DRAGOON'S
DEN – Covid Special
Evan Rabies: Welcome to this Covid-Special edition of Dragooons Den, the programme where entrepreuners with goofy ideas pitch to multi-millionaires plus 'Fcuck Business' Boris in order to relieve them of their cash. But before we get started you may remember that we asked you, the viewers at home, to vote for 'The Dragoons Den best-ever pitch. You voted overwhelmingly for the BFS pitch by Chris Failling. So, in order to get the show started, here it is again:
Evan Rabies: First into the Den is Christopher Failling. Chris has previously visited the Den with exciting business ventures like:
'Bog-roll Bonanza' requisitioning Prisoners' Books, pulping them, turning them into toilet paper and selling the B. rolls back to Her Majesty's Prison Service.
'Hokey Cokey Railways' Franchising rail companies; taking them back into public ownership; re-franchising them. Picking up a nice Government subsidy each time the train company changes hands.
(No doubt the Dragooons will want to Choo, choo on that!!)
So what is your pitch this time, Chris or do you prefer me to call you Mr. Failling?
CF: Ailing or Failling, either will do. Today I am offering an opportunity that no Dragoon will want to miss. I have registered my start-up company (or more accurately my friend's company) BSF - Boatless Sea Freight – with Companies House and we're ready to start trading.
ER: So what is your pitch to the Dragoons?
CF: (looking bewildered) Well that's it, actually. I just thought some of them might like a piece of the action.
ER: Well, Mr Failure, I think the Dragoons need a bit more than that. It sounds intriguing...go ahead... push the boat out (Rabies chortles at his own little joke)
CF: There are 3 elements to my proposal so 'stay alert' Dragons ( to camera – 'you heard it here first!'):
Increase capacity
Revive Ramsgate
Make loadsa Dosh
ER: We're with you so far. Go on.
CF: Going forward we will clearly need increased capacity to return all those unwanted EU citizens back where they belong. That means boats; and boats need water – that's where Ramsgate comes in; and I need cash; that's where you come in. So I get boats; I hand out some spondulicks to Ramsgate to use their harbour; you give me the wonga and we're all happy.
ER: Brilliant. Over to the Dragons for questions.
Dragon Theo: How many boats does BFS currently own, Failling?
CF: Well, as we bandy chat here and now. None.
DT: None?
CF: None, that's right. Nichts, Zippo, Nul Point, Zilch
DT: Don't you see that as a bit of a problem?
CF: Not really. 'Fcuck Business' in his excellent book 'The Churchill Factor' (winks at Fcuck) points out that boats came screaming out of the woodwork when we needed them in 1940. May I assure you Mr. Pappadoodar there will be plenty of boats!
Dragon Peter Jonah: What is Boatless Freight Services (BFS) currently worth. I'm talking assets and turnover?
DJ: What's with all this Westminster speak. Give me a straight answer, man.
Fcuck Boris: (intervening) What he means is, Jonah, ' Nichts, Zippo, Nul Point, Zilch.'
Dragon Deborah Meany: So, Mr. Ailing-Failling, what investment from us are you seeking?
CF: Oh 15 million should do it.
DDM: Just to be clear, Mr. Failure. You are asking us to invest several millions in a company, which has no assets; no boats; no premesis and no money: Cojones grandes, Cojones grandes, Senor Failure, but I'm 'OUT'.
Dragon Theo: I'm 'out', too.
Dragons All: Count me 'out' too.
'Fcuck Business, Boris': Phwooar, Fellow Dragons, Dracones Conservis, let's not be hasty; we do not want to be a coterie of lily-livered nincompoops. Where's your Dunkirk spirit? I think this is an excellent proposal, possibly world-beating. I'm 'in', definitely, ineluctably 'in'; 'in' like Flynn. How much did you say you want 15 million? Cheap at double the price! I'm in for 33 million!...
Lights fade as Ailing Failling leaves the set with he and Fcuck exchange Thumbs Up signs.
Evan Rabies: I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did. After a short break to refresh our PPE we hit the Covid trail in earnest. Up next, we have:
Mr Dildo Hardon with 3 exciting linked investment opportunities:
Truck and Trailer
Track and Trace
Trick or Treat
Let's see if Hardon can 'Walk the Walk as well as Talk the Talk!!
Then we have:
Richman Soonak presenting his 'Sh*t out to help out' business proposal. He wants to open up and revolutionize use of our all-important public conveniences.
Will the Dragoons take his 'punt' seriously or will they think Richman is just taking the P*SS again? Don't go away...
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