Celebrity
Bridge of Porky Pies (with thanks to Ross Kemp
and Bridge of Spies)
A Johnson's
Johnson production
...And
here's our host: Turnip Taliban Survivor, Cheese Champion, the One
and Only Cheddar Georgeous herself, Chair of the Fu-Q
research group, Libby.
T. Trusst
L.T:
Well
hello! Missed me? I know you have. I want to give a big shout out
for Mr. Phil.
T. Lucre,
Manager of the Heads
I win Tales You Lose
Hedge Fund, for his unwavering support during my time away. Boy, have
I been busy!! I've just completed a 4,000 word essay for my Economics
Foundation course at the Open
University (copies available at the stage door). But
enough of me, let's get on with the show.
You
all know the rules (which
are there to be broken, in any case! What am I like?).
Teams of Desperate
Tories
have to cross the Blue
Bridge
to reach the Nirvana
of a safe seat in the next election. Each contestant answers
questions on a chosen subject.They can only get across the bridge by
following the Path
of Lies.
i.e. by choosing an option,which is a lie. If they select 2 options,
which are true or they take too long in answering they will be swept
off the bridge by the Red
Wave.
As
my dear friend Terry
of Maidenhead
once said 'Simples!'
So let's meet the 2
teams:
On
my Right-
Would you believe it? A blast from the past; proof (if proof were
needed) that Zombies and Ghosts still roam the Westminster
Tea Rooms:
Team
Unpalatable Truths:
Hi
I'm Davy Gauke of the 'Gaukward-Squad'
Hi,
you all know me I'm Hezza aka Tarzan of Greylocks aka The
Lion King
Hi,
it's me just plain speaking Dom 'Lawminic' Grieve
On my Far
Right – The current holders of the Burger King
'Whopper' trophy are:
Team Porkies
'R' Us
Dom Rabb –
Hello, I'm Ray Bidd-Bulley, aka
Billy-No-Mates; aka Dim Dom; ak in Europe as The
Turnip
Lee Kee-Sou –
Hello, I'm Sue-Ellen
Blatherperson aka Lee Kee-Sue
Jaco
Greese-Bogg –
Greetings and felicitations from Wizard Jaco
aka The Honourable Member for the 18th Century
S
LT: G
LT: So
let's get started. Team Unpalatable Truths,
you are up ... no that's a lie! (Just Dizzy Miss Lizzie, being
playful – what am I like?!!)
It's Team Porkies
on the Bridge first. And your subject is
IMMIGRATION
LT: So
who do you nominate to make the crossing?
All: It
has to be Lee Kee-Sue
LT: Great
Choice if I might say so. Your parents were immigrants, were they
not? It's good to see second generation immigrants helping to pull up
the draw-bridge! Oh! There I go again blathering on (what
am I like?) Anyway here are
your 3 questions only
one of which is a lie.
Choose the lie and
you're on your way; choose the truth and
you are on the way to being swept away.
The net fiscal
contribution of immigrants was +£2.5 billion in 1999-2000.
TRUTHorLIE (True)
In June
2022 around 220,000 out of 1.4 million staff report a non-British
nationality. This
amounts to one in six of NHS staff with a known nationality.
TRUTHorLIE (True)
Germany accounts
for the most new asylum applications in 24 European Countries taking
30%+ applicants. UK takes its fair share at 10%
TRUTHorLIE (Lie-
UK IN FACT takes 3% and is 17th of 24 European Countries)
Blatherperson:
We all know, and let
me be clear about this, the vast majority of those seeking to enter
the UK are Freeloaders and Chancers,who are a burden on our already
stretched Services, or they are unskilled workers seeking to undercut
our gallant subsistence wage workforce or, like myself, they are
completely bonkers...
LT:
Oh!
I know Lee-Kee.
As I said on Day
1 of my 49 day reign."I
have three priorities: growth,
growth and growth (catchy,eh!)
and a high wage economy." Let the crops rot; let the Hotels
close; Out with the Chefs and Kitchen staff; In with the microwave.”
But I must press you; you must say which statement is a LIE
to progress.
Lee-Kee:
Well
how should I know? They all sound like falsehoods peddled by Lefty
Lawyers, Left-wing press and ex-Newsnight Blog Presenters. The only
truth
is Germany's 30% - Merkel was a complete immigration mug. So I'm
going for Immigrants making a tax contribution – as well as
swarming over here; they're a drag on our economy that's for sure...
LT:
Oh!
Lee-Kee,
what are you like? You've chosen a true statement. Immigrants have,
year on year, made a significant economic and fiscal contribution. 2
more true answers and you will be swept away by the Red
Wave
so let's get lying!
So far the
'Remove to Rwanda Project has cost £140million and no-one has been
removed
TRUTHorLIE?
(truth)
There are
currently 143,000 Asylum claims awaiting an initial decision
TRUTHorLIE?
(truth)
The cost of
housing Asylum Seekers in Hotels is £63milion per day
TRUTHorLIE?
(truth)
People crossing
the Channel in small boats are Illegal Asylum-Seekers
TRUTHorLIE? (lie)
Sue-Kee
Blatherperson:
Before I answer the
questions, I would like to put to bed a myth which is constantly
pedalled by Left Wing Lawyers and Wokerati that Rwanda is an
unsafe place. On the contrary, by judicious use of pervasive
surveillance, intimidation, torture, suppression of political
dissent, renditions and suspected assassinations of exiled
dissidents, the regime has maintained stability and economic growth.
In short, a country, which we have plenty to learn from.
As
Rish says '
Stop the Boats' 'Stop the Illegal Asylum Seekers' so
that one's got to be true.
The other 3:
Rwanda
Hotels
Asylum
Applications
(Sue-Kee
goes full rant) are
all just propaganda put out by Labour, Wokerati, who
won't protect the People of Britain. We
are on the side of the British people; they
are on the side of the criminals!
LT:
Super
rant Lee-Kee; I
should have had you in my Cabinet. Whoops I did! (what
am I like!?)
So which lie are you
plumping for?
Lee-Kee:
It has to be Rwanda-
it's dear to my heart.
LT:
Well
Big-hearted Blatherperson. I
regret to say (stifles a giggle)
It is a truth and the Red Wave is
coming...
Join
us after the break to see whether Lee Kee-Sue
can still make it across to a Safe Seat or will she need a Small Boat
to stop the Red Tide washing her away...?
DON'T GO AWAY!!
"
