ClemantiCarol for Christmas Day

ClemantiCarol for Christmas Day

 

'God help us you're no gentlemen... Is this the price we pay!?

(To the Tune of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen…)

I.

The people they have chosen

Oh Lord what have they done?

Negotiations started

And we are on the run

The Brexiteers play hard and fast

But sense they all have none!

No tidings of comfort or joy

Comfort or joy

No tidings of comfort, or joy.

II.

Oh ye mindless Brexiteers

Please, just give us a break

The glory you imagine

Will end up in heart ache

Though Theresa May might get a deal

T’will be many, many years.

Oh gawd ye loathsome Brexiteers, Brexiteers

Oh gawd ye loathsome Brexiteers

III.

In Downing Street at number 10

The Blessed May resides

With ‘Phil at Home’ her anchor

Clasped safely to her side

She wrestles with the many pleas

But finds she can’t decide

Oh which way must she surely jump, surely jump?

Oh which way must she surely jump?

IV

Now to The May sing praises

For she is all we’ve got

Unless you want young Corbyn

But he cares not a jot

For Europe is to him a curse

Our saviour he is not

No tidings of comfort or joy (there)

No tidings of comfort or joy!

 

Service of 9 Carols and 9 Lessons

ClemAntics

ClemAntics Extends Seasonal Greetings to All Our Readers - May the Farce Be With You

You are Invited this Christmas to Share in:

The Festival of 9 Carols and 9 Lessons from St. Theresa's The Church of Our Lady of Duplicity, Maidenhead

Carol - The First --The Three Sh*ts

I saw 3 Sh*ts bring Brexit in

One bright June day, one bright June day

I saw 3 Sh*ts bring Brexit in

Now half the nation's in mourning

The First lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 1:

The promises of Leaders, who claim to be daughters of Church of England vicars must be taken with a generous helping of salt

Carol -the Second – Not-so Merry Gentlemen

God help us every working-man

There's plenty more to pay

with 40 billion for Brexit

And with inflation on the way

The Second Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 2:

Never trust a journalist who turns MP. Never trust a MP who turns journalist

 .

Carol -the Third – 'kin Wenceslas

Czech Labourer Wenceslas fcucked off home

on the Feast of Brexit

The fruit just lay round about

No workers left to pix it?

The Third Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 3:

Beware geeks bearing gifts of £350 million

Carol -the Fourth – Ha'way in a Manger

Be a dog in a Manger

Cut your nose off instead

No attempt to staunch the flow

As the economy bled

The Fourth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 4:

Never be DUPED by DUP – (Don't Underestimate Protestants)

Carol -the Fifth – The 3 Kings?

We 3 Kings of Mendacity are

Deceit and lie have served us this far

With falsity and fib we'll tickle your rib,

Kings of misrepresentation we are , we are…oh! Oh!

The Fifth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 5:

Never get caught between 2 Fools

Carol -the Sixth – In the Bleak Mid-Winter?

In the bleak mid-Winter

The nation's left to moan

Wages are still unfrozen

Sterling falls like a stone

The Sixth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 6:

The course of true love never did run smooth

Carol -the Seventh – Bethlehem

O let us live it down in Bedlam

Lets continue to live BoJo's lie

Though we're in deep; we're all just sheep

Let's just let it all pass by

The Seventh Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 7:

Talking through one's hat is a skill only few can perfect

Carol -the Eighth – Lully Lullay

Lully, Lullay, thou little Tiny Isle

somewhere off the coast of Europe

Bye Bye, Big world

Bye Bye, lully lullay

The Eighth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 8:

Time future has passed and Time past is time future

Carol -the Ninth – Joy to the World

Joy to the world! Brexit is come

Let Theresa make BoJo King

Bring on Gover with his broom

'Lord Help us!' let us sing

'Lord help us!' let us sing

'Lord Help us!' let us sing

'Lord Help us!' let us sing

The Ninth Lesson is taken from the Book of Proverbs 9:

In the evening when the sky grows dark in the West it is full of chickens flying home to roost

------------------------------------------------------------------------

But at this festive time of year let us not forget

• 130,000 children homeless and in temporary accommodation*

• Rough Sleepers up 134% since the Tories came to power*

• Rough Sleepers up 7% on 2016 to a new 10 year High*

• Almost 400,000 more children UK were living in poverty last year compared with 2012-13**

• 300,000 more pensioners in the UK were living in poverty last year compared with 2012-13**

*Figures from Independent Newspaper

**Figures from Joseph Rowntree Trust

Humpy discovers Less means More for Chancelborg

Welcome to Winter Clemantics - 'May the Farce be with You'

Humpy discovers Less means More for Chancelborg

Humpy Friss: Good morning and welcome to the TOADY programme. As Prime Minister Bliar once told me 'just move a few letters around and you have a completely new persona' or in our case a completely different show.

Humpy (continuing) First up this morning we have the Spreadsheet Wizard of Downing Street, the Chancelborg, Mr Philip Hammond

Humpy (still continuing) Morning Chancelbore – or may I call you Box Office?

Chancelborg: (in a metronomic voice) Most people do, Humpy...

Humpy: Well, Fiscal Phil, if I may call you that, you still seem aglow with the success of your second Hamm-Sham Budget

Chancelborg: (in an electrified monotone)Yes, Humpy, I am still excited, as no doubt everyone is, by the Big Idea in last month's Budget.

Humpy: (struggling to remember any big ideas) You mean Driverless Cars? 
 

Chancelborg: Exactly, Mr Friss, or may I call you the Welsh Terrier? I am talking Driverless Cars and the World of Less Means More, which lies beyond.

Humpy: Another example of Double D's Constructive Ambiguity? Tell us more, Chancelbore, or may I call you Eeyore?

Chancelborg: (ignoring Humpy completely) You see, My game-changing discovery is that if you simply add LESS to a word, the word becomes energised and works much better.

Humpy (sceptically) I see, so if you add Less to Leader of the Government, you get Leaderless Government and things start to work better?

Chancelborg: Right again, Humpy, or may I call you Welsh Windbag?

Humpy: (aside) I'm afraid that sobriquet was taken long ago...

Chancelborg: (now firmly in his stride) Precisely; The Government has been running Leaderless Cabinet Meetings (LCMs) for months now and they work a treat – just ask BoJo and the Gover!

Chancelborg: (with tedious enthusiasm) Now let me be clear, the opportunities offered by 'Less' know no bounds. Let me give you an example, Humpy:

We have a Problem with Doctors in the NHS. Just add Less and what have you got?

Humpy: Doctorless NHS

Chancelborg: That's right! Instead of hopping along to your GP or legging it into A&E, you just Dial up 111 – it's fast; it's easy; it's free! Want to know whether you are ill/dead/alive the New NHS Algorithm will tell you all you need to know (and in plain English too– if you get my drift)

As my Barely Honourable Friend Gover so rightly said:

“We've had too many experts interfering in our lives.”

Couldn't have put it better myself. Yes indeed, who needs Doctors, I say? Too long we have suffered from GP Tyranny, let's take back control of our diagnoses (and save shed loads of money-I estimate Doctorless NHS will save upwards of £350 million each week; money which can be handed over to pay for Brexit!)

Humpy: But sick people seem to be quite keen on Doctors...

Chancelborg (ignoring Friss and warming to his vision): Let me give you another example:

I've glimpsed the future and the future is Bobbyless Police Forces – Out goes the Bobby on the Beat; in comes our new 20 page 'Bobby Dazzler Offence Report Form' (BDORF) powered by the new 'Keep-u-Safe Algorithm'. At the push of a button it will tell you, if you've been burgled/assaulted/defrauded or not. And here's the pay off - It will automatically generate an Insurance Claim to ensure that everyone will be quids in.

As my Always Right Honourable Gover so wisely puts it

'Aren't we all fed up with experts delving into our expenses claims, our holidays in the Caymans and the Antilles on the pretext of bringing criminals to book?”

Or as the BoJJer wisely counselled

“ Lets put Bobby back in his box and take back control of our streets from the Boys in Blue”

Humpy: And, of course, 'Less' would solve the whole post-Brexit Border Control problem..

Chancelborg: Yes, indeed Humpy, or may I call you the Welsh Wacko? I've glimpsed the future and the future is - Driverless Trucks pulling up at Officerless Border Control Points. If there's anyone behind the wheel our Border Force HDR (Human Detection Robot) will know immediately that it's an illegal immigrant and will automatically trigger a deportation process by loudly repeating the message “F..k-off-back-home-to-EUland, Johann Foreigner!”

Humpy: Marvellous! But bringing us back to matters close to your Chancelbore heart, I suppose Taxless Billionaires would meet the 'Less is More criterion'. After all, not making Fat Cats pay tax will mean that they will generate more wealth and more employment to the benefit of everyone. Trickle down in operation...

Chancelborg: Don't be ridiculous, Humpy, trickle down is just magical thinking. It's simply a case of LESS taxes means MORE votes to keep us in power!

Humpy: So I suppose Chancelbore, or may I call you Spreadsheet Phil, you are hoping, like the Big Clunking Fist, that 11 LESS 1 = 10!! (Chortles heartily at his own joke). Chancelsnore, thank you very much.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brexiteers Fiddle while the NHS burns

Brexiteers Fiddle while the NHS Burns

"The NHS will last as long as there are folk left with faith to fight for it"

 

No society can legitimately call itself civilized if a sick person is denied medical aid because of lack of means.

Aneurin Bevan

 

Stop Press: New Health-care Policy Initiative

WIN WITH

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For £10 a month you'll be automatically entered into all draws to win these amazing Prizes:

• Super-Gurney-de-luxe – why not make that waiting on a trolley in A & E that little bit more comfortable?
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• Home Defibrillator – just plug it in and get switched on !
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Each Monday

is Super Senior Hip Replacement Day – 10 lucky punters jump that 18 week queue and join the BUPAs in one of our State-of-the-Art Theatres

Every Month - Monthly Dream Holidays - Our lucky 2 winners will travel to France or Holland on the Europhobe–Q-Hopper courtesy of Vitality Health for that cataract operation, carried out by Heer Ruud Helf and Monsieur Getan Eiffel *

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At £10 a punt it won't cost you an arm or a leg

Why play with your health?

or as the Secretary of State always says:

Why not?

* Heer Ruud Helf and Monsieur Getan Eiffel were working in the NHS but unaccountably returned home during the Brexit negotiations.

The Secretary of State would like to acknowledge his debt to The People's Post-Code Lottery for this grand policy initiative. JRSH

More Time to Spend with the Family

On Holiday with the Polly Patella Family

always ready for a knees up! (The old ones are the best).

Day 1

I’ve got a treat for us today, we’re going to visit a new Theme Park called Gollam Heights – yes, it’s something to do with the Lord of Everything We Survey!

And, with luck, we’ll run into Uncle Ben – no, not the ice cream man, the other one. Now, don’t be silly, you know I don’t mean Jerry!

Anyway, they’re opening it up just for us and although it will cost quite a lot for us all to get in, I’m told that all the money will go to a very good cause.

If you get lost don’t for goodness sake go down the hill and, remember, you can always trust the staff in their rather fetching olive green uniforms.

Now…what else?

Oh yes, the rides.

There’s the ‘Run for Cover Helter-Skelter’ – but it might be closed… it depends on the military sit’ rep’.

Then there’s The Dodgems - not just any old dodgems, but real tanks!

A rifle range – hit the target and win a Syrian refugee

What’s that? Can you take them home? Not if I’ve got anything to do with it!

What else? Oh yes, The Scenic Railway – the view is absolutely devastating, or devastated – depends if the staff are having an off day.

Oh, there are loads of things, even a fortune teller – but we won’t take that seriously, there’s nothing anybody can tell me about my golden future.

What’s that – what are we going to do tomorrow?

Well, unfortunately, mummy’s got to work but, I promise when we get home I really do think I’ll take more time off to spend time with you - my family

Come along then, time’s getting on...

Comment on Hearing Senate Republicans Pass Sweeping Overhaul of US Tax Code

Trump: Old English for release of evil smelling gas from the Anus 

 

 

We caught the Fart Administration's Chief and Faceless Spokesperson  Pluto the Plutocrat  over the microphone at a secret rally somewhere in the US

 

 

“Right, see. Our Presidential man has really come up Trumps at last (loud laughter off at this in-joke) We’ll finally fuck over the poor good and proper; we'll humiliate them en route by taking away those vanities of resistance they don’t need anyway like pride, self-respect and hope to ever have a better life. Huh! better life for those motherfucking losers, suckers, idle parasites, morons, piss poor protoplasm, wastes of space? 

We drive them to suicide or sleeping rough (which’ll kill then early anyway) or f..king off to some other country like Mexico. We don’t fuckington care!! Good riddance!!! Job done! No one else to blame but themselves! They do the job of getting rid of them for themselves and we…..can get RICHER and RICHER and those liberal, socialist fuckers won’t be able to finger us or get any legal action against us!! We can keep some of the poor useless bastards who support us and dream of getting rich some day themselves onside so it looks as if we’re fcuking democratic but well, the world is full of suckers like them too.

Hail to EVERLASTING WEALTH! Hail to EVERLASTING POWER & CONTROL!Hail to THE HONEYPOT OF CAPITALISM! Hail to THE CHIEF TRUMP CARD”