Celebrity Bridge of Porky Pies (with thanks to Ross Kemp and Bridge of Spies) A Johnson's Johnson production

 

Celebrity Bridge of Porky Pies (with thanks to Ross Kemp and Bridge of Spies)

A Johnson's Johnson production

...And here's our host: Turnip Taliban Survivor, Cheese Champion, the One and Only Cheddar Georgeous herself, Chair of the Fu-Q research group, Libby. T. Trusst

L.T:

Well hello! Missed me? I know you have. I want to give a big shout out for Mr. Phil. T. Lucre, Manager of the Heads I win Tales You Lose Hedge Fund, for his unwavering support during my time away. Boy, have I been busy!! I've just completed a 4,000 word essay for my Economics Foundation course at the Open University (copies available at the stage door). But enough of me, let's get on with the show.

You all know the rules (which are there to be broken, in any case! What am I like?). Teams of Desperate Tories have to cross the Blue Bridge to reach the Nirvana of a safe seat in the next election. Each contestant answers questions on a chosen subject.They can only get across the bridge by following the Path of Lies. i.e. by choosing an option,which is a lie. If they select 2 options, which are true or they take too long in answering they will be swept off the bridge by the Red Wave.

As my dear friend Terry of Maidenhead once said 'Simples!'

So let's meet the 2 teams:

On my Right- Would you believe it? A blast from the past; proof (if proof were needed) that Zombies and Ghosts still roam the Westminster Tea Rooms:

Team Unpalatable Truths:

Hi I'm Davy Gauke of the 'Gaukward-Squad'

Hi, you all know me I'm Hezza aka Tarzan of Greylocks aka The Lion King

Hi, it's me just plain speaking Dom 'Lawminic' Grieve

On my Far Right – The current holders of the Burger King 'Whopper' trophy are:

Team Porkies 'R' Us

Dom Rabb – Hello, I'm Ray Bidd-Bulley, aka Billy-No-Mates; aka Dim Dom; ak in Europe as The Turnip 

 

Lee Kee-Sou – Hello, I'm Sue-Ellen Blatherperson aka Lee Kee-Sue

Jaco Greese-Bogg – Greetings and felicitations from Wizard Jaco aka The Honourable Member for the 18^th Century

  S

LT: G

LT: So let's get started. Team Unpalatable Truths, you are up ... no that's a lie! (Just Dizzy Miss Lizzie, being playful – what am I like?!!) It's Team Porkies on the Bridge first. And your subject is

IMMIGRATION

LT: So who do you nominate to make the crossing?

All: It has to be Lee Kee-Sue

LT: Great Choice if I might say so. Your parents were immigrants, were they not? It's good to see second generation immigrants helping to pull up the draw-bridge! Oh! There I go again blathering on (what am I like?) Anyway here are your 3 questions only one of which is a lie. Choose the lie and you're on your way; choose the truth and you are on the way to being swept away.

The net fiscal contribution of immigrants was +£2.5 billion in 1999-2000.

TRUTHorLIE (True)

In June 2022 around 220,000 out of 1.4 million staff report a non-British nationality. This amounts to one in six of NHS staff with a known nationality.

TRUTHorLIE (True)

Germany accounts for the most new asylum applications in 24 European Countries taking 30%+ applicants. UK takes its fair share at 10%

TRUTHorLIE (Lie- UK IN FACT takes 3% and is 17th of 24 European Countries)

Blatherperson:

We all know, and let me be clear about this, the vast majority of those seeking to enter the UK are Freeloaders and Chancers,who are a burden on our already stretched Services, or they are unskilled workers seeking to undercut our gallant subsistence wage workforce or, like myself, they are completely bonkers...

LT:

Oh! I know Lee-Kee. As I said on Day 1 of my 49 day reign."I have three priorities: growth, growth and growth (catchy,eh!) and a high wage economy." Let the crops rot; let the Hotels close; Out with the Chefs and Kitchen staff; In with the microwave.” But I must press you; you must say which statement is a LIE to progress.

 Lee-Kee:

Well how should I know? They all sound like falsehoods peddled by Lefty Lawyers, Left-wing press and ex-Newsnight Blog Presenters. The only truth is Germany's 30% - Merkel was a complete immigration mug. So I'm going for Immigrants making a tax contribution – as well as swarming over here; they're a drag on our economy that's for sure...

LT:

Oh! Lee-Kee, what are you like? You've chosen a true statement. Immigrants have, year on year, made a significant economic and fiscal contribution. 2 more true answers and you will be swept away by the Red Wave so let's get lying!

So far the 'Remove to Rwanda Project has cost £140million and no-one has been removed

TRUTHorLIE? (truth)

There are currently 143,000 Asylum claims awaiting an initial decision

TRUTHorLIE? (truth)

The cost of housing Asylum Seekers in Hotels is £63milion per day

TRUTHorLIE? (truth)

People crossing the Channel in small boats are Illegal Asylum-Seekers

TRUTHorLIE? (lie)

Sue-Kee Blatherperson:

Before I answer the questions, I would like to put to bed a myth which is constantly pedalled by Left Wing Lawyers and Wokerati that Rwanda is an unsafe place. On the contrary, by judicious use of pervasive surveillance, intimidation, torture, suppression of political dissent, renditions and suspected assassinations of exiled dissidents, the regime has maintained stability and economic growth. In short, a country, which we have plenty to learn from.

As Rish says ' Stop the Boats' 'Stop the Illegal Asylum Seekers' so that one's got to be true.

The other 3:

Rwanda

Hotels

Asylum Applications

(Sue-Kee goes full rant) are all just propaganda put out by Labour, Wokerati, who won't protect the People of Britain. We are on the side of the British people; they are on the side of the criminals!

LT:

Super rant Lee-Kee; I should have had you in my Cabinet. Whoops I did! (what am I like!?)

So which lie are you plumping for?

Lee-Kee:

It has to be Rwanda- it's dear to my heart.

LT:

Well Big-hearted Blatherperson. I regret to say (stifles a giggle) It is a truth and the Red Wave is coming...

Join us after the break to see whether Lee Kee-Sue can still make it across to a Safe Seat or will she need a Small Boat to stop the Red Tide washing her away...?

DON'T GO AWAY!!