Humpy discovers Less means More for Chancelborg

Welcome to Winter Clemantics - 'May the Farce be with You'

Humpy discovers Less means More for Chancelborg

Humpy Friss: Good morning and welcome to the TOADY programme. As Prime Minister Bliar once told me 'just move a few letters around and you have a completely new persona' or in our case a completely different show.

Humpy (continuing) First up this morning we have the Spreadsheet Wizard of Downing Street, the Chancelborg, Mr Philip Hammond

Humpy (still continuing) Morning Chancelbore – or may I call you Box Office?

Chancelborg: (in a metronomic voice) Most people do, Humpy...

Humpy: Well, Fiscal Phil, if I may call you that, you still seem aglow with the success of your second Hamm-Sham Budget

Chancelborg: (in an electrified monotone)Yes, Humpy, I am still excited, as no doubt everyone is, by the Big Idea in last month's Budget.

Humpy: (struggling to remember any big ideas) You mean Driverless Cars? 
 

Chancelborg: Exactly, Mr Friss, or may I call you the Welsh Terrier? I am talking Driverless Cars and the World of Less Means More, which lies beyond.

Humpy: Another example of Double D's Constructive Ambiguity? Tell us more, Chancelbore, or may I call you Eeyore?

Chancelborg: (ignoring Humpy completely) You see, My game-changing discovery is that if you simply add LESS to a word, the word becomes energised and works much better.

Humpy (sceptically) I see, so if you add Less to Leader of the Government, you get Leaderless Government and things start to work better?

Chancelborg: Right again, Humpy, or may I call you Welsh Windbag?

Humpy: (aside) I'm afraid that sobriquet was taken long ago...

Chancelborg: (now firmly in his stride) Precisely; The Government has been running Leaderless Cabinet Meetings (LCMs) for months now and they work a treat – just ask BoJo and the Gover!

Chancelborg: (with tedious enthusiasm) Now let me be clear, the opportunities offered by 'Less' know no bounds. Let me give you an example, Humpy:

We have a Problem with Doctors in the NHS. Just add Less and what have you got?

Humpy: Doctorless NHS

Chancelborg: That's right! Instead of hopping along to your GP or legging it into A&E, you just Dial up 111 – it's fast; it's easy; it's free! Want to know whether you are ill/dead/alive the New NHS Algorithm will tell you all you need to know (and in plain English too– if you get my drift)

As my Barely Honourable Friend Gover so rightly said:

“We've had too many experts interfering in our lives.”

Couldn't have put it better myself. Yes indeed, who needs Doctors, I say? Too long we have suffered from GP Tyranny, let's take back control of our diagnoses (and save shed loads of money-I estimate Doctorless NHS will save upwards of £350 million each week; money which can be handed over to pay for Brexit!)

Humpy: But sick people seem to be quite keen on Doctors...

Chancelborg (ignoring Friss and warming to his vision): Let me give you another example:

I've glimpsed the future and the future is Bobbyless Police Forces – Out goes the Bobby on the Beat; in comes our new 20 page 'Bobby Dazzler Offence Report Form' (BDORF) powered by the new 'Keep-u-Safe Algorithm'. At the push of a button it will tell you, if you've been burgled/assaulted/defrauded or not. And here's the pay off - It will automatically generate an Insurance Claim to ensure that everyone will be quids in.

As my Always Right Honourable Gover so wisely puts it

'Aren't we all fed up with experts delving into our expenses claims, our holidays in the Caymans and the Antilles on the pretext of bringing criminals to book?”

Or as the BoJJer wisely counselled

“ Lets put Bobby back in his box and take back control of our streets from the Boys in Blue”

Humpy: And, of course, 'Less' would solve the whole post-Brexit Border Control problem..

Chancelborg: Yes, indeed Humpy, or may I call you the Welsh Wacko? I've glimpsed the future and the future is - Driverless Trucks pulling up at Officerless Border Control Points. If there's anyone behind the wheel our Border Force HDR (Human Detection Robot) will know immediately that it's an illegal immigrant and will automatically trigger a deportation process by loudly repeating the message “F..k-off-back-home-to-EUland, Johann Foreigner!”

Humpy: Marvellous! But bringing us back to matters close to your Chancelbore heart, I suppose Taxless Billionaires would meet the 'Less is More criterion'. After all, not making Fat Cats pay tax will mean that they will generate more wealth and more employment to the benefit of everyone. Trickle down in operation...

Chancelborg: Don't be ridiculous, Humpy, trickle down is just magical thinking. It's simply a case of LESS taxes means MORE votes to keep us in power!

Humpy: So I suppose Chancelbore, or may I call you Spreadsheet Phil, you are hoping, like the Big Clunking Fist, that 11 LESS 1 = 10!! (Chortles heartily at his own joke). Chancelsnore, thank you very much.

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