you you've just got to keep to your usual never-ending sentence routine. And don't try any of that Kurdish anti-semitic stuff. We don't want trouble from her lot.“

„ The Kurds and the Israelis have been chums since 1950. I would have thought you knew that, Pfizzer.“ says I, going on the offensive ('Big balls; big balls, Naddy' I say to myself).

„Don't get clever with me, Nadine or I'll kick you and your Spad's ass. Kurdish; Smurdish; what do I care? Just don't mention Zionism. Remember, as it says in the Port advert, don't say Cock say Co...Try not to Co it up, Tubbykins!“ ...Hysterical chortling down the phone and then silence...

As I slip my mobile back into my jodhpurs I can hardly contain my delight. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and can't resist a wink. By the time Mrs. Z enters the door brandishing the biggest flagon of horse liniment you've ever seen, I am jigging round my study singing

'Happy days are here again; Naddy, the Daddy, is on the tube again...'

'It's nice to see you back to your old self, Nad.' She says ' That's the Stallion I married.'

„Up and at 'em, Mrs Z! Up and at 'em!“...

 Jo Coburn learns that Nadine Zimbabwe will be appearing on her show

More diaries will appear as we continue to emerge from Lockdown

--------------------------------------------------------

Post-Mortem

THE LOU SINGH MOMENTUM PLAYERS PRESENT

 

IT MIGHT BE TRUE 

A KITCHEN SINK DRAMA

In Association With

TWO LEFT FEET PRODUCTIONS

Dateline: Camber Sands – 26^th June 2020

Extraordinary meeting of the Socialist Campaign Group………

“Hold on, hold on. How do you know there was a meeting of the Socialist Campaign Group at Camber Sands, I simply don’t believe it!

Because you idiot, there was a red flag flying over the lifeguard hut – so it stands to reason. Now, if you don’t mind I’d like to get on!

As I was saying, this alleged meeting – satisfied? – was called to discuss the sacking of one of the dearly loved comrades – namely, Double Decker Old Bailey – by that faux socialist, Sir “I’m just a working class lad” Starmer.

The meeting was addressed by the chair of the Socialist Campaign Group, Richard Burgoo. He informed the members that their strategy of publishing a tweet from the beloved comrade and actress, Marxist Vertex, with its cunningly disguised anti-Semitic trope had been a great success; not least because it was re- tweeted, as arranged, by the comradely martyr Double Decker Old Bailey which led to her political demise.

Burgoo, praised Old Bailey’s sacrifice in the cause of left wing solidarity and the renewed fight for the Dover of the party. Other group members added their own comments such as John McScouser, who with questionable parental schmaltz, expressed his pride at double DD’s courage, whilst Only One Corboni simply but movingly said, “Good morning”, “Thank you for coming”, I hope we won’t be long, I’ve got a problem with my runner beans”, “Goodbye” - bless him.

It was left to Len Cluckles to put a slight dampener on proceedings when he commented on Old Bailey’s piece in the Gruniard; especially her pathetic explanation of a cup of coffee, a fit of the vapours and a resultant lack of concentration. But gentleman that he is (sic), he conceded that Old Bailey was young - at which point Old Bailey looked down in simpering fashion – and, as yet had not fully embraced the fate of all true British socialists – the bitter and enduring taste of defeat.

He went on to say “We got what we wanted, a new war,’cos what’s life without fighting the stat…stat…what’s that word Burgoo?

“Status quo”

“Aye that Roman feller. Your sacrifice and martyrdom will go down in the annals of the left’s struggle against the suppression of the working class.

Pass us a cucumber sandwich and a slice of that excellent Dundee cake would you, there’s a dear”

At this point, Burgoo moved that it was now Cluckles’ turn to take the movement forward. He in turn confirmed that he was composing an anthem for our (i.e. their) time and proceeded to give the meeting a rendition of the first verse as follows;

He (or she) who would Communist be, ‘gainst any right wing ideologies,

Let him (or her) in perpetuity follow the teachings of Gramsci,

There’ll be no turning back we’re ever on the right track,

With pain, it’s just my bad back,

To be a Com-mu-nist

On finishing, he said, “It’s a bit rough round the edges but I’m getting there”

There was silence in the meeting when, surprisingly, Only One Corboni looked up from his crop planner and said, “It sounds familiar and takes me back to my school days when the other boys gave me a wedgie after assembly”.

At this, the meeting lost some momentum (!) and as is the wont with many men, talk became somewhat desultory and turned to the ups and downs of football teams or in the case of Only One Corboni the problem of saving his brassicas from marauding pigeons.

In, yet out, Old Bailey sat quietly in the corner, a single tear rolling down her flushed cheek. After a while she looked up and said “What about me now”

The others looked over seemingly surprised she was still there. They seemed lost for words but finally suggested that her time had come and gone and for her it was back to the back benches and obscurity. They turned away and resumed talking amongst themselves, leaving Old Bailey to reflect on what might have been had she not flown too close to the sun that was Only One Corboni.

---------------------------

American Dependence Day Celebration

July 4^th – American Dependence Day

Yankee's poodle came to town

Sold out for a 'pony'

Bobby shaftoed all of us

Spouting promises quite phoney.

Poodle Johnners went to town

sold out for a pony

White feather in his cap

he swallowed Trump's baloney

Yankee's poodle likes to Hump

Poodle gets quite randy

He'd screw us all just for Trump

And think himself quite dandy

Yankee's poodle came to town etc. etc.

Ed note: Pony - cockney rhyming slang for £25

Diary of a Nobody 2

Diary of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (2) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

 

Separated at Birth

Nadhim Zahawi                            Nadine Zimbabwe

May 21^st 2020

Dear Diary it is now 6 months since I have written to you. It's not through neglect, oh no. No-one can ever accuse Yours Truly of neglect. The fact is I have been in a deep depression as no-one at Bozza HQ has called me for weeks. I must confess silence from No.10 has been worrying me, not least because the expected invitation to star in a 'Daily Briefing' has not yet arrived. (Hancock's into double figures and even 'Shapeshifter' Shapps has knocked up 3 appearances).

So last week I put in a call to Mr Alka Seltzer (fizzing with ideas) Cummings. I'm afraid it didn't go all that well.

“What do you want, Fatso?How's the Business Sec job going? Have you negotiated that trade deal with Lichtenstein yet?” he says chortling loudly down the phone.

“I was wondering whether you've got any special assignment for me” says I

“ Stay at home. Stay out of sight; Protect Bozza's reputation. Which part of this instruction do you not understand? Now just sod off back to your stable and close the door. Don't call us we'll call you.” with that the line goes dead.

May 22^nd

I must say Mrs. Z has been a brick throughout Lockjaw. She keeps me happy by leaving cheery little nursery rhymes on my vanity desk. Her latest, sent today:

'Gee up, Naddy, Don't despair

Sometimes life seems to be unfair

Tomorrow will come a summons to Bozza's lair

A top job awaits you when you get there...

proves to be particularly prescient...

Not a peep out of the mobile all morning so I was keeping myself alert by scrutinizing back issues of Horse and Hound, featuring some gorgeous horse-meat when Mrs. Z interrupted my train of thought by informing me that the P.M.'s office was on the land-line, asking for me. Natch' I snatched the phone from her.

“ Boris so good to hear from you...” I declare.

Before I have a chance to bandy manly chat with his eminence the unmistakable voice of Ko Ming interrupts me

“It's the real P.M., you fool. The Prime Manipulator; It's the Organ Grinder not his Monkey. I've got a job for you. It's simple; even you can't mess up. I'm sending you a statement about my trip 'Oop North'. You just have to put it on your twitter page and get it published in the Stratford-on-Avon Tit Bits. Think you can manage that without screwing up?”

Ko Ming doesn't know I am one step ahead of him as I overheard two of my constituents discussing the 'Barnard Castle, I should have gone to Specsavers' advert when I went to the paper shop to pick up this month's copy of the 'Practical Horseman.' For once I have the upper hand with Super-Spad.

“ I hear you're in a spot of bother, Old Fruit. Don't go to see pater and mater; do go to see mater and pater; Don't make unnecessary journeys; Do make unnecessary journeys.” I say playfully.

“ Oh very funny” 'Fizzer' replies, as if hit by an exocet “Just remember, Old Fruit, you're not the only BAME fuckwit we have in government. Just keep the jokes cumming and you'll find out just how expendable you are.”

Later – Mrs Z. says it sounds like one of Fizzer's not so veiled threats. She's a fine woman but she just doesn't understand men's joshing!

June 2^nd, 2020

53 today and still as youthful and dashing as ever! I have placed my picture on Instagram. So far only one heart emoji from Mrs Wisby at the corner shop. A nice card from Boris and Dilyn, the dog, with the rather cryptic message 'Time to write your memoirs?' I'm still trying to work out what he's hinting at. Anyway, it inspired me to review my diaries, which I have given the provisional title of 'My Years Running The Country'. When the time is right I will place them in the public domain. History, of course, will be the judge but I reckon my scribblings will easily out-sell the 'Shepherd's Hut Ramblings' of one David William Donald Cameron.

Later – I'm lounging in the bath relaxing with a copy of ' Champion the Wonder Horse' (a present from one of my stable lasses; wink, wink!) when down at the taps end 'Do you ken John Peel' (my ringtone) goes off full blast.

It's the call I've been waiting for

“Hi, Nad! Bozza here. We're in a spot of bother over this Black Lives Matter thing. Fizzer says I can't front up the Government response because of all that Watermelon Smiles, piccaninnies stuff I once said.

“Mere youthful hi-jinks, Prime Minister, youthful hi-jinks” I say to assuage the sense of guilt he must be feeling.

“Exactly, Naddy!” he replies “Only trouble is it was only 2 years ago. Anyway the boss says I need to get back into the fridge until it all blows over. Oh, here he is now...”

As usual the man jumps straight in without offering the pleasantries, which I am due.

“Look here Tubbikins, we need an Asian to go on Question Time to head off all this crap about racism in government. Sunak's too busy. Patel's got her foot stuck in her mouth, as usual. Sharmarama's out with the 'flu so that just leaves you.”

“You do know I am Kurdish, not strictly Asian, don't you, Mr. Ko Ming”

“Kurdish, smurdish, what does it matter as long as you look Asian?

Now Let's get on with it. Fi Bruce is easy enough to handle. You just have to talk over her – you're good at that. But you'll have to watch out for 'Double Whammy' Lammy. He'll plant a left jab between your owlish glasses; before you know where you are his right hook will be saying hello to that fat chin of yours. Much as I would enjoy seeing that, it would be bad for all of us at number 10.

Just in case you are thinking of going 'off script' by the way. Don't. Or I'll send a firing squad round to your stud farm right away. As 'Savage Jav' found out cross me and it's

“Load. BAME. Fire. “ Fizzer hoots uncontrollably

“OK 9.00 Thursday. The Beeb will send a car round as usual. Be ready.”

Fizzer hangs up. I am ecstatic. Naddy 'Big Daddy' is back .Question Time has always been the venue for my finest performances. I can't wait...

To Be Continued