The Real PMQs May 8th
Clemantics political correspondent, Gloria S Fookup, reports from the Chamber:
The Commons is in a febrile state. MPs for Toryland are in bouyant mood as they celebrate the Mayor of Teasmade's 'epic game-changing, corner-turning victory in 'Somewhere up t' North'
The Nodding Dogs of the Front Bench are already barking approvingly in anticipation of having there tummies tickled by The Supreme One, the One and Lonely, Rishmeister.
Portsmouth Lass, under full sail, floats into the Chamber and berths next to (but at a safe distance from) Uriah Dowding. Ms. Maudlin', perhaps unwisely has taken a couple of Cocodemol to get her through another session of HEADBANGERS 'R' US.
“My God Uriah” she whispers to Dowdy. I must be hallucinating, I keep seeing Natalie Hell-Phix perched on the Lefty Lawyer's shoulder.”
“OMG! I see it too” cries Uriah “What's the 'Stalin' of the Right' doing? Has the Rishmeister got her ' Sleeping with the Enemy?”
Pompey Lass in a tizz rushes off to warn the 'One and Lonely' before he enters the Chamber. Too late the Rishmeister is already installed, file-prompt in hand, trying to learn by heart a gag from the Bojo 'Handbook on Statecraft - '10 gags to get any place rocking'.
Lefty Lawyer is on his feet in no time wearing his usual 'cat-that-ate-the-cream' grin
“I'm sure the whole House will join me in welcoming the Union-bashing-Climate Change-Sceptic-School-Dinner-Denying, Ex-wife of the 'Gone but never Forgotten' Naughty Tory. Tthe woman who will always be found on the RIGHT Side of any argument. Yes, lets all welcome onto the Labour Benches the Dodgy Dover MP, Ms Natalie Airfix”
(shouts of Hear, Hear from Government benches; Not Here, Here from Opposition benches)
Lefty Lawyer goes in for the kill
“Will the PM, knowing that Ms. Air-Phix landed on the Labour Benches seeking asylum, wearing dainty size 6 footwear, say whether his plan to stop 'the Small Boots Crossing' is working?
(shouts of give the PM 'Das Boot' go up from both sides of the House)
The One and Lonely clenches his file-prompt in rage, seaching for a suitable riposte...then inspiration:
“Same old Lefty Lawyer, playing politics (Starmfurher caught bang to rights? ed.)
Does he not realize that without the deterrent of Rwanda, the Labour Benches would be over-flowing with Illegal Tories trying to escape an Oppressive Regime?”
The Nodding Dogs howl their approval. The Rishmeister is on a roll and continues
“ While Natalie Elphbitch's Mr Softie' is busy cosing up to Big Business, we're getting on investing £541,000,000 in Rwanda. While he's trying to learn the words to Rule Britannia, we're locking up illegal Iranian, Elite Cyclists and sending them to the Bibby Stockholm whilst confiscating their race bikes.
(a ghostly voice from 'Another Place' is heard to say 'Get on your bike and Look for work – Stormin' Norman Tebbitt? -ed)
Lefty Lawyer finishes his questions; smirks smugly, rolls his eyes, and mouths 'Job done' to Angie 'The Lip' Rayburn. He blows a kiss to Ms Air-phix on the bench behind him.
As proceedings descend into chaos, The Speaker, Mr Linseed Oil, calls upon 'The Nightmare Living on Your Street', the MP for Devices, Mr. Freddie Krueger
“Can the PM confirm that he is still offering 3,000 Smackers, free flights, and a luxury flat in Bongo Bongo Land for any ERG MP seeking asylum; if so would he put me, Billy Cash (but not for Questions) and Mimi Cates down for 3 seats in business class and a penthouse suite in Kigali?
At this moment a figure rises from his position in 'the Secure Unit of the Chamber (near the emergency exit) to make a Point of Order.
Mr. Linseed 'Oil : “Point of Order – from the MP for Assfield, Mr. Lee Neanderthal”
“ I know that you all think I'm just one Big Brick in the Red Wall, but I've 'ad enough, of all this Question Time nonsense,as have both my constituents, Sidney and Doris Bonkers . Why doesn't that Elphwitch just fook off back to La La land and take 'er 'Pervy Ex' with 'er. And while they're at it, why doesn't Mr. One and Lonely, just climb into 'is private whirlybird and fook off out of this shit-show?
Linseed 'Oil: Ordure ! Ordure....
PMQs
ends with Foggy Francoise leading the ERG
in a chorus of 'Land of
Dope 'n Tory'...
Dramatis Personae:
Prime Minister aka 'Mr One and Lonely'
Pompey Lass aka The MP for Portsmouth North
Uriah Dowding aka The Deputy Prime Minister
Nodding Dogs aka Members of the Cabinet
Lefty Lawyer aka The Leader of the Opposition
Angie Rayburn aka The Deputy Leader of the Opposition
Natalie Airfix aka the MP for Dover
Charlie Airfix, ex- husband of Natalie aka The Naughty Tory
Billy Cash aka MP for Stone
Freddie Krueger also known as 'Danny' aka MP for Devizes
Mimi Cates aka MP for Penistone & Stocksbridge
Linseed 'Oil aka Mr. Speaker
Lee Neanderthal aka MP for Ashfield
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