THE LAST JOURNEY OF THE STARSHIT DEADWOOD (1)

THE LAST JOURNEY OF THE STARSHIT DEADWOOD

(To badly go where no Starsh**t has badly gone before)

Dramatis Personae

Boris. A. Birk - Commander of the Deadwood

Raab Pocks - First Lieutenant

Hans McCock - Chief Medical Officer

'Gofa' Imer Scott-Rearleigh  (affectionately known as 'Potty-Scotty') - Chief Engineer

Priti HuRya (?) (aka Who-are-yer?) - Communications Officer

Richi Sendus. A. Checkoff... - Navigator

Suella 'Don't Bring' Sulu - Trans-gender Helmsperson

Beemer von Euro-Tünnell – an immigrant Physician

Spad Kumquat (aka The Puppetmeister) – Air Starfleet Marshall

Lights, Camera, Action

First Officer Pocks and Cap'n Birk are standing on the bridge of the Deadwood looking at the new wall to wall Smart TV Screen

Pocks: We're out of range of their final reel of red-tape; they can't hold us, Dim; we've finally escaped U-RoSepsis;. I think we can safely say we're completely on our own now, to make whatever cock-ups we choose.

Birk: Cripes, Pocks! I do wish you would stop calling me Dim.

Pocks: Sorry Dim, Jim, Boris what does it matter if you're King of the Galaxy?

Birk: (clearly affronted clicks his fingers and flexes his biceps) De-regulate and reduce speed to Macho 1, Potty Scotty.

Potty Scotty: (concealing a knife behind his back) Wilco.Well done, Sir; you finally 'Got It Done'.

Birk: That's very generous of you, Potty. I thought you were still miffed with me for getting the Deadwood command over you.

Potty Scotty: (aside) Well perhaps just an incy wincy bit

Richi (Sendusa)Checkoff: Where should I set a course for Mr. Birk?

Birk: Maintain a holding pattern, Mr. Checkoff. I'm under instructions from Spad Kumquat at Starfleet Command (I think he's still in charge) to free Deadwood from U-Rosepsis and await further orders...

Birk does not complete his sentence for he grasps his own throat, diving headlong from the bridge, rising and staggering backwards towards the transporter.

Birk: Phwoarrh! Wrestle him to the floor! Foot on his neck... knee to the solar plexus (that's Latin for guts)...

Birk grasps his crotch and doubles over as if there has been a direct hit in the Constellation Gonads. Birk emits a pitiful high-pitched cry

Birk: No,Not the crown Jewels....help..help...heeeelppp!!

Birk gasps for breath, collapses and passes out. Hans McCock steps forward to help Captain Birk

Pocks: No leave him McCock. I've a Sars-picion that I've seen these symptoms before. If I'm not mistaken Birk has been attacked by the 'Invisible Mugger'. The mugger is feared throughout the galaxy. Science (and we are always guided by the science) tells us that I.M. can be deadly for anyone who measures 5' 9” and weighs 16-and-a-half stone.

Dotty Scotty: (cheerfully)You're describing, Cap'n Birk, (as we say at Carnoustie) to a tee.

Pocks: We must get him into sick-bay immediately. Who's duty medic, McCock?

McCock: Beemer von Euro-Tünnell.

Pocks: Are you sure? I thought all alien Medical Personnel had been sent home under the new Starfleet directive.

At that moment EuroTünnell appears clad in a black plastic bag and a pair of yellow Marigolds and a gasmask.

Pocks: Ah, Beemer there you are. But why are you dressed like that? This is no time to indulge your sartorial proclivities.

McCock: I didn't have a chance to give you the heads up, Pocks. This is the new budget protective clothing couriered to us by the Starshit Bezoss.

Pocks: Protective clothing but not as we know it, eh, 'Cock?

Pocks orders Beemer to get Birk into sickbay and to keep him in isolation even if his condition improves.

Who are yer?: This is no time for us to be leaderless. Who's gonna be in charge?

Pocks turns to Potty Scotty

Pocks: You have to step up to the plate, Gofa. Cometh the hour cometh the man to carry the can....

Potty Scotty : (aside) Pocks has to be joking; if anyone thinks I'm going to lead this shit show...

Potty Scotty (addressing Pocks): Surely Mr. Pocks, as second in command it fall-guys to you?

McCock: (trying to get between Scotty and Pocks) Me, me, me; why not me?

Pocks and Potty Scotty fall about laughing

Pocks : What about Suella Sulu; this is the time for a competent helmsperson.

Suella blushes

Sulu: Oh, youuu guys!!

McCock: (interposing himself between Sulu and Pocks) Oover here, why not me, me me!

Boris 'Dim' Birk is completely forgotten as Birk's cabin..crew (with the exception of McCock) vie with each other not to be shoved into the 'hot-seat'

TO BE CONTINUED...