NITPIX presents a special edition of Clown's Court
sponsored by Old Bailey's Irish Liqueurs
Part 3 – GIRLY SWOT goes a-swatting (2)
The cast
Her Honour Judge Dee Redd
Mr. Corrt-Clerk – Court Clerk
Mr Fear-Stammer – Prosecution Counsel
Ms. Suella Braverperson – General Attorney & Counsel for the Defence
Mr Fausto Komme-Ings – Court usher
Boorish Jonnsson - Defendant
Mr. Dom 'Smash' Gee-Rabb - Boorish's Wingman
Ms. Laurie Kingsburger (a member of the press)
Mac (The Knife) Gofer - Boorish's Nemesis
Mrs. Overall – Judge's Factotum
Door opens onto Judge's Retiring Room. Judge Dee looks up from her papers
Judge Dee: Come in Mrs O. Just looking over the reports on Boorish J.
Mrs O:
A nice cup of tea and one of my macaroons, your Ladyship? Such a cheeky chappie that Boorish, don't you just loov' im?
JD:
Err, yes, if pumped up lying toads are your bag, Mrs O. We Girlie Swots at Ballyhole used to call him BLUE Boorish – Biggest Liar Unsavoury Egotist – not one to share a taxi with when returning home after a supper in the Refectory. Put the tea down there, dear. I must press on. I've just read the Boorish PSR.
These Probation Jonnies (and Jeans) always try to say something nice about defendants but they seem to have struggled to say anything positive about the Breathless Boner.
Now let's see what the 'Shrink' has to say...
First of all I must remind myself of the difference between SOCIOPATH and PSYCHOPATH. Now where's that handy acronym? Rifles through her papers
Ah! here it is... DIB, DIB, DIB, DOB, DOB, DOB (The Wolf Cub's guide to Sociopathy and Psychopathy)!
SOCIOPATHIC - TRAITS
Driven quest for power
Irresponsibility
Behaviours that seek love and admiration
Deceitfulness
Impulsiveness
Bottomlessly Self-serving
PSYCHOPATHIC - TRAITS
Deeply callous and lacking empathy
Obsessive, pathological lying
Bloated, grandiose sense of self
Director and only actor in his own show
Obfuscating, conning and manipulative
Brazen sexual promiscuity
D.D.:
Well! Well! As Theresa (the Wild One) of Maidenhead once said in Parliament “ Remind you of anyone?”
The Psycho Report
Re- Mr Boorish Kerfuffle Jonnsson
Flat B
11 Drowning Street
London SW1
I have had a chance to examine Mr Boorish Kerfuffle Jonnsson on two occasions and this is the basis of my report.
I am a qualified Medical Practitioner and Professor of Psychiatry at the Toe/Knee/Hand/Cock Clinic East Cheam Psychiatric Hospital, Railways Cuttings, London SE25.
Mr Jonnsson presented as a man of indeterminate age with an affected 'baby face' look and dishevelled hair which, in a moment of candour, he said he deliberately cultivated to appear endearing and vulnerable. In other respects he struck me as the very opposite of that, a character beneath the persona of a tough and calculating opportunist. This 'puer aeternus' or 'eternal boy' he said had served him well down the years in ensuring attention from his mother as the first born child (of four) during the time the family moved between the USA, Oxford and the USA again.
He tells me the family settled finally in he West Country but that his father Stanley 'the Knife' Jonnsson was frequently away so his care was left to his mother assisted by a series of au pairs. He had some hearing impairment as a child but reports to have been intellectually bright. Checking out biographies of him, notably Gilly Edward and Jonathan Easy's 2008 book "Boorish v Ken: How Boorish Won London" he is described as having ambitions of being "world king".
Reports from his schooling at Eaton Collegiate suggest a bright but indolent scholar with more aspirations than applications. He got into Ballyhole College where he was thought of as cultivating an "eccentric English persona". This like his 'eternal boy' was another facade to cover the underlying insecurities in his background. His mother suffered from clinical depression probably aggravated by the 'waywardness' of her husband Stanley-the-Knife. The couple separated and divorced in 1980.
My patient tells me this had minimal effect on his sense of sense of himself and that he always prided himself on a "tough, shining and resilient ego". However, looking into his background a little further Mr Jonnsson seems to have repeated the exact pattern of his father in his waywardness of his relationships; he seems unsure exactly how many children he has as well and is in little contact with most of them.
His grandfather on his father's side was Turkish and absent from the family for much of his father's upbringing though here the family origins are somewhat obscure. It seems the anglicised name came from an aunt who brought the children up.
Assessment
I found Mr Jonnsson charming and jokey but in a superficial way. He said he enjoyed his ability to argue a situation from very opposite directions a skill he applied as a debater at school and university. However, he never gave me any sense of what his authentic and genuine perspective was and seems to be guided by calculated opportunism and disloyalty to any but a few key persons. There is a definite touch of what is commonly known as the "Jekyll and Hyde" syndrome. He is a man without a moral compass or core of integrity. This is more commonly described as a 'narcissistic personality disorder'.
This man is an irredeemable user and abuser. I do not believe any option the court has at its power will bring about change. He is reckless and dangerous. I gather the incarceration facility that held Napoleon for several years, St Helena in the South Atlantic, is available. However it has a population of over 4000 who may be susceptible to Mr Jonnsson's manipulations. Tristan de Cunha might be a better possibility. However I gather our esteemed Home Secretary is also looking at this site to house 20000 migrants so this may disqualify.
Mr Jonnsson is already an island, so might best be cast adrift in the Atlantic Ocean to drift wheresoever his fate takes him.
Your faithfully,
Dr RJ Hackenbush (BA, D Phil, Phd) (Marx University California)
JD: Well it looks like Doc Hack'n'bash has caught His Boorishness bang to rights. You can fool some of the people some of the time with your 'I'm just an ageing but amusing Bullingdon Boy' schtick but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. I fear, Boorish, your Dorian Gray moment is at hand...
Don't forget to tune in to next week's episode of CLOWN COURT, Can Sweller (I'll-say-anything-you-like-providing-the-price-is-right) Braverperson pull off the impossible and mitigate successfully on Boorish's behalf OR will the clang of the prison gates be ringing in Boorish's ears ?
