Who wants to be a Rishiheir? With Jezza FarkUson
Jezza: A big Jezza welcome to RISHI-HEIR. The show where you don't have to be self-seeking and brainless but it helps. Indeed that's why I'm your host tonight.
First the boring part: the rules: Contestants must answer questions in order to secure votes for the Tory Leadership A correct answer allows the contestant to progress to a question worth more votes. A wrong answer means the contestants lose all the votes they have accumulated. If you think that was boring, wait 'till you meet our first contestant.
Ladies and Gentleman let's have a half-hearted welcome for the MP from what Norman Tebbit once, but only once, described as 'God's Own County', Essex:
Mr Jimmy Dimmly
(Jimmy stumbles his way to the Rishiheir chair with inane, rictus grin blowing kisses and winking at someone in the audience)
For the benefit of viewers at home, Jimmy's the man who called Stockton a 'Shithole'; (boos from Redwall Man in the audience); the man whose comments on Rwanda and getting his wife drunk in order to engage her in 'Ugandan Discussions' earned himself the sobriquet 'The Batshit Spiker'
Jimmy, tell us, are you here to pick up a few thousand votes or do you want to go all the way and pitch for the top prize: the full Tory membership of 130,000 votes ( audience murmurs ooh! Ahh!)
Dimmly: In it to winnit, innit, Jez!
Jezza: That's the spirit, Dimmers. An easy first question, to get you started. For 100 votes
Who said: “ The only person to look good in the back seat of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler”
Was it:
a) Jezza FarkUson or
b) Jeremy Diddlysquat FarkUson
c) Dick Hamster-Hammond
d) A Third Person on Top Gear
Dimmly: I'm a great fan of Top Rear (winks at Jezza), I'd have to go for Jezza FarkUson
Jezza: And you'd be right – 100 votes to tuck in your back pocket. How you feeling, Jimbo, or should I say Dimbo? Ready for the next question? I must warn you; all that HP 'I refer the Horrible Member to my previous answer' won't wash here, I'm afraid.
Dimmly: Fire away at me; most people do...
Jezza: So for 500votes...Which of these Tory cock-ups was the greatest economic disaster?
a) Norman Lamentable's Black Wednesday
b) Gideon 'the Submarine' Osborne's Austerity-on-steroids
c) Laughing Boy 'the laugh's on you' Lawson's Big Bang Budget
d) The Lettuce's Kami-Kwasi Budget 2023
Dimmly: I'll let you into a secret, Jez. I'm not great with numbers. I never made it past add and take away. Black Wednesday sounds a bit 'woke'. I like the sound of Big Bang. Austerity well, I'm not sure...
Jezza: You could use one of your life lines
Dimmly: Great idea. I'm going to call a friend. I'm going to call 30p Lee. We're still in touch even though he's gone over to the darkside.
(Jezza bells up Lee Neanderthal)
Jezza: Hello Lee, It's Jezza of Diddlysquat here.
30p Lee: I know who the fook you are. We do have TV up 'ere in t' Red Wall, ye know. I'm watching you 2 Silly Boogers right now on my wide-screen TV (yes we 'ave them up 'ere too) Just cut the crap and put Dimmly on.
Wot the fook do ye' think your doin', Jimmy,? People will start thinking I'm trying to get you over to Reform. I keep tellin' ye' mate; we've got enough Tossers over here already.
Don't say it. Keep tha' trap firmly shut. Now to business: Did you know that Austerity resulted in the cumulative wealth of the Top10 billionaires in the UK growing from £47.77 billion at the beginning of 2010 to £182 billion in 2022 - an increase of 281 percent!!!. Austerity was a fookin' master stroke.
No it's not Little Ozzie Osborne. the correct answer is d) The Lettuce -she was about as useful as fookin' cladding in a tower block. Now get off the line, I've 'ad Nigel in Marry Largo on hold (or at least that's where he says he is) … these calls from across the pond, don't come cheap...
Dimmly: I always trust 30p Lee My final answer, Mr Didleysquat is
d) the Lettuce's Kami-Kwasi budget
Jezza: You've just won 500votes. Dear Old Blightie is still counting the cost of the disastrous Lettuce budget. It's us, the little people, who have borne the brunt of her folly. I personally had to sell one of my Lambos
Now will you stick on 500 or go for 1000 votes. Ifyou get it wrong, Sunshine you go back to Brainlesstree with nothing.
Dimmly: I'm still innit to winnit, Mr 'Squat.
Jezza: Good man. Let's get you fired up and ready to go.
Which of these was the shortest serving Chancellor of the Exchequer?
a) Lord 'Randy' Churchill
b) 'Savage' Javid
c) Nadine Zimbabwe
d) Kami-Kwasi
Dimmly: You know, FarkUson, I could have been a contender, but unlike Zimbabwe I couldn't ride a horse – at least after the interview that's the reason they gave for not appointing me.
Anyway, it can't be Churchill because he was busy winning the war.
'Savage' was doing well until he fell out with the Rasputin of the North (no names; no pack drill) – so it could be him.
Nadine, Government shit shoveler, held so many offices he never really knew what job he was doing – so it might be him...
Kami-Kwasi thought he was running the Treasury from the day he was elected in 2016, even though he was just a backbencher....
I'm not sure....
Jezza : Why not ask the audience?. We have a very knowledgeable group in tonight: representatives of the Essex County Bowls Club; the Clacton WI, the Felixtowe FreeMasons;The Great Dumbo Pub Quiz Champions; The Romford Reform Party. They're sure to be able to help.
Voice From the Audience (it is Farrago): To be frank, 3 of them are Brown (I'm not being racist) and useless. Churchill is the only real patriot among them...
Jezza: Can one of the Bouncers please remove Mr Farrago from the studio. You may get away with racist slurs on Top Rear but not here, my Old Mucker.
Cries of 'Hands off Big Nige. You're all just Surrender Monkey Winkers; Bring back Bozzer...Rule Britannia' ring out as Producers cuts to adverts.
TO BE CONTINUED AFTER THE BREAK
