Welcome
to Desert Island Dicks
Krusty
(No
longer)
Young:
My
Castoff today is the 'Moggwitch Cuckoo' the Honourable Member for
Mendip-in-the-Timewarp, Jacob Grease-Toff; Minister for Top Hats and
Powdered Wigs.
(Krusty
turns to Wiggy Grease Toff)
Mr
Toff, Your Factotum is reported as saying that you entered this world
with an erstwhile unseen sense of superiority and entitlement. Take
us back to your illustrious beginning, if you will.
Moggwich:
(removing
his horn-rimmed spectacles and polishing them owlishly)
I
owe it all to the Pater, William Grease-Toff, without his support
and example I would have been just another Grease-Sprogg
(Chortles
at own joke).
It was never going to be enough for me to be a spoilt brat with a
plummy voice and a silver spoon in my mouth. The Pater wanted more.
My earliest memory is of him reading the financial times to me in my
high-chair while Nanny fed me kedgeree followed by Kumquats.
Krusty:
Nanny had a special place in your life at that time, and still does?
Moggwich:
Oh rather! You may remember me saying to the Telegraph “Nannies,
I'm all in favour
of
Nannies. Nannies are wonderful.” My
Nanny, Veronica (we call her Nanny Mc V)
(chortles to self
at reference to his favourite film)
was
divine. The Mater was always busy with other things; it was 'The
Nanny' who taught me all I needed to know.
Krusty:
I'm intrigued. What exactly did she teach you?
Moggwich:
Well – How to Beware Naughty Girls and how to be a Good Catholic.
You see Nanny showed me how Coves like me could be taken in by
unscrupulous Proly Girlies, (Roly
Prolies as we called them at Eton) who
wanted nothing more than to have my babies in order to get a council
house. She told me that the only way to stop this happening to me was
to keep a crucifix over my bed; to sleep in white pyjamas and keep
both hands above the coverlet. ' Advice to which, I solemnly kept
until the day I married 'The Chair'. (Grins
waggishly at Krusty)
Krusty:
(Krusty
ignoring Moggwitch's reference to his wife)
You
were being tested as Mary Moggdalene tested Jesus?
Moggwich:
Indeedy-doodey!
Krusty:
Your first record?
Moggwich:
Oh! It has to be The Perfect Nanny from Mary Poppins (Grease-Toff
enthusiastically bursts into song)
Never
be cross or cruel
Never give us castor oil or gruel
Love us
as a son and daughter
And never smell of barley water
Krusty:
So it must have been with a huge sense of loss that you said goodbye
to Nanny McVee and went off first to the Dragon School and then on to
Eton College.
Moggwich:
In
Fatale Die!
I missed her dreadfully but I had the bible for guidance and comfort.
When I think about it, the only text I have ever needed in life is
the bible...
Krusty:
So that accounts for your absurd views on abortion along with your
denial of women's right to bodily autonomy,
Moggwich:
Rather. The bible is replete with stories of women's wickedness –
Delilah, Salome, Jezebel, and the greatest baddie of them all Eve. I
suppose when it comes to Gays and Women I'm a bit of a
fundamentalist.
Krusty:
Your second record.
Moggwich:Generally
I find the Rolling Stones music rather pedestrian and plebeian but I
think that their album 'Some Girls' captures what I am all about.
(as
the music plays JG-T sings along)
Some girls they're so
pure
Some girls so corrupt
Some girls give me children...
I never asked them for
Krusty:
Were you a popular boy at Eton
?
Moggwich:
Oh heavens no! Most boys called me 'Squit' (a
small or insignificant person.)
; the rest preferred 'Walter-the-Softee'..although I've never fully
understood that literary reference.
Krusty:
(finding
it difficult to conceal her mirth) so
if you were Walter-the-Softee then presumably Bumbling Bojo was
Dennis-the-Menace.
Moggwich:
But there, Krusty, you are mistaken. I much admire BoJo's grasp of
Latin and, of course, he taught me the arts of obfuscation and
filibuster. The Bojjer was older than me but he was kindness itself
when I was fagging for him. I remember one night in the dorm, we had
both had a little too much Pimms when Bojo, with a wink and a lewd
gesture, of which Nanny McVee would definitely not have approved,
whispered conspiritorially
“ I
think Moggster, it is time to introduce you to the “Filly-Buster.”
I
took to Filibuster like a duck to water, involving, as it does being
obstructive, whilst showing off and talking hi falutin' nonsense..
Shall I demonstrate?
Crusty:
Please do .
Moggwich:
Floccinaucinihilipilification is a very long word, perhaps the
longest word ever used in a filibuster... (JG-T
drones on for 20 minutes or so. Krusty falls asleep)
Krusty:
(waking
up with a snort) Well
Mr. Moggoff you have successfully talked our programme out of time...
but we just have just a few moments for your third record.
Moggwich:
Oh good. There's rather a spiffing story attached to this one.
BoJo's bro, Jo, and I were contemporary 'Squits' at Eton. To be
honest neither of us liked the sobriquet 'Squit' so we decided that
we should re-brand ourselves. Jo thought of naming us 'The
Inconsequentials' but I thought that was too ironic and anyway
sounded like a girl band, So I came up with 'The Trifles' – still
ironic but also delicious! So the Eton Trifles were born! So my third
record, Crusty, has to be Eton Trifles by the Jam.
Krusty:
But isn't Paul Weller's song 'Eton Rifles'?
Moggwich:
No, I think you will find it was 'Trifles', Krusty.
Krusty:
I don't think so (insistently).
Eton Rifles
-
it's a song about class warfare.
"Sup
up your beer and collect your fags, there's a row going on down near
Slough" ...
"What chance do you have against a tie and a crest."
It's
Working Class Weller's demolition job on privilege.
Moggwich:
Oh how unfortunate. Is there a class war going on even though 'Homo
Vulgus' has the vote?
Krusty:
I think Mr. Cuckoo you are safe in North East Somerset. I'm afraid
Mr. Greased-Toff, you have managed to talk us out of time.
Moggwich:
Another triumphant filibuster, if I might say so!
Krusty:
Er...yes...so will you come back next week, Mr Moggwich, as our first
returning Castoff?
Moggwich:
Well, Krusty, that would be marvellous...
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