Diary of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (4)

 

Diary of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (4) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

                                                  Separated at Birth: 

Nadhim Zahawi                                       Nadine Zimbabwe

April 24th 2021

Almost 5 months to the day when I became Vaccine Supremo or Jabber-the-Czar as the PM likes to call me; I must say being Vaccine Czar has not turned out to be all it was cracked up. Number 10 said the job was 'right up my alley'; it would 'showcase your extraordinary skills, Naddy'.

22 weeks into the job – nothing. No call from Pesto (ITV); not a peep from Konigsburger (Beeb); no interest from the press. I even phoned 'Desperate Dan' Wootton at the Sun, offering a juicy leak (anonymous, of course).

'Not interested, mate' says Dan 'we've already got one 'Chatty Rat'. I suggest you go and take your leak in the usual place!'

'How coarse; have you no style, sir?' was my trademark shoot-from-the-hip reply.

'You do know you're on to the Sun, don't you, Fatso?' he says merrily and slams the phone down.

Anyway, By lunch time I am feeling so depressed I'd even have welcomed a call from the 'Mad Spad of Barnard Castle (or should I say 'Ex-Spad!!). As luck would have it, Mrs Z. had dropped in at the M42 Burger King drive-thru' on her way back from choosing wall paper at John Lewis.

'I've got your Whopper' she says playfully.

'I'm too unhappy to engage in banter and innuendo, Old Girl' says I and proceed to unburden myself about the Czar-thing.

Once again Mrs Z comes up trumps 'Get that down you and get on the blower to that Simon Case (or Justin Case as the Govemeister calls him), the 'New Fixer' down at the Cabinet Office. He'll tell you the SP (Mrs. Z likes to use racing terms).'

Later – I put through a call to 'Suit-Case'. Smooth talking? Voice silky as Tennessee Whiskey (to which, Yours Truly is rather partial). Unusual for one of No 10s attack dogs – Naddy's immediately on his guard.

“Don't worry, Mr Zinoviev” says Suitable Case “No-one expects you to do a thing. The NHS is taking good care of the 'roll-out', beautifully. The Blonde Bombshell is taking all the credit. Your job is Patsy-in-Chief if things go wrong. Enjoy life while the sun shines, Mr Zorro. Get yourself off to your stables. Nothing more soothing they say than stroking the hindquarters of your favourite filly with a stable-rubber!”

26^th April

Just trying on my snazzy new Joddies (mail order from John Lewis' new, on-line Tacky-shop) when 'Do ye Ken John Peel' (ringtone) goes off.

“Lord David, is that you?” says a familiar voice, “ The solids have really hit the fan; excreta maxima...”

“You're through to Nadine Zimbabwe, Vaccine Czar”

“Oh Cripes, I must have hit Lord Brownose in 'contacts' rather than Lord Brownlow” (it's the PM!) “I jest, of course. How are you, Naddy, my favourite non-Russkie Czar?”

“All the better for your call, PM”

“Well now I've got you on the old dog and bone, Jodhpur Jack (one of the PM's terms of endearment, I cherish!!), I do have a job for you. We've got a spot of bother on the DIY front. Needn't go in to detail about it, but just to say, that Gleaming Otter of mine has just cost me 150 grand. Anyway that's not the worst of it; the Daily Lie is onto the story and the new editor is looking to shaft me, ad sagittam rectum.

I need someone to get out on the media and start counter-punching for me. I needn't tell you, Nad Old Thing, that your ability to stonewall is legendary in the corridors of No 10. The dearly beloved, now departed, Spadmeister-General used to love hurling insults in your direction just to see the 'water run off the duck's back'.

“Say no more, Mein Führer, I'm your man!”

“ Then to horse my Noble Stratford. Expect a call from the Beeb and the Other One sometime soon . Up and at 'em!!”

28^th April.

Wotta day! Interview with 'Cruisemishal' Husain in the morning and Bob Pesto in the evening. I'd hoped that I might get Nick Robocop ('he's one of us' says the PM) on the Today programme but instead they put me up against the Bilious Husain.

Of course, I saw her off with a few 'the public aren't really interested in the price of El Supremo's wall paper' and so forth. The Daily Distress ran the headline 'Answered plenty!' Zimbabwe brutally shuts down BBC host over persistent Boris Johnson probe. This is as great an accolade as if it had come from the PM himself.

If I'm honest (as I always am!!) The Pesto interview was a bit of an anti-climax. Before the show Bob-a-Job tipped me the wink that he and the PM were both part of the sacred Balliol Brethren and so he was bound not to give me a hard time. A Bruiser like me from the back streets of Baghdad likes nothing better than a good dust up so Pesto's farewell of

'Nice to see you; please come again'

frankly, left me feeling like my balloon had been well and truly popped.

later

Mrs. Z comes in with a nice cuppa to celebrate my success.

'I've set up the karaoke room for you, my hunky dunk. Get in there and celebrate!'

It's just a little indulgence I have, dear diary. I have converted a closet where I used to keep my boots and saddles into a studio; kitted it out with sound system and wall mirrors (from John Lewis – only the best for me!!). After a triumph like today I go straight into the winner's enclosure, where Mrs Z affixes the winner's rosette to my chest; she then chooses a suitable song and I belt it out.

Today 'What a Difference a Day Makes' comes piping through the headphones

What a difference a day makes

24 little hours

what a difference a day makes

And the difference is you...

I can see Mrs Z watching and pointing at me as I crescendo on 'And the difference is you...'.

What a woman. She's definitely lucky to have me...

More Diaries

Diary of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (3) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

 

Separated at Birth

Nadhim Zahawi                            Nadine Zimbabwe

July 1^st,2020

Mrs. Z brings me my usual afternoon snifter – Between The Sheets cocktail

' Your favourite' she says coquettishly.

She's worried about me sitting for hours on end in a darkened room sporting my hunting pink watching recordings of my two Question Time triumphs. I can't deny it: I am depressed. Even her offer of a rub down with horse liniment fails to get the blood coursing.

I break off from the bit where 'Double Whammy' Lammy looks pitifully to Fi Bruce as I administer my coup de grace, to review one of my favourite diary entries from the time entitled:

'Victory Complete'

June 10^th,2020

Receive call from his Bozzership. Number 10 is particularly complimentary about my performance on the Fi-the-Bruce show.

“Great performance, Naddy” says he “ No-one could understand a bloody word. You've invented the never-ending sentence: no-one knows where it's going before it disappears up its own dependant clause - genius, ingenio pura. Better patent it old boy, or I'll be using it myself, ho, ho!

There are big things planned for you, Alter Junge. The Home Sec, she whose name must not be spoken, is still not cutting the mustard. If you get my drift.”

“Well, if my country needs me...in whatever capacity...” is my modest response.

“ Well between you and me Naddster, The Not-so-Pretty Petal has (as you horsey types would say) the bit between her teeth with her new immigration policy. She is all for sending you packing back to Iraq, that is your country isn't it?... only joking, mon vieux; just a bit of Bullingdon Banter. We can't do without you. We need our Scheiße Schaufler-in-chief here ready with his shovel.

Anyway, mon ami, keep that mobile phone handy at all times. Bozza will be back with ' Big Jobbies' for our favourite BAME."

I've kept my phone in my jodphurs ever since, despite odd looks from the stable lasses, but John Peel (ringtone) has been completely silent.

July 12^th

At last a call from Number 10. It's the odious Pfizzer (Cummings) but better than nothing, I suppose.

„ Hello, Fatso... the Ministry for Disinformation, here. Just put down that copy of 'All You Ever Wanted to Know about French Fillies' and pay attention“

„ I'm mucking out the stables, actually“ I protest.

„How appropriate!“ says he „ then this job will be right up your street.“ (usual annoying chortling from Pfizzer).

„ We need someone to go onto Politics Live after Prime Minister's Questions. The Great Gaffer is going to make one of his biggest gaffs yet and we need someone to be in the studio to make His Idiotship look good when the solids hit the fan.“

„ Do I get advanced information on the nature of the gaff?“ I enquire (indicating to Pfizzer that I'm now an old hand at this type of stuff).

„ Not your concern, Zimbabwe. Let's just say the punch-line is something to do with Calvin Klein Briefs (Below-the-belt obession from Johnson as usual). All this talk of face masks has turned his head. His Gaffership thinks he can go out unmuzzled and tell jokes without realizing that he is the joke.

You'll be questioned by that North London girl-guide, Joanna Cockburn, who still hasn't got the message that the days of investigative journalism and probing questions are long past. When she puts a question to you you've just got to keep to your usual never-ending sentence routine. And don't try any of that Kurdish anti-semitic stuff. We don't want trouble from her lot.“

„ The Kurds and the Israelis have been chums since 1950. I would have thought you knew that, Pfizzer.“ says I, going on the offensive ('Big balls; big balls, Naddy' I say to myself).

„Don't get clever with me, Nadine or I'll kick you and your Spad's ass. Kurdish; Smurdish; what do I care? Just don't mention Zionism. Remember, as it says in the Port advert, don't say Cock say Co...Try not to Co it up, Tubbykins!“ ...Hysterical chortling down the phone and then silence...

As I slip my mobile back into my jodhpurs I can hardly contain my delight. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and can't resist a wink. By the time Mrs. Z enters the door brandishing the biggest flagon of horse liniment you've ever seen, I am jigging round my study singing

'Happy days are here again; Naddy, the Daddy, is on the tube again...'

'It's nice to see you back to your old self, Nad.' She says ' That's the Stallion I married.'

„Up and at 'em, Mrs Z! Up and at 'em!“...

 Jo Coburn learns that Nadine Zimbabwe will be appearing on her show

More diaries will appear as we continue to emerge from Lockdown

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