CLEMANTICS is BACK
Attempts by MAD NAD aka THE HUMAN HANDGRENADE to silence us have failed miserably!
(Any truth to the rumour she will be starring in 'I'M AN INCOMPETENT GET ME OUT OF HERE' this Autumn? - ed.)
Nadeem
d'Orrifice finds that just like her 'pash' Jig-Jig Johnson she cannot
walk on water after all
Now read on...
The CLEMANTICS editors are indebted to a number of our readers (Notably, Donald of Troon and Donald of Mine's-a-Lager, USA) for alerting us to the absence of coverage in the media of the views of Over 65, male Golfers. Clemantics has taken immediate action to bring this neglected minority's wisdom into the public domain.
To that end we have commissioned Al Wright-Jack, Senior Pro at the Ancient and Modern (surely Royal & Ancient – ed.) to pen a weekly column 'Voice from the Clubhouse' for our organ. Al will take on the week's big issues without fear or favour.
In Al's own words 'I will think the unthinkable, say the unsayable and speak bollocks to power.'
Here is a taste of what to expect. We hope you like it. Over to you Al...
A Few Home Counties Truths – Aren't you just fed up to the back teeth with those 19th hole Philosophers – I call 'em Nose Pickers and Navel Gazers – who keep crowing on about ''Post Truth Society” and that sort of stuff when I say, 'who hasn't told a few porkies now and then' – I know I have.
So if it's truth you want, here's a few facts about Golfers' World:
Fact 1 – The Huff and Puff Post has been scaremongering again, saying that Golf Courses are swallowing up land that could be used for houses. So here are the facts: English golf courses occupy a mere 270,000 hectares (sorry, about the EU measure -739,800 acres to you and me) or only 2% of the total land mass!!
(compared to 1.1% occupied by homes? ed.)
Fact 2 – The so-called Eco-warriors are gunning for the 'Men with Clubs and Irons 'saying that Golf courses are profligate with the nation's water. Balderdash, if I might say so: Your average 18 holer (say 150acres) uses as little as 200 million gallons of water a year : Big number but a drop in the ocean in reality!
(enough to supply 1,800 residences with 300 gallons-per-day of water – ed.)
Fact 3 – A handful of Groundsmen (Grouchmen, I call 'em) and Greenkeepers have been bellyaching over pay and conditions. Fact is 321st out of 369 for highest average pay isn't bad for sitting on a mower and raking a few sandpits. All right they work long hours (9th out of 369 for longest hours worked) but they're out enjoying nature without the boss looking over their shoulder – happy days!
(Put another way, a career as a Golf Groundsman offers a life of long hours and poor remuneration – ed.)
Well now I've got that off my chest, let's take a look at what else has caught my eye in the news.
Tory Leadership-
Jeez, the contest has been as dreary as it has been interminable. It's been like watching that dreadful film 'They shoot horses, don't they' where couples dance around each other for days on end until they give up the ghost or drop dead – Last one standing gets the prize.
Al's view of the candidates
Sunak
wants to raise taxes. He doesn't understand. He doesn't care – his missus has a shedload of money salted away in some Offshore account.
Doesn't even know where the best golf course is in his 'home' town, Richmond. 'I'm more of a Polo man, myself', says he.
Hew Bigotte, my Old Mucker, made the telling point to me over a glass of McFukkam malt in the club bar ' How many Brown Persons have won a Major? -Nichts, Zippo, None!!' Need I say more?
Al's Assessment: This man is more Royal Birk than Royal Birkdale!!
T.Russ
Super brainless. - while I generally like this in a woman, I'm not sure it's enough when you're in a 4 ball with Putin & Xi Jinping with only Manny Macron on your side.
Bigotte assures me Trussy knows how to handle a golf club ' has history as an exceptional Swinger' says he.
Unreliable. Overuse of the handbrake turn when the solids start to hit the fan.
Al's Assessment- Truss is better suited to a supporting role!!
Al advises : Spoil your ballot paper by entering the following words “Give me back my Johnson'. Show me the man who doesn't prefer 'Johnson in; to Johnson-out'!!!
Drought
Drought? What drought? All is tickety-boo down at the R&A.
“Never seen the grass look greener.
Never seen the sky look bluer
Lots 'n' Lots of sun for everyone
Coming down the home fairway!”
It's all been dreamt up by the Climate Change Wacos. Project Fear is back. Mind you, back in the Spring, I did find that a Monster Jobbie had come up out of the drain near the 18th and lodged in the hole – virtually impossible to putt out.
Immigration
Had that lunatic Farrago down here last week; dropped by after completing a stint down at Dover on Migration Watch (and I don't think he was looking for swallows returning South – unless, of course they're bound for Rwanda!). He started pulling pints behind the Club Bar, which went down like a Dew Sweeper on a Dog-track with the fraternity.
I soon sent him away with a flea in his ear.
'Before you stuck your oar in' says I, 'we could always drop off at Walmer; pick up a Somali caddy fresh off the boats; tip them a fiver, treat 'em to a snifter in the bar, send 'em off to a landlady in Deal (no questions asked). What's not to like? Now you can't get a cheap caddy for love nor money.
'Same with fruit pickers; fruit and veg rotting in the fields' says I.
He comes back with 'The people of Britain have spoken; I'm on your side'
'What side's that?' I enquire...I'll let you, the reader, decide.
Well that's it for this week's offering. Not half bad, if I say so myself. See you all next week by which time I'm guessing we will all be 'Ttrussed up like a Kipper.
So chaps (and chapesses) as you wend your way homeward remember, as Dean Martin said,
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
