Universally Challenged (first published September 2020)

 

Universally Challenged

 

Jeremy Packperson: Hello and welcome to the final of Universally Challenged. You all know the format: I ask the questions. They give stupid answers and I raise my eyebrows to heaven and look superior. So let's just get on with it and meet the teams:

TOFFS COLLEGE OXFORD:

Hello! I'm Sandy de Pfeffel - I'm from somewhere near Slough and I'm reading Dysfunctional Sociopathy

Hello! I'm Dildo Harden – I'm from Little Privledge-on-the-Wold and I'm reading Miss-management studies

Hello! I'm Matthew Hand-Jobi – I'm from Great Fallguy and I'm, of course, reading PPE

and finally their Captain

Hello, intellectual inferiors! I'm Dum Cumming. I'm from Barnard Castle (at least that's the address I'm giving you) and I'm writing Higher Egocentrics and Self-Monomania. So what's it to you,eh?

And now:

ALL SORTS COLLEGE, BREXETER

Bonjour! I'm Frenchie Francois. I'm from Essex and proud of it and I'm reading The Daily Mail (and proud of it)

Hi Bab, I'm Gigi von Stuaart. I'm from a nicer part of Birmingham and I'm reading Politics and Scabrous Opportunistics

Well hello! I'm Jakob Breeze-Block. I'm from Myemissus-Pile in Somerset and I'm reading 18^th Century Constitutional BRITISH History

and All Sorts' Captain

Hello! I'm Nige Gammon-Faraggo. Currently resident on the White Cliffs of Dover; and I'm reading 'Pah! Reading; it's for the birds'

Jeremy Packperson: OK teams ready;fingers on buzzers (that's the round object near your shooting hand, Frenchie). 3 literature questions. Here's your starter for 10

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of England lies a small unregarded Castle Town...” These are the opening words from which Sci-Fi novel?

TOFFS – Cumming

Dum C: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Durham.

J Packperson: Well interrupted Toffs. That's right.Your literature Bonuses. Wendy Reardon's first book reached number 3 on the best-seller list in 2018. What is its title?

Al de Pfeffel: PhwaaaH! I know this one, Skip. Jen Arcuri put me on to it.

Dum C: I nominate my Meat Puppet.

Al de Pf: Complete Idiot's Guide to Exotic and Pole Dancing. Fabulous pictures; gleaming otters going through their paces...

J. Packperson: Correct. In which book did the author propound:

“People want to think that something is the BIGGEST and the most SPECTACULAR. I call it 'truthful hyperbole'. It's an innocent form of exaggeration...

Dildo H: I know this one, Dum. It's a business question and I'm right on it. If I'm not mistaken it is Mr Bigly Big himself...It's

'The Arse of the Deal' by Donald Trumplethinskin

J.Packperson: Correct and finally. Which celebrated character is credited with saying:

“We're all mad here. I am mad; you are mad.”

Dum C:

This is the Chair of The European Research Group (ERG) at their inaugural meeting in the Churchill War Rooms aka 'The Bunker'.

J.Pack...: Nice try Toffs. It was, in fact, the Cheshire Cat in Alice in the Westminster Bubble.

Right we have picture bonuses coming your way. Here's your starter for 10.

Can you identify...?

(Voice over) Gammon-Farrago, Brexeter...

Gammon- Farrago: “ 2 illegal immigrants invading us off the Coast of Deal”

J.Pack:

5 point penalty to Brexeter. Toffs you get the full question.'Can you identify the cargo carried and the destination of the craft pictured?'

Matthew H-J: I'm pretty confident that it a special delivery of PPE to the NHS in Dover.

J. Pack:

Terribly bad luck there Toffs. It was indeed PPE but it was on its way to the Isle of Wight... We'll still take the picture bonus even if you did hopelessly on that question; but first your starter for 10: 'If Jim Callaghan; John Major, and Gordon Brown are the first 3 politicians, who is the 4^th?'

(Voice over) Breeze-Block, Brexeter...

Jakob B-B:

As a student of constitutional history, I think that Universitas Provocatione (Universally Challenged) may be guilty of a little nequitia (trickery) here...

J.Paks : (interrupting) C'mon Brexeter, get on with it..

Jakob B-B:

...As I was trying to say in my declamatory statement... guilty of a little nequitia here because the answer must be Rishi Sunak

J.Paks :

Sunak is correct. All 4 are Chancellors of the Exchequer, who have successfully ousted their neighbour at no.10 to grab the top job of Prime Minister

(Loud snorting off camera followed by 'not yet, amicus meus', from Toffs panel member)

Brexeter – your picture bonus. The first 2 pictures have a nautical connection:

Under what title and in which paper/periodical did this picture appear?

Frenchie F:

Moscow claims responsibility for Sinking of the Titanic in the Daily Mail, April 1912

J.Paks :

'Fraid not, Espèce d' Idiot, it is in fact UK economy heads for disaster as EU talks breakdown – headline in The Economist

Same question:Under what title and in which paper/periodical did this picture appear?

Gigi von S:

Alrooight, Skip. This am an easy 'un:

'Invasion of the Illegal Immigrants - and so it begins' headline in the Daily Torygraph

J.Paks :

No, I'm afraid not. The headline was ' Where's Wallies ?' Absent Cabinet members spotted near Calais on a team building day' in Power Boat and Rib magazine

And finally, what does this graph illustrate:

Gammon- Farrago:

It's clearly a graph setting out the Government's incompetence (rivalled only by its incompetence in delivering Brexit, I might add) in dealing with Covid 19 with deaths and infections going through the roof.

J.Paks :

Yeahrrrs. I see where you're comming from Farrago, but it is in fact a graph showing the increase in immigration since UK' took back control' from the EU.

TO BE CONTINUED...