Left, left, the left is always right.
Let’s see now, the
left of the Labour Party had 4 years to bring about the Socialist
nirvana, but the people just wouldn’t listen, and it slumped to its
worst election defeat since 1935 – yes, that’s right, 1935.
Is the left of the
party finished? Not a bit of it. The current flag bearer is none
other than Richard Burgon, he of the monotonic and in his case,
uninspiring Yorkshire twang, someone who seems to have undergone a
humour bypass and winner of the bronze medal in the deputy leaders
contest!
You will recall that
during his joust for the deputy leaders post, a central feature of
his policy portfolio was the ‘peace pledge; the essence of which
was that Labour Party members should be given a vote on whether or
not to allow the leader to sanction military actions not
supported by the UN.
How do you think this
might work out in a time of crisis? Well, let’s see…
Labour Party Extraordinary Conference
Chair: Comrades, we’ve
called this Extraordinary Conference to discuss and debate a matter
of the gravest national importance. I call upon comrade Richard
Burgon to address conference.
RB: Comrades, sisters
and brothers, fellow (in the broadest sense) travellers and all those
for whom the sainted Jeremy Corbyn remains a guiding light in the
darkness of a seemingly endless capitalist conspiracy…
Member: Get on with
it…!
RB: Comrades – oh
I’ve done that bit - we meet today at a time of national emergency
when the government wants to initiate military action without the
courtesy of seeking UN approval. Now in accordance with motion 35 as
composited with motions 35b, c and d, and passed unanimously at our
last conference, by virtue of which, not wishing to put too fine a
point on it – and it was my proposal by the way – it is only with
your approval that our leader can support this insufferable
government and it’s warlike intentions.
What are these
intentions I hear you ask; well, as of today, a foreign army has
landed at Dover and, as we speak, is attempting to make its way
towards Canterbury.
Now
let me tell you, comrades, these cowardly curs didn’t invade like
in the old days, with an array of warships and landing craft. Oh no,
they came underhandedly by taking the Cross Channel Ferry as if on a
day trip; we told Raab that the Dover – Calais route was important,
but did he listen? No!
Anyway, there’s
currently a hotly contested rear guard (or rather a front guard, cos
we haven’t voted yet) action by a series of road works on the A2.
Now, as you know, holdups by road works are legion and can last for
hours or, if cunningly situated, for days; they’ve not seen
anything like our roadworks in that there Europe. But for all their
inconvenience, they can’t hold out indefinitely and once the
invaders have worked out how to set the traffic lights, they’ll be
off towards London – a situation which would be much more serious
if it were Leeds! Hee, hee.
Comrades, time is of
the essence to decide whether we meet force with force or, as I would
prefer, whether we appeal to their better internationalist socialist
principles, let them buy their M&S clothes, which are excellent
value by the way, and take the last ferry back from whence they came.
So I suggest we crack
on and move straight to a vote.
All those in favour of
fighting fire with fire - abhorrent – vote now, (pause). .. All
those in favour of, the more preferable, negotiation according to
strict socialist principles, vote now – pause…
I’m sorry comrades
and those of you who let the side down, the vote was disappointingly
close and we’ll have to go to a ballot.
(Three hours later)
RB Thank you for your
patience comrades and I can now announce – what? Excuse me for a
moment comrades (whispered aside with an official)…
Oh, it seems the
government has capitulated and a new regime has been installed. The
upshot of this obvious conspiracy of right wing governments is that I
have been certified….
Voice from the hall:
“So you should be.”
…… an enemy of the
state and have been put on a wanted list of potential threats to
peace.
Voice from the hall: “
Never mind Richard, it’s the first you’ve been ‘wanted’
for..a very long time….”
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