As we see support for the Reform Party crumbling, we wish to contribute to the Party’s slow demise. Hopefully, Reform will exist only as a footnote note in history- known only for the 2Bs – Bitcoin and Boats. We have called upon Enid Blyton to assist us in this endeavour; we apologise for usurping her Famous 5. Julien, Anne, Dick, George and Tim are, after all, more endearing and more credible than Farage, Braverman, Jenrick, Pochin and Anderson, who inhabit our story below.
The Fraudulent 5 in Flush Those Floaters
Starring
Friggin- Farridge as Julien
Sue-Welly Braverperson as Anne
Bobby-J as Dick
Sara Pochers as George
Leapup Leigh as Tim, the Dog
Part 1 – Money for Nothing, Kicks for Free
Scene1 – The Thin Turquoise Line Café, The Seafront somewhere in Kent
Sue-Welly: Read it again B-J. What does it say?
B-J: It just says ‘Meet me at the TTL Café at noon. Bring a bike pump. Don’t be late.’
Leapup-Leigh: Woof; woof; wofferty woof, growl woof…
B-J: What’s he woofing on about, Pochers, you know doggerel?
Sara Pochers: He’s saying ‘ I don’t trust Friggin Farridge. He’s up to no good…
L.L.: Woof, woof, snarl, bare teeth, fook, fook, fook…
S.P.: Steady, Leap-up; steady boy. He says ’If he comes here as usual talkin’ bollocks, I’ll see him bollockless by the end of the day. Fook, fook, fooook…
B-J: I’m with Leapers. I don’t trust Frigger either. He’s just a jumped up Garagiste in a polyester suit and a tie from Tie Rack. It’s time for a ‘coup’ is it not? I feel it in my waters (he adjusts his dress) It’s my time; It’s Bobby J’s moment; it’s B-J’s destiny. (he starts to raise a Roman salute, but thinks better of it)
S-W: Keep your incontinent ejaculations in your trousers, B-J. What Great Offices of State have you held? (she tosses back her hair defiantly) Do I have to remind you were a mere Gauleiter in MY DEPARTMENT. The Leadership is mine by right.
S.P.: Well said Sue-Welly. You get my vote. Muttonheads must stick together.
L.L.: Woof; oh woooof (Leap-up is barking madly as he has spotted Frigger about to land)
Frigger enters the café accompanied by a strapping young man, despite it being summer, wearing a Cossack hat, a Great Coat, carrying a bag marked SWAG.
F.F.: No, no, no, don’t stand up. Igor, meet the rest of the Fraudulent Fivers. Fivers- This is Igor Spondoolikavich. I happened to chance upon him a few minutes ago, whilst pulling pints in the Gregorovich Arms.
B-J: OK. Cut to the chase, F-F. What are we doing here and what’s in the bag?
F.F: Oh, that’s nothing. Just a few BITs, to COIN a phrase. A present from an anonymous admirer. Enough for a few rounds of Jaeger Bombs, Eh, Igor? (winks at Spondoolikavich) Mum’s the word Bobby J, or in this case, Dad is the word. By the way, whatever happened to that money from ‘Dildo Brother’ Desmondo, which ended up in your account B-J?
(S-W and S.P. titter)
F.F: Anyway, Igor has to go. Off you go Igor, privetstvaya tovarishch, (Greetings Comrade) to Vlad.
Igor leaves
Well, what’s been happening while I’ve been away?
All look sheepish but remain silent. L-L growls.
Nothing…? So, let’s get down to business…
Next week - Part 2 Das Boot Aufblasbar (inflatable)
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