NITPIX presents a special edition of Clown's Court (sponsored by Old Bailey's Irish Liqueurs) Part 2 – GIRLY SWOT goes a-swatting

 

NITPIX presents a special edition of Clown's Court

sponsored by Old Bailey's Irish Liqueurs

Part 2 – GIRLY SWOT goes a-swatting

The cast

Her Honour Judge Dee Redd

Mr. Corrt-Clerk – Court Clerk

Mr Fear-Stammer – Prosecution Counsel

Ms. Suella Braverperson – General Attorney & Counsel for the Defence

Mr Fausto Komme-Ings – Court usher

Boorish Jonnsson - Defendant

Mr. Dom 'Smash' Gee-Rabb - Boorish's Wingman

Ms. Laurie Kingsburger (a member of the press)

Mac (The Knife) Gofer - Boorish's Nemesis

Fausto Komme-Ings: All rise please. In the matter of Regina v Boorish Jonnsson: Her Honour Judge Dee Redd presiding.

(Judge Dee makes her way to the seat of Justice)

Judge Dee: Ms Braverperson you wish to address the Court . You may approach the Bench

Suella Braver Person: Oh do I? Well I suppose I do. You see I don't really know what I'm doing. It is quite different from planning law and even immigration, which of course is my major area of expertis,e but still it's rather fun, wouldn't you say, Your Honour?

BJ: (turning to his Wingman) OMG who appointed her?

JD: Will the defendant just shut up for once?

BJ: Righto! Just my little joke, your Glistening Ottership.

SBP: My client wishes to change his plea to 'Guiltyish', Your Honour.

JD: Mr Corrt-Clerk enter a plea of guilty on Mr Jonnson's behalf. I will retire to consider the 'bundle' and return Ms Braverperson for your mitigation.

BJ: Well, I like the sound of bundle. I haven't had a good bundle since I grabbed DC by the pogo stick when we won the final of the Inter-House Eton Wall game in '81. Mind you I had Darry Guppie on my side then. It's a pity he's not here now.

JD: It's not that sort of 'bundle' Mr. Boorish, but I think I can guarantee the outcome will be just as bloody.

JD retires... Later in her chamber

JD: Now let's see what we have here... errm... a Pre-Sentence Report – that will be useful; a Psychiatric Report, unlikely to tell me anything new; let's start with the PSR

Pre-Sentence Report

Name: Boris Kerfuffle Jonnson

DOB: Sometime in the past

Address: Flat B, 11 Drowning Street, London, WC1

Offence Details

Offences against the Probity in Public Office Act

Further Offences

You name it, he’s done it – and that’s without those Taken into Consideration

Dates

Since forever

Report Writer:   Ivor No-axe T’-Grind

Sources of Information

Mind your own business.

Offence Analysis

The basis for these offences lies (precisely) in the fact that, throughout his life, Mr Jonnson has never believed that rules and regulations others observe, apply to him.

Indeed, the only rules that Mr Jonnson follows assiduously are, ‘Me First’ and, when challenged, LIE, and lay the blame elsewhere

Assessment of Defendant

Well, where do I start!?

Mr Jonnson was an immigrant to our country – legally I believe, for once in his life- but has not assimilated particularly well; not so much because of his immigrant status but, ironically, because his desire to project himself beyond his capabilities means that only he deserves his fullest attention and devotion. Such a psychological construct and his early pronouncement that he wanted to be King of the World has served him well, to the detriment of others. However, amazingly, it is an example of fantasy become reality – or as near as damn it.

The defendant lacks… well, just about anything that would define him as a well-rounded individual – apart from his girth, that is. He preys on the old and vulnerable to the extent that they curl up at his feet in a swoon and, too late, realize they’ve been had – as has their universal benefit, free medication and TV licenses.

Assessment of Risk

The behaviour that has led to his appearance in the Clown Court has been, to all intents and purposes, a feature throughout his admittedly colourful life; in that sense he is beyond redemption, an incorrigible rogue of the worst kind. As a consequence, and in the unlikely event that he is found not guilty, I recommend he be held in preventive detention, at Her Majesty’s pleasure; and I have it on unimpeachable authority that it would certainly give Her Majesty a great deal of pleasure!

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Signed: Ivor No-axe T’-Grind- Probity Officer

 Judge Dee leans back in her chair. She muses

JD: 'Lies, 'Me First', 'Fantasy'... 'Boorish – The Ballyhole Bullshitter'- has not changed; not one jot; not one tittle.

So, let's see what does Dr RJ Hackenbush (BA, D Phil, Phd) (Marx University California) have to say about the real Boorish DeFeffel that hides beneath this Narcissistic Strutting facade?

Do not miss next week's episode of Clown Court.

 Travel with Dr. Hackenbush down the labyrinthine sewer of Boorish Jonnson's mind