The Apprentshits
Botee Mc.Botox Lord Amstrad Lord A's amuensis
(Any likeness to real people is coincidental)
Part 1
Lord Amstrad of Shoogar's search for his Apprenshit continues. He and his 2 Sidekicks, Baroness Botox of Hammers-West and Timorous Tim have whittled the initial 12 Lickspittles down to 8.
Scene: The Boredroom in Moneybags Tower EC.1
Lord A: Right you shower. Before we get started I need to get this off me Bird's Nest (chest). Last week was the biggest load of Jackson Pollocks (bollocks) I've ever witnessed. Either you were taking the Mickey Bliss (piss) or you were 'avin a bubble bath (laugh)
The Lickspittles look blank as they don't understand a word Lord A is saying. Several Lickspittles try to enter the conversation.
Lord. A. You lot keep your Norths and Souths shut. It was a simple task – set up and open a cocktail lounge on my manor (Stamford Hill). Whose idea was it to call it Bar Mitzvah? No, don't answer that. It was offensive and tasteless as was your offer of a free Wailing Wallbanger to the first 10 punters. It was not only insulting; it tasted like dishwater...not so much taking the piss as tasting of piss. Worst of all when I was called upon at the grand opening to cut the tape, Annie Lennox 'Walking on Broken Glass' strikes up on the PA system.
I said to the producer lets put the lot of these jokers in the back of a black cab and cancel the show. But he reminded me that I only get paid a shedload of cash if I complete all 12 episodes.
So here you all are – a right bunch of Strawberry Tarts.
All: Yes, we are Lord Amstrad
Let's get down to business. Your task this week is to design and form a new Ultra-Right political party. It's so bloody easy my granddaughter could have done it before she was out of nappies.
(Botox aside 'You are a wag, Amstrad! See me after the show!!!)
So you just have to get out there and do it.. Here's your Baskin Sharks (tasks)
1)Decide on a name for the party
2)Write a mission statement
3)Choose a suitable song to sing at Annual Conference.
When you've completed that. You'll make a pitch to 100 randomly selected bigots, drawn from a cross-section of BNP, UK Patriotic Front, Patriotic Front UK, British Defence League and the Flag Group. I've hired the Bulldog Assembly Rooms in Clacton, specially. The team gaining the most votes will go forward to the next round. The Diddgerydoosers (Losers) will come back here and I'll decide, who will F. Off home in a Black Sherbert Dab. (cab)
All: Yes Lord Amstrad.
Lord A: So, it's the girls against the boys this time.
Badnocher, the Bad: Yes, Lord Sugardaddy; I mean Amstrad. But not quite. May I introduce...
Lord A: Trap shut BB.When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. C'mon TT. Introduce the bunch of Straw Boaters (No Hopers)
TT: Thanks Lord Amplifier. Here they are:
Looser Women plus 1
1) First up it's Sweller ' Still dreamin those Rwanda dreams' Braveperson
2)Second in line is Pritstick 'the Ruislip Ruffian', ready to stick one on you' Petal
3) Next it's 'The man who can blow any job' Bobby J de Jenerick
4) Last but by all means least it's 'the player you always want to lend to the other side' - Badknocker the Bad
Lord A. So Botox, who have you got for us?
BB: Thanks Lord Ampmeter. Taking us back to the future, roaring in from the 1930s, the new Crazy Gang now re-booted as the...
'Outliars', the Poster Boys for a Post-Truth World
First up it's 'I never saw a seaside town that didn't look better looking back' Nige 'Wells' Farrago
2]Second in line it's 'You fookin' lookin'; at me, Sunshine?' Lee Neanderthal
3)Next it's ' self-styled victim of the King's Lynn Turnip Taliban The Trussmeister-Lettis
4)Last but by all means least 'Always present but usually forgotten, the man, who is so cool he is probably dead, Dicky. T. Ice-Mann
Lord Amazing: What a barrel of monkeys (without the laughs). Ok.Now piss off and come back and tell me who your Project Leader is gonna be. TT you go with the Loosers. Lady Botox you go with the Outliars.
Part 2 - Who will be Project Leader
DO NOT MISS
