Diary of a Nobody
Somebody by Nadine Zimbabwe (5) (after
George and Weedon Grossmith)
Separated at Birth: Nadhim Zahawi Nadine Zimbabwe
November 2nd
At last a bit of down-time, Dear Diary. The old trotters haven't touched the ground since I became Ed.Sec., or 'Head Honcho' as the delightful Mexican stable lass likes to call me. Williamson 'The Worm' said it was all a bit of a doddle – 'shove your tarantula under those teachers' noses and they start falling over each other to teach 24/7 and take a 50% cut in their hols.'... Nothing could be further from the truth, a more troublesome bunch of 'Wokes' you couldn't ask for.
Anyway, I'm in my 'study' (man cave) exploring a site best-rides-4-twenty-one (recommended to me by 'Doormatt' when I was up at Handcock Towers for the Newmarket gymkhana last week.)
Not quite what I was expecting, Handcock you naughty Boy!!! I am about to open up 'Tacshop-Sizzler-of-the-week' when Her Ladyship comes in unexpectedly with my evening mug of 'Horselicks'.
“Just boning up on pre-school progs in time for my first meeting with those pestilential primary school people, darling”
I'm saved by 'Burner phone 4' sounding off. (Since becoming Ed.Sec. I now have to carry 5 of the blighters everywhere)
“ Burner 4, now who is that?” I enquire of Lady Z
“ Naddy, you are priceless” she says indulgently (I know she adores me!) Don't you remember I gave each burner a different ringtone so you knew who was calling
Wall Street shuffle is 'Dishi Rishi'
Bluffin' with my muffin' is ' Madame Pushy' aka the Foreign Sec.
1812 Overture is Grees-Smugg
Champion the Wonder Horse is the PM
It's the PM on no.4, Nad!”
I snatch the burner from Mrs Z. “The Rt. Honourable Nadine Zimbabwe” I say (relishing the grandeur of my new title)
“Rex Mundi, here” comes the reply.
“Sorry. Old Chap. I don't know any Rexes, except for a rather fine hound at the Stratford hunt!!”
“Oh bloody hell, you are hopeless “ says the PM (I can tell he's jesting!) and then sotta voce “ Well I suppose that's why I employed you.
It's the password you fool. I say 'Rex'; you say 'Eton rifles'; I say ' My gun is primed ready to fire' then we both know it's safe to talk.
“Isn't it a bit complicated, PM” I say in my defence.
“ Well talking of complicated, things are a bit sticky at the moment. That's partly what I want to talk to you about. But first of all how's work on the new curriculum going?”
“I'm so glad you asked, Rex Mundi (I know how to butter the PM up!!) The curriculum for the under 7s is virtually complete. The equine theme is proving a winner. We've got the breaks and home time completely sorted. Elevenses break is now ' Playground canter-time'; Lunch break is 'nosebag time'; afternoon break (when they have become a bit frisky) is 'Horseplay'; end of school is 'stable time. ”
“Yes, I like that, Zimbo, especially Horseplay (Ha! Ha!).When do you feed it to the Primary School Piranhas?”
King Bozzer is itching to change the subject so doesn't wait for my reply.
“Thing is, Nad, Old Bean, there's been a bit of trouble with our Old Mucker 'The Patsy' Patterperson. Estimable fellow, except his lust for the filthy lucre surpasses the lust for the 'other' amongst some of my courtiers, I mean colleagues (no names ; no pack drill); in fact with 'The Patsy' the filthier the better.
I thought 'silly old fool; nose too obviously and too long in the trough'. Time to turn you into bacon, old son, I thought. Then just as I was about to send the butcher round, he storms into my office (I am launching an official enquiry into who let him in ... I have my suspicions he came via no.11) and starts quoting the scriptures at me. 'Let him without fault cast the first stone.' he says; then he gets threatening 'we wouldn't want 'Wallpapergate, or' Mustiquegate' or indeed 'ZacMarbellagate' to be unleashed, would we, PM.?'
Would you believe it? He does no more than exit through the front door of no. 10. “Fix it, PM; Find a way. Fix it or I may have to set the Spartans on you!” he shouts over his shoulder and marches off down Drowning Street. ”
“Very ugly, Prime Minister” I say sympathetically. “May I ask where I come in?” I add.
“ Well, you know how I have come to rely on you Naddster to get out and about to tread the boards. You are sans pareil at stonewalling. I've arranged a few interviews with the media for you. We wouldn't want this to escalate would we? We wouldn't want people to start asking questions again about, for example, heating stables at the tax payers' expense, would we Zimbo?
November 3rd
The solids have really hit the fan. Grees-Smugg and 'Dippy' Leadstrum have come up with the idea of changing the Rules on Standards and so getting the Patsy off the hook. This has back-fired worse than a cart horse's fart. Now I will really have to earn my corn if I'm to stonewall this one.
Silence from no. 10. I must say I'm missing the Barnard Bruiser; at least he told you what to say. You had to sift out the expletives and insults first but the message was always loud and clear. Feels like I'm being sent 'naked into the negotiating chamber' although there's no negotiation and no chamber. But you know what I mean, Dear Diary.
November 5th
Temperature in the Kitchen is heating up and I'm not referring to Lady Z cooking up my Gutbuster Breakfast. We nobbled those naïve Redwallers so that they all trooped dutifully into the lobby only for Rex Mundi to start doing handbrake turns and U-ees. I visited the Whips Office where there were lots of 'asses and elbows', 'piss ups and breweries' conversations going on. I tried to raise spirits by saying 'it's like the Grand Old Duke of York' but they said that sort of quip might go down well back at the stables but was in bad taste in the Bubble.
Good News is I'm on on Breakfast TV and later with Nick 'Formula 1' Ferrari at LBC shortly after.
Later – Both Interviews a complete triumph. I do love Breakfast TV, although no-one offered me Breakfast!! I put Old Ferrari in his place too. He didn't like it when I hit him with a Formula 1 quip ' Ferrari's not doing so well these days, eh?'...I am incorrigible! I do like to kick the wasp's nest.
November 6th I sleep in late. I think I've earned it. Lady Z appears with my tray and a new burner. Who is it? I enquire.
“Sounds like a blast from the past” says the Rt. Hon Missus mysteriously as she passes me the phone.
“ Hello, Fatso. It's Dom, the Durham Dynamo here. I just rang to offer my congratulations.”
“Well this is a surprise...”
Yes indeed. Have you seen the headlines? You surpassed yourself; you were truly awful -
“Dog's Breakfast as Ed. Sec. admits he hasn't done his homework: he didn't read the Standards Report before voting for change.”
“ Ferrari car crash – read the full interview as Ed.Sec. astounds listeners to Old Nick's programme with stunning revelation that “We are all human!”
“Oh god, what do I do, Dominator? You were always one step ahead when you were running things. What do you advise” I try to keep a note of pleading out of my voice.
Nothing to do, Zimbo. The Bozass will be ecstatic. You are the Fall Guy that just keeps on falling. You are the story now not the Schiesserfest that the Grees-Smuggster dreamt up.
You really don't understand how things work in the Barmy World of Bozzer's Blunders do you, Naddy?
“I suppose not. Miss you, Dom.”
“Don't they all?” Then the line goes dead...
#Friendsreunited?
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