NITPIX presents a special edition of Clown's Court
sponsored by Old Bailey's Irish Liqueurs
The cast
Her Honour Judge Dee Redd
Mr. Corrt-Clerk – Court Clerk
Mr Fear-Stammer – Prosecution Counsel
Ms. Suella Braverperson – General Attorney & Counsel for the Defence
Mr Fausto Komme-Ings – Court usher
Boorish Jonnsson - Defendant
Mr. Dom 'Smash' Gee-Rabb - Boorish's Wingman
Ms. Laurie Kingsburger (a member of the press)
Mac(The Knife) Gofer - Boorish's Nemesis
Fausto Komme-Ings: All rise please. In the matter of Regina v Boorish Jonnsson: Her Honour Judge Dee Redd presiding.
(Judge Dee makes her way to the seat of Justice)
FK-I:The Defendant will remain standing, (for a hard arraign is gonna follow)*
Boorish leans over to Swella Braverperson:
BJ: I thought we'd fixed the Judge. I tried to shag Dee Redd in the quad at Ballyhole College, not realizing that she was a girly swat. This isn't going to go well, I fear.
SB: Ooh Boorish, you're so masterful! And so wise to engage me. ' I'd do anything!' as the song goes.
BJ: (looking bemused)(aside) OMG. Who sent 'Braveperson the Brainless' to represent me? I sense Mac 'The Knife' Gofer behind this. I really am in deep doo doo.
Cortt-Clarke: Are you Boorish Johansson of
The Flat
10 Drowning Street
London WC1 ?
BJ: (looking at Judge Dee and attempting a wink) I am Your Scrumptiousness...I mean Your Ladyship
Cortt-Clarke: Boorish Jonnsson you are charged with offences against the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'.
CC: On count 1: That between the dates of June 19th 1964 and July 17th 2021 you have shamelessly, repeatedly and systemically lied contrary to section 1 (Honesty) of the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'. How do you plead?
BJ: Wotsa white lie between friends (album parvum mendacium)**? Bozza is definitely Not Guilty there, Your Loveliness
On count 2 That on the 28th August, 2019 for personal gain you did lie to a vulnerable old lady in her home to wit one Brenda Windsor of Buck House, the Mall London SW1 contrary to section 2 (Integrity) of the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'. How do you plead?
BJ: (pouting schoolboy face) Wiffle, waffle, woffle. I may have over simplified things for her. She's a Nonagenarian, you know or 'Covid- fodder' as I like to call 'em. But Bozza's immaculate as the conception on this one too – Not Guilty, Your Otterliness
On count 3: That you did relentlessly, unconvincingly and evasively with verbal dodges and casual dishonesty avoid questions on payment of an invoice for fixtures and fittings at the flat 10 Drowning Street London SW1. contrary to section 3 (Accountability) of the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'. How do you plead?
BJ: Trifling amounts the 'Little Otter' takes care of all that stuff, anyway.
CC:How do you plea?
BJ: Umm errr....Can I pass on that one? Your Tastiness
On Count 4: That you did shamefully and repeatedly use offensive, racist language; in addition you failed to condemn those who booed the taking of the knee, whilst lending unwavering support to flunkies, who dismissed 'the knee' as 'gesture politics' contrary to section 4 (Leadership) of the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'. How do you plead?
BJ: Oh no! Not the 'Watermelon Smiles' and 'Piccaninnies' thing again. That was just a harmless Bozjest. No harm meant; no harm done eh?Your Eye-Candiness
On Count 5: That, as CEO of the newly formed company Chumocracy and Chums Ltd. you did cause a telephone call to be made to Sweller Designs, purveyors of bespoke home fashion accessories to award PPE contracts worth £163,000,000 (a company owned by a prominent Conservative party donor) contrary to section 5 (Openness) of the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'. How do you plead?
BJ: Peanuts! The Otter spends more than that on wallpaper (chortles at own joke). All contracts awarded in accordance with 'Bozza's covid emergency procurement procedureless procedures'. You're not going to get me on that one, Your Seductiveness
On Count 6: That you did recklessly and repeatedly embrace the view that 'SAGE Did Not Know Their ONIONS' by ignoring and acting against critical advice on numerous occasions between March 2020 and July 2021 contrary to section 6 (Objectivity) of the Probity in a Public Office Act 1995 aka 'Nolan's Law'. How do you plead?
BJ: Well tell me who in their right mind believes that NHS overwhelmed stuff? And let's face it it's only the over 80s who are popping their clogs. A Big Bozza Not Guilty to all that guff, Your Buxomness
Judge Dee Redd: (to Boorish) You failed to enter a plea on Counts 3, 4 & 5. A plea of Not Guilty will be entered on your behalf
BJ: Chuffed with that, Old Girl. Can Bozza step down now?
Fausto Kumming-Ings: (aside to Laurie Kingsburger , who's busy taking a selfie) He should have stepped down last March.
JD-R: No Mr. John-Thomas; We will adjourn for 1 week for you to prepare your fabrication.
Back in a Week's Time when The Trial continues. Will 'Bang'em Boorish' be caught Bang to Rights? Has the Blustering Bustard flown once too often too close to the Sun? Will He Go Quietly into that Dark Refrigerator? Do not miss Part 2 of Clown Court
*Ref Robert Zinneman
** Little white lies
That's all for now
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