Clemantics Scoop
Documents relating to the Partygate Investigation have come into our hands. Our solemn duty is to put them in the public domain.
THE MET, Policing Without Fear or Favour
'May The Force Be With YOU'
Met Police Questionnaire
Private & Confidential (leaks permitting)
The Met policing without fear or favour
(Please answer all questions honestly chummy, 'cos we know you have done it anyway)
1. Name ……………………………………….
2. Your real name………………………………………
3. Any aliases, past or present……………………………………… e.g. Grant Schapps/Michael Green
4. Have you ever attended an al fresco Strategy Meeting at no.10 chaired by Dilyn the Dog? Y/N
If yes, please rate his performance on the scale below
Top Dog.....................................Barking
5.How would you rate Tescos BYOB Special Chardonnay - £5.99 from Tesco’s Metro?
Great Value.................................Expensive at half-the-price
6. Would you take a bottle or two to future Al Fresco Strat Meetings?
Highly likely.... likely.....unlikely....very unlikely.....you 'avin a laugh?
7. How do you feel about the presence of a mini-fridge at Al Fresco Strat meetings at no. 10?
unchilled......chilled......cool.... super cool
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8. In what circumstances is a birthday cake a Strat 'energizing' gateau?
9. If you are singing Happy Birthday in the presence of a Birthday cake whilst at the same time washing your hands are you at a birthday party or a public health education event?
10. How many of the following Parties/Strat Meetings did you attend?
1? 2? 3? 4? 5? 6? 7? 8? 9? 10? 11? 12? The whole bally lot?
11. Have you ever attended a party that was so bad that you thought you were at a Strat meeting?
Please give details............
12. How many Al fresco meetings have you attended where participants have broken a child's swing?
10+.................5-10...............1 - 5............0
13. Would you consider becoming a Confidential Informant? (No £SD involved but there may be a little brown envelope in the post, nudge, nudge.)
14. Who brought the alcohol from the supermarket? - now, now, don't come the old acid, the truth, remember
15. At the Strat meetings/ parties you attended, name the other attendees /guests e.g. THE PRIME MINISTER
16.AT the Strat meetings/parties you attended, who imbibed alcohol? e.g. THE PRIME MINISTER
17.At the Strat meetings/parties you attended, who engaged in lecherous or lewd behaviour? e.g. THE PRIME MINISTER
18. At the conclusion of any Strat Meeting/Party, who engaged in a rendition of ‘Rule Brittania’ whilst wearing their trousers on their head? e.g THE PRIME MINISTER
You can't be serious........No...........Oh, my god, no........I need to consult my lawyer........
** Can you confirm, as of today, whether or not you have done the decent thing, thrown yourself on your sword, and resigned from government. IF NOT WHY NOT
Thank you for your response and for admitting, knowingly or otherwise, that you committed an offence under the ‘one rule for us, one rule for them’ regulations.
And Finally, Would you like to be advised of:
Future Offers Y/N
Future Questionnaires Y/N
Future Celebrations in SW1 Y/N
Or join our mailing list for a free copy of our 'house' magazine, Our Back Yard, including a special feature 'Leakable Confidentials' Our unofficial guide to when to Leak and when to Zip. Y/N
The Met Police is Proudly Sponsored by SPECSAVERS
“Party at no.10 ? – Nothing to see here; now move along please Ms. Kuenssberg.”
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