Cabinet
Mastermind
Humpy
Friss:Welcome viewers to
Cabinet Mastermind 2021
The show where
contestants compete with each other to replace Carryon Simon as the
Post-Cummings Cabinet Mastermind
The rules are simple:
Spin, obfuscation, distortion, deceit or blocking are all ruled in
but sincere, guileless, candid answers are all ruled out.
Let's meet our first
contestant. Your name please.
MH: Matt Hanco
HF: Your
occupation?
MH: Chief
Sucker-in-Cabinet and NHS Chumpion
HF: Your chosen
specialist subject?
MH: Covid Stats;
HF: So Mr Hanjob
2 minutes on Covid Stats. Let’s crunch those numbers, starting now.
HF: How much has the
hand-out to Dildo Hardon for Track and Trace cost the tax payer so
far?
MH:
Aww...ah..(whistles
through teeth) a few billion?
HF: I'm going to
press you for an exact figure...
MH:
Aww...ah..(whistles
through teeth)
HF: The answer
is in fact: £22 billion with a further £13
billion to be added by Dishi Rishi, which brings it up to £35
billion. Incidentally that will mean Dildo's budget is bigger
than that of the Department of Transport. Shappy's not happy about
that – he prides himself on always being in a 'mine is bigger than
yours' situation!
HF: If Luxemburg
is 1; Netherlands is 3; Ireland 4; Belgium 5
then what is UK?
MH: The UK is
always number 1 for me, Humpy (Fingers
his new NHS on a union flag background badge)
HF: Wrong. The
right answer is 16. The question is, of course, about nurses pay - Luxemburg pays its nurses the most followed by USA. UK
is down at 16, I'm afraid - in danger of relegation from the
'fair-pay-for-nurses' league. Nurses net loss of income since 2010 is estimated to be £800
HF: How many
Covid-related contracts were awarded without competition by the
Chumocracy ...I'll accept to the nearest 10
MH:
Aww...ah..(whistles
through teeth) Could
you repeat the question?
HF: No sorry. I
have taken the dog whistle as your answer. The number of contricks
awarded is 115 worth a total of £1.1 billion
HF: Which of the
following is the odd one out; Ayanda Capital, Randox, Hospital
Services Ltd, Edenred?
MH: Hospital
Services - The only contract worth less than £100 million
HF: Whilst that
is true the correct answer is Edenred, which was handed
£234 million to provide starvation rations for
children receiving free school meals. The others received their
hand-outs for so-called 'clinical related' services.
HF: Who purports
to be 'The Pub Landlord'
MH: That's easy:
the amusing Al Murray
HF: Well no! It
is in fact the not so amusing Alex Bourne, your Old
Mukker from the Cock Inn, Thurlow, who received £30m
to supply Covid test tubes
HF: If Taiwan
is 7; New Zealand 25; Singapore 29; Norway 550,
and Finland 655. What is UK?
MH: Well, I'm
proud to say we, in the UK win this one hands-face-space
down (chortles at his own witticism).125,000
HF: Correct. UK
has just reached 125,000 covid related deaths
HF: What
percentage of applicants for self-isolation payments (a
key element in stopping people going back to work unnecessarily)
have been successful
MH:
Aww...ah..(whistles
through teeth)
HF: Aw, ah is
not the right answer, I'm afraid. It is in fact 35% or
put another way: 74,400 of a total of 212,000 claimants
HF:
How many Covid-related deaths amongst Health and Care workers have
there been up until January 2021?
MH: looking
down at something he appears to have written on his hand.
Now let me be absolutely clear every one of those dead people is a
hero, or more accurately was a hero. (blubs
uncontrollably) My heart goes out to all of them,
except perhaps those who were over-weight because of poor diet. And
those who had other conditions, in which case they should not be in
the statistics at all.
HF: Yes, all
very well, but would you care to put a number on it?
MH:
Aww...ah..(whistles
through teeth). Pass.
HF: How many nurses are
currently considering leaving the NHS ... (peep,
peep signals time is up) I've started; let's hope
you're finished . Your time is up.
MH:
Aww...ah..(whistles
through teeth). Pass.
HF: Well Mr
Cock-up at the end of that round you have scored 1 point. You passed
on 2 questions:
The number of
Covid-related deaths amongst Care and Health workers is in fact: 883
How many nurses are looking to leave the profession. The answer is 36%. The House of Commons Public Accounts Committee's Report quotes a
survey from the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) suggesting that 36%
of respondents were considering leaving in the next year,
with two-thirds
attributing this to low pay and almost half claiming it was due to
their treatment during the pandemic.
Thank you, Mr. DoorMatt
for not answering any of the questions.. We will look forward to
seeing you in the general lack-of-knowledge round.
Next
Contestant...your name please...
