THE STOOL AND THE ART OF EFFLUENT MAINTENANCE

 

YET ANOTHER MODEST PROPOSAL

(Again thanks to Rev. Jonathan Swift)

THE STOOL AND THE ART OF EFFLUENT MAINTENANCE

The humble stool, little considered, but yet a constant in our lives – often after waking and before breakfast.

Once evacuated, we give little or no thought to its onward journey, even though it is a journey that has a singular impact on our environment and adversely affects activities, which are apparently health sustaining; although, to my mind, wild/cold water swimming seems a particularly unattractive activity when, say, compared to relaxing in a temperature controlled bath.

 

Be that as it may, I once thought the health of the nation to be a priority for any government, but it seems that such cherished thinking is both naïve and without virtue.

“Why is this?” you might ask. Is it that governments are unwilling to challenge the eminence of the market or that governments are stuffed with self-serving hypocritical egoists who don’t give a shit for the welfare of others? At this point I must apologize for the use of an expletive in this sentence, although given the subject of this piece it does seem appropriate.

Accordingly and somewhat disconcertingly, the resolution of this situation must, once again fall to us, the ordinary citizenry. The strategy I propose is relatively simple and straightforward and merely requires the evacuation of the bowels once every two days. To achieve this objective, I have taken inspiration from the process of “laying out” after death.

One of the elements of “laying out” is the necessity to plug various orifices – you might guess which they might be – in order to avoid a messy after death. By the same token, I propose that all citizens follow this process on the days when evacuation is specifically forbidden; urination will not be subject to any time restriction. 

 

Plugs of various sizes will be available from all supermarkets at government subsidized prices – if they can get their collective fingers out, not a pretty thought – and whilst size is important, you may still experience a mild level of discomfort. However, you might console yourself with the thought that you are part of a cohort determined to protect the world from becoming over stooled.

In the context of self-control, I must address the issue of, as the Bible so delicately puts it, the emission of wind from the anus. In this event, you will have permission to remove your plug but only for the purpose of farting and only for so long as it takes to complete the fart, at which point the plug must be re-inserted.

As stated previously, some discomfort cannot be avoided, as subsequent facial expressions will indicate. To assist in dealing with this issue, might I suggest you might want to follow the example of David Suchet in his role as Hercule Poirot, and clench your buttocks together as you walk. It may feel strange, but the spectacle of everybody walking in a mincing manner will give cause to some hilarity and distract from the discomfort.

 

No strategy for change is without it’s downside and this is no different. There will be increased absenteeism from work, productivity will fall and accidents will happen as demonstrated by the phrase “Oh shit” resounding throughout the nation.

This strategy is designed to reduce effluent flowing into our rivers and seas. The cost to the individual’s dignity and that of the nation will be high and will impact on our standing in the world, not that our standing in the world is any great shakes; not since Brexit anyway, but that’s another story

Perhaps the cost to our individual and collective dignity will be worth the price. But I earnestly beseech the government to throw off their laissez-faire attitude, take responsibility, before they too are plugged.

...And Quietly Flows The Pong...