The IgNobel Prizes 2025
hosted tonight by The Donald
The Donald:
Welcome to the first IgNobel Prizes awards. I must congratulate myself on replacing the out-dated Nobel thing with my own bigly better, beautiful awards brought to you, courtesy of my Genius technicians (technicians with probably the best brains anywhere in the world). Norway – who knows where it is? Ok if you want to sunbathe at Midnight or eat frozen pizza. Not much else there. You could fit the whole population into the 'Burbs of Miami. Alfie No-bell, rings no bells with me. Some loser; so he got lucky when he discovered dynamite. But could he cut a deal, like The Donald? I think we all know the answer to that!! Well Old Alfie Nobell has been drinking at the last chance saloon for some time; now he has crossed my deeply red line by giving his Peace Prize (worth a measly Million dollars)to some Sad Evil Woman.
So, I've decided to move the whole show States-side. Here we are in the greatest State in the Union, Florida. Not only in Florida but in the best house with the greatest golfcourse. Yes, we're in Mar el Largo. And wotta show we have for you tonight.
We have awards in the following categories (agreed by me and the late great Charlie Krick shortly before he failed to dodge a bullet) -Unlike the master of invincibility who stands before you
Best Execution of an Opponent
Best Death by Poison
Best Breach of Human Right and triple Ds
Modern Genocide
Most Dangerous Man for World Peace
Most Talented Newcomer
The Robespierre Prize for Best Execution of an Opponent
The Nominations are:
Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman for death of Jamal Khashoggi
Vlad Putin for Yevgeny Prighozhin (of Wagner fame) Plane crash
Kim Jon Ung for the 'nerve gas' murder of Kim Jong Nam
Joe Stalin for death of Leon Trotsky (posthumous)
WINNER: VLAD PUTIN
The Rasputin prize for most Elegant Poisoner
The Nominations are:
Polonium-210 for the slow despatch of Alexander Litvinenko
The Salisbury 2 for Novichok/Skripal
Jim Jones for the Jonestown killing of 900+
Alexei Navalny's, dissident, death in Russian prison in February 2024
WINNER: JIM JONES
Best Breach of Human Rights and Triple D
The Donald : We have had to close this category. It was so, so popular. Just too, too many marvellous nominations. We had friends from all over the world, including wannabe Tyrants and Dictators. Here's just a few, some of whom didn't make it to the shortlist:
China
Russia
Afghanistan
Iran
North Korea
Bangladesh
Belarus
Philippines
We didn't even make onto the 'long list'. But rest assured I, the Donald, am working day and a little bit of the night to do something about advancing our case.
Now, I know you've all been wondering what Triple D is. This is one of my greatest ideas, some people have told me it's probably the greatest idea ever by a President of the United States. I have great pleasure in announcing, here on Fockd News, the inauguration of The Donald's Hall of Fame, DDD, Donald's Dirtiest Dictators:
Vlad's in
RocketMan's there of course
Pinochet representing South America (posthumous award)
Saddam, sadly, posthummus too
Gadaffi, despite living in a tent most of his life – so uncool; so uncool
Xi Ping Pong, and the other members of the table tennis team
On that B42 Bombshell (channeling that all time Great Henri von Kissinger (the only German who's not a loser))...
Let's take a break, I must go to the John – mine's solid gold... the John that is. When we come back we'll be visiting our last 3 categories of awards
1.Modern Genocide
2. Most Dangerous Man for World Peace
3.Most Talented Newcomer
I know you can't wait...Back in a couple of shakes...
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