If You Have Tears, Shed Them Now”

 

“If You Have Tears, Shed Them Now”

While the world struggles to come to terms with the 2^nd Coming of The Dong, sorry, The Don, somewhere in a Parallel Universe peopled by The Sad, The Mad and The Irrelevant,

the 'CON'-SERVATIVE PARTY is engaged in a playground game of Queenie, Queenie (has any one got balls?), channeling its Inner Ouslem as it disappears up its own orifice in an effort to answer the unanswerable existential question

'What fcucking use are we?'

The Party's Long March into oblivion is memorialized by its own Chronicler–Chris 'Fuck-up' Philp in his self-acclaimed

DIARY OF A NOBODY'S NOBODY

November 3^rd

Dear Diary,

I have been quiet for a while now, not because it has been 'All Quiet On The Westminster Front' ; quite the contrary bombs have been going off all over the place; so there's been no time for writing (but plenty for Far-righting – Ha! Ha!)

The Govester informed me, when we were in 'The Men's' after a session (of Parliament, of course!!) just before the election that Opposition would be no fun but I shouldn't worry because no one, even in Croydon, would vote for someone who didn't know the difference between Rwanda and The Conga (of course one is a Villanous Dictatorship and the other is a dance we do at Party Conference). Well I had the last laugh on that one as the Good Burghers of Croydon sent yours truly back to where he belongs (to Westminster, that is not the Gent's toilets) while The Surrey Heathites gave old Govester the order of the boot!!

Any-old-hoo, the whole Summer has been a blast and a continuous joy-ride for CP largely because of the Leadership contest. I was pretty close to throwing my hat into the ring myself, but I have to thank my old friend Nadine Zimbabwe (Where is he now? I hear you ask)for his wise counsel advizing me to keep my powder dry; let someone else clear out the stable and then appear like a deus ex machina (still not entirely sure what that is) when the then incumbent falls foul of the 1922s.

'Bet on one of the fillies' Nadine urged me.

So, I staked all my money on Her Haughtiness Kemi-Kazi. And so here we are today, awaiting a call from The Carsey after she wiped the floor with 'Honest Bob' JennerPrick.

Later

Lizzie P. hurries in with my mid-morning plate of Hobnobs in one hand and the phone in the other.

“Some screwball on the blower for you; Phyliss, darling.” she says

“ Wagwan, The Gaffer, my Main Man...” (The voice sounds familiar)

“Who is this? And what's with this Gaffer stuff” I enquire preparing to cut the call

“Lovin' your repartee, Bro. Vibes is banging...You's the Gaffer 'cos of all those gaffes, man; the place just rocks when we see yous on the tube! Don't you recognise me Babes?... It's the Kazi-Kid lookin' to sign yo up to Team Badass.”

Oh, it's you, PM 2029” I say catching on “ But what's with the street talk Kemi?”

“It's my 'genius' new policy. We're gonna capture the Under 25 vote by teaching all the 'Shads' (shadow cabinet ) to talk gangster. So far they're all signed up except for Tom 'tricorn' Trilby-Hat and 'Everso-slightly-Biggish Beast' Hunt, who think it's beneath them; and, as you know, Jimmy Dimley is sulking or sharpening his knife in the Essex wilderness... which brings me to the point of this call.

JenPrick thinks he is a shoo-in for Home Secretary (seems not to realise we're no longer in government).

'Pornbarongate and Covid travel to see the Mater and Pater will not prevent me from assuming one of the Great Offices of State' he whines but I told him straight ' there will be no place for you at the Kemster's top table.

“ So who have you gone for?” I enquire, not daring to hope.

“Why you, of course; you really are a Dumb Ass.”(a quality, which has served many a senior Tory well)

“Oh, Kemi....I'm unworthy...”

“Of course you are, but the Tory-Talent-Gene-Pool at the moment is a little on the shallow-side. Put it this way, you were choice 100 out of 121 but the other 99 were even more clueless and gaffe-prone than you.”

“I take that as a vote of confidence then​​? “ I say humoring her little joke.

“Well you better start doing your Home-work (Imissed the double-entende at the time but now I can't stop chortling at The Kasey's wit). You'll be up against Princess Yvette-of-Smugsville and she's bound to bring up the £700 million Rwanda fuck-up. So what are you going say to that, Pilf?

No hesitation, I shoot from the hip:

“It's chicken feed compared to how much we poured into our chums pockets during Covid. That will wrong foot 'em, I think. Although on reflection best not to mention chickens when we're about to be swamped with, chicken-shit; I mean shit chickens from USA courtesy of the Special Relationship.”

I knew The Kasey would like this response but I'm still pondering what her last words to me, before she rang off, meant (sic)

“Allow it, Gaffer that answer is well annoying. I've got a banging idea, innit: this coversation ain't happening. I'll get another Bro' to do the job, innit.”

Anyway as Saucy Lizzie always says “Rise and Rise again” Watch this space!!

^{'Hopelessly in love; Hopeless in love?'}

Who wants to be a Rishiheir?

 

Who wants to be a Rishiheir? With Jezza FarkUson

 

 Jezza: A big Jezza welcome to RISHI-HEIR. The show where you don't have to be self-seeking and brainless but it helps. Indeed that's why I'm your host tonight.

First the boring part: the rules: Contestants must answer questions in order to secure votes for the Tory Leadership A correct answer allows the contestant to progress to a question worth more votes. A wrong answer means the contestants lose all the votes they have accumulated. If you think that was boring, wait 'till you meet our first contestant.

Ladies and Gentleman let's have a half-hearted welcome for the MP from what Norman Tebbit once, but only once, described as 'God's Own County', Essex:  

Mr Jimmy Dimmly

(Jimmy stumbles his way to the Rishiheir chair with inane, rictus grin blowing kisses and winking at someone in the audience)

For the benefit of viewers at home, Jimmy's the man who called Stockton a 'Shithole'; (boos from Redwall Man in the audience); the man whose comments on Rwanda and getting his wife drunk in order to engage her in 'Ugandan Discussions' earned himself the sobriquet 'The Batshit Spiker'

Jimmy, tell us, are you here to pick up a few thousand votes or do you want to go all the way and pitch for the top prize: the full Tory membership of 130,000 votes ( audience murmurs ooh! Ahh!)

Dimmly: In it to winnit, innit, Jez!

Jezza: That's the spirit, Dimmers. An easy first question, to get you started. For 100 votes

Who said: “ The only person to look good in the back seat of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler”

Was it:

a) Jezza FarkUson or

b) Jeremy Diddlysquat FarkUson

c) Dick Hamster-Hammond

d) A Third Person on Top Gear

Dimmly: I'm a great fan of Top Rear (winks at Jezza), I'd have to go for Jezza FarkUson

Jezza: And you'd be right – 100 votes to tuck in your back pocket. How you feeling, Jimbo, or should I say Dimbo? Ready for the next question? I must warn you; all that HP 'I refer the Horrible Member to my previous answer' won't wash here, I'm afraid.

Dimmly: Fire away at me; most people do...

Jezza: So for 500votes...Which of these Tory cock-ups was the greatest economic disaster?

a) Norman Lamentable's Black Wednesday

b) Gideon 'the Submarine' Osborne's Austerity-on-steroids

c) Laughing Boy 'the laugh's on you' Lawson's Big Bang Budget

d) The Lettuce's Kami-Kwasi Budget 2023

Dimmly: I'll let you into a secret, Jez. I'm not great with numbers. I never made it past add and take away. Black Wednesday sounds a bit 'woke'. I like the sound of Big Bang. Austerity well, I'm not sure...

Jezza: You could use one of your life lines

Dimmly: Great idea. I'm going to call a friend. I'm going to call 30p Lee. We're still in touch even though he's gone over to the darkside.

(Jezza bells up Lee Neanderthal)

Jezza: Hello Lee, It's Jezza of Diddlysquat here.

30p Lee: I know who the fook you are. We do have TV up 'ere in t' Red Wall, ye know. I'm watching you 2 Silly Boogers right now on my wide-screen TV (yes we 'ave them up 'ere too) Just cut the crap and put Dimmly on.

Wot the fook do ye' think your doin', Jimmy,? People will start thinking I'm trying to get you over to Reform. I keep tellin' ye' mate; we've got enough Tossers over here already.

Don't say it. Keep tha' trap firmly shut. Now to business: Did you know that Austerity resulted in the cumulative wealth of the Top10 billionaires in the UK growing from £47.77 billion at the beginning of 2010 to £182 billion in 2022 - an increase of 281 percent!!!. Austerity was a fookin' master stroke.

No it's not Little Ozzie Osborne. the correct answer is d) The Lettuce -she was about as useful as fookin' cladding in a tower block. Now get off the line, I've 'ad Nigel in Marry Largo on hold (or at least that's where he says he is) … these calls from across the pond, don't come cheap...

Dimmly: I always trust 30p Lee My final answer, Mr Didleysquat is

d) the Lettuce's Kami-Kwasi budget

Jezza: You've just won 500votes. Dear Old Blightie is still counting the cost of the disastrous Lettuce budget. It's us, the little people, who have borne the brunt of her folly. I personally had to sell one of my Lambos

Now will you stick on 500 or go for 1000 votes. Ifyou get it wrong, Sunshine you go back to Brainlesstree with nothing.

Dimmly: I'm still innit to winnit, Mr 'Squat.

Jezza: Good man. Let's get you fired up and ready to go.

Which of these was the shortest serving Chancellor of the Exchequer?

a) Lord 'Randy' Churchill

b) 'Savage' Javid

c) Nadine Zimbabwe

d) Kami-Kwasi

Dimmly: You know, FarkUson, I could have been a contender, but unlike Zimbabwe I couldn't ride a horse – at least after the interview that's the reason they gave for not appointing me.

Anyway, it can't be Churchill because he was busy winning the war.

'Savage' was doing well until he fell out with the Rasputin of the North (no names; no pack drill) – so it could be him.

Nadine, Government shit shoveler, held so many offices he never really knew what job he was doing – so it might be him...

Kami-Kwasi thought he was running the Treasury from the day he was elected in 2016, even though he was just a backbencher....

I'm not sure....

Jezza : Why not ask the audience?. We have a very knowledgeable group in tonight: representatives of the Essex County Bowls Club; the Clacton WI, the Felixtowe FreeMasons;The Great Dumbo Pub Quiz Champions; The Romford Reform Party. They're sure to be able to help.

Voice From the Audience (it is Farrago): To be frank, 3 of them are Brown (I'm not being racist) and useless. Churchill is the only real patriot among them...

Jezza: Can one of the Bouncers please remove Mr Farrago from the studio. You may get away with racist slurs on Top Rear but not here, my Old Mucker.

Cries of 'Hands off Big Nige. You're all just Surrender Monkey Winkers; Bring back Bozzer...Rule Britannia' ring out as Producers cuts to adverts.

TO BE CONTINUED AFTER THE BREAK

The Charge of the Not-so-Bright Brigade

The Charge of the Not-so-Bright Brigade – by Alfie (Here's a) Tenner-Son

 

Half a truth; half a lie

Obfuscate onward

Towards their electoral death

Rode Rishi's Bunglers

'Forward The Shite brigade;

Charge the Red Wall' he said

Into the dread hustings

Rode the Humunglers

Forward the Right Brigade;

Was Private Cleverless dismayed?

No; though the Half-wit knew

The Wykehamist had bungled

Not able to reason why,

His just to curse and lie

Into the Valley called 'Electoral Death'

Rode the Far Right Funsters

Bravoman to the Right of them

Bad-on-Ass to the Left of them

Farrago in Front of them

Blustered and thundered

'Reform or die', ye Brexit Bunglers

You're all up shit Creek! he said

Onward to their unmourned death

They rode in their hundreds

When will these Tories fade?

Oh what a mess they've made

Honour their Last Parade

This Grey-Matter-Lite Brigade

 

Honour Sad Rishi and his Hapless Bunglers

 

 That's All for Now Folks

 

Kicking the Habbott

 

Kicking the Habbott

Clemantics Insurgent Correspondent Ann.R. Kist reports from the Hustings :

  

               HMS Raquel 'Ironsides' Reeves

                                                                                   Raquel Reeves, Full Rig

The ‘make no commitments/ and backtrack on those you do’ is in full swing here as ‘ironclad’ HMS Rachel Reeves will not budge under questioning. She told our correspondent “ It’s more than my life and career’s worth, innit”

 

Raquel went on to explain:. 

‘Battleship Potemkin’ under Admiral Sir Keirov Starmovitch

is definitely making ex Admiral Jezov Corbynofsky and Quartermistress Dianya Abbottovitch ‘walk the plank’… 

and added

"Err “The Social Revolution is postponed until further notice…. err…. or like forever “.

 

 

"Comrad Revovich this thing between us is bigger than us both."

Chris Philph Diary of a Nobody's Nobody - April 2024

 

Chris Philph Diary of a Nobody's Nobody

April 2024

 

April 15

Radio silence for 6 weeks now. The Rish 'Attack Dog clearly did not put me on the 'waiting list' at all. I've snuk into the 1922 Committee in order to enthusiastically bash a few desk-lids when the Leader walks in; I've posted myself by the door for PMQ's to cheer as the Rishmeister enters – all to no avail. I even heard his Short-Trouserdness enquiring of Vicki Atkins ' who is that loud brash person by the door with a face like a weasel.' I am beyond depressed. Even my darling, Lizzie can't shake me out of this one.

April 16

I've been reading the Lettuce's new book. Well not the whole book just the chapter on how she planned to lock up all the Judges in the Supreme Court – interesting but a bit radical for me. I had just got to the bit on 'the Deep State' – as Lettuce says 'call me paranoid but it doesn't mean they're not out to get you', when the emergency phone goes off, (easily recognised with its Blues and 2s ringtone).

“Philff, is that you?”

“Yes, who's this?”

 

It's SuperRish, of course, but you can call me Prime Minister. Now look here, I've been consulting my spreadsheet 'Press Gang' - it's a list of loyal MPs (It's not a long list to be fair) I can call upon to deal with the media when the solids hit the fan. Well you know my reputation is for straightforward honesty and integrity so I must confess I was surprised , for obvious reasons,to see your name had made it onto the spreadsheet.

The thing is Philf we are in deep, deep doo doo (I think he means deeper, deep doo doo).. Not only are the Cnuts in the Lords slowing down the Rwanda thing, which was already a 'shit show' but some MP from Oop North has been giving his mates' contact details to some perv while Mark 'the Minger's' tapping up a constituent for £5k to pay off 'bad boys' he invited into his flat..

So, are you in?'

“Oh no, PM I'm straight as a die, no skeletons. Nothing to declare!” says I

“ I know that, Philph. I've done my research. You're uninteresting to the point of boredom, which is exactly what I need.' I mean are you 'in' to meet and greet the media.

“ Oh, rather, what do you want me to do?” (Good old Nad he said I only needed to wait patiently)

“You can take your choice really: Kickass Kinnsberg on Grinder Wagg; Pesto on Mark The Minger or little Ms Perfect Bruce on Rwanda.”

“ In that case I'll go for Fifi” I say, hardly concealing my excitement.

“Excellent; that's a done deal then. Talking of which, my advice is to get rid of those Thames Water shares right away... unless of course you're 'shorting'. “ He rings off...

April 15

Nadine has kindly agreed to fire a few 'awkward questions about Rwanda at me in preparation for 'Trial by Ms Perfect' “

NZ: Why have the Rwanda flights been delayed?

Filph:. Because of those Lefty woke peers getting in the way of democracy (Note to self: 'don't we have a majority of Tory peers?')

NZ: Rish has found 150 judges to staff the 'Rwanda Courts', so how come rape cases are taking 18 months to come to court for shortage of court time?

A: We are laser focussed in MoJ in achieving timely focus.

NZ: The maximum number of asylum seekers Rwanda can take, if all goes well, is 500. Isn't that a drop in the ocean when the backlog of asylum claims is in excess of 150,000?

Filph: We have cleared record numbers of asylum claims in the last 6 months.

NZ: Is Rwanda really a safe place when it has been ruled for the last 24 years by a dictator, who has ruthlessly suppressed any opposition to his regime?

Filph: In the last election Paul Kagame gained 99% of the vote. This is the sort of approval rating we can only dream of.

Nad tells me that if I stick to these answers come what may, then No10 will be ecstatic

April 19

The big day has arrived at last. I thought the Beeb would send me a limo to get me to the venue in Buxton but instead of that I'm plonked on a train to Manchester (never been this far North before!!) then on some ghastly bus on wheels, which is full of Mancs out for a day in the country.

I play a blinder with Brucie smiling encouragingly every time I stonewall a question. Then just as I'm flying high some 'Woker' , who slipped through the Question Time vetting procedure asks me a geography question, like I'm doing a GCSE paper. I ask you how am I supposed to know that Rwanda isn't the same place as Congo? Hutsy, Tutsy what does it matter as long as HM Gov is shovelling shed loads of filthy lucre (not Philpy lucre of course!!) into your dodgy banking system?

Anyway, my minor re-drawing of the map of Central Africa brings the house down with the 'Wokerati of North Derbyshire (who have clearly been bussed in specially) hooting away fit to bust. Of course, I immediately employ the Old Ali shuffle (No Islamaphobe me!) to get out of trouble but alas the damage is done. It's a disaster. I slink away after the show, unable to face post-match drinks in Ms Perfect's dressing room.

April 20

Past Midday and I'm still hiding in bed; head under the pillow when Lizzie enters with ' the cup that cheers' in one hand and my mobile in the other. She hands me the phone without a word; a faint smile playing on her gorgeous face.

 “Hello, Philf, Rish here, although you can call me Prime Minister. I just wanted to send congratulations and heartfelt thanks for yesterday. Your Rwanda/Congo shtick was just the ticket. You had 'em on a string. Where did you learn this 'Pretend I'm Hopelessly Out of Touch routine...?

“Well, Prime Minister; it comes naturally for the likes of us...”

 

That's All Folks!

 

The Real PMQs May 8th, 2024

 

The Real PMQs May 8^th

Clemantics political correspondent, Gloria S Fookup, reports from the Chamber:

The Commons is in a febrile state. MPs for Toryland are in bouyant mood as they celebrate the Mayor of Teasmade's 'epic game-changing, corner-turning victory in 'Somewhere up t' North'

The Nodding Dogs of the Front Bench are already barking approvingly in anticipation of having there tummies tickled by The Supreme One, the One and Lonely, Rishmeister.

Portsmouth Lass, under full sail, floats into the Chamber and berths next to (but at a safe distance from) Uriah Dowding. Ms. Maudlin', perhaps unwisely has taken a couple of Cocodemol to get her through another session of HEADBANGERS 'R' US.

“My God Uriah” she whispers to Dowdy. I must be hallucinating, I keep seeing Natalie Hell-Phix perched on the Lefty Lawyer's shoulder.”

“OMG! I see it too” cries Uriah “What's the 'Stalin' of the Right' doing? Has the Rishmeister got her ' Sleeping with the Enemy?”

Pompey Lass in a tizz rushes off to warn the 'One and Lonely' before he enters the Chamber. Too late the Rishmeister is already installed, file-prompt in hand, trying to learn by heart a gag from the Bojo 'Handbook on Statecraft - '10 gags to get any place rocking'.

Lefty Lawyer is on his feet in no time wearing his usual 'cat-that-ate-the-cream' grin

“I'm sure the whole House will join me in welcoming the Union-bashing-Climate Change-Sceptic-School-Dinner-Denying, Ex-wife of the 'Gone but never Forgotten' Naughty Tory. Tthe woman who will always be found on the RIGHT Side of any argument. Yes, lets all welcome onto the Labour Benches the Dodgy Dover MP, Ms Natalie Airfix”

(shouts of Hear, Hear from Government benches; Not Here, Here from Opposition benches)

Lefty Lawyer goes in for the kill

“Will the PM, knowing that Ms. Air-Phix landed on the Labour Benches seeking asylum, wearing dainty size 6 footwear, say whether his plan to stop 'the Small Boots Crossing' is working?

(shouts of give the PM 'Das Boot' go up from both sides of the House)

The One and Lonely clenches his file-prompt in rage, seaching for a suitable riposte...then inspiration:

“Same old Lefty Lawyer, playing politics (Starmfurher caught bang to rights? ed.)

Does he not realize that without the deterrent of Rwanda, the Labour Benches would be over-flowing with Illegal Tories trying to escape an Oppressive Regime?”

The Nodding Dogs howl their approval. The Rishmeister is on a roll and continues

“ While Natalie Elphbitch's Mr Softie' is busy cosing up to Big Business, we're getting on investing £541,000,000 in Rwanda. While he's trying to learn the words to Rule Britannia, we're locking up illegal Iranian, Elite Cyclists and sending them to the Bibby Stockholm whilst confiscating their race bikes.

(a ghostly voice from 'Another Place' is heard to say 'Get on your bike and Look for work – Stormin' Norman Tebbitt? -ed)

Lefty Lawyer finishes his questions; smirks smugly, rolls his eyes, and mouths 'Job done' to Angie 'The Lip' Rayburn. He blows a kiss to Ms Air-phix on the bench behind him.

As proceedings descend into chaos, The Speaker, Mr Linseed Oil, calls upon 'The Nightmare Living on Your Street', the MP for Devices, Mr. Freddie Krueger

“Can the PM confirm that he is still offering 3,000 Smackers, free flights, and a luxury flat in Bongo Bongo Land for any ERG MP seeking asylum; if so would he put me, Billy Cash (but not for Questions) and Mimi Cates down for 3 seats in business class and a penthouse suite in Kigali?

At this moment a figure rises from his position in 'the Secure Unit of the Chamber (near the emergency exit)  to make a Point of Order.

Mr. Linseed 'Oil : “Point of Order – from the MP for Assfield, Mr. Lee Neanderthal”

“ I know that you all think I'm just one Big Brick in the Red Wall, but I've 'ad enough, of all this Question Time nonsense,as have both my constituents, Sidney and Doris Bonkers . Why doesn't that Elphwitch just fook off back to La La land and take 'er 'Pervy Ex' with 'er. And while they're at it, why doesn't Mr. One and Lonely, just climb into 'is private whirlybird and fook off out of this shit-show?

Linseed 'Oil: Ordure ! Ordure....

PMQs ends with Foggy Francoise leading the ERG in a chorus of 'Land of Dope 'n Tory'...

Dramatis Personae:

Prime Minister aka 'Mr One and Lonely'

Pompey Lass aka The MP for Portsmouth North

Uriah Dowding aka The Deputy Prime Minister

Nodding Dogs aka Members of the Cabinet

Lefty Lawyer aka The Leader of the Opposition

Angie Rayburn aka The Deputy Leader of the Opposition

Natalie Airfix aka the MP for Dover

Charlie Airfix, ex- husband of Natalie aka The Naughty Tory

Billy Cash aka MP for Stone

Freddie Krueger also known as 'Danny' aka MP for Devizes

Mimi Cates aka MP for Penistone & Stocksbridge

Linseed 'Oil aka Mr. Speaker

Lee Neanderthal aka MP for Ashfield