Government of all the Talentless

Government of All the Talentless

On February 11^th, 1806 Lord Grenville formed a National Unity Government, which he described as The Ministry of “All the Talents”. Prime Minister May has trumped his Lordship by convening a Government of All the Talentless.

As the Maybot seeks to shore up support by strangling the movement for a 2^nd people’s vote at birth, Clemantics has been conducting its own Vox Pop to see who you, the electorate, would vote for as the most disastrous appointments to May’s Government of all the Talentless.

In at number 5 – The (very) Right Hon. Andrea Loathsome MP.

 

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Loathsome, voted by her peers as runner-up to Chris Gary-Ling as the ‘MP you would least like to get caught in a lift with’, is author of the best-selling, post-truth guide to getting a job ‘How to have fun with your CV’. In it she illustrates how her ‘Plus 1’ strategy propelled her to the top.

“When I was at the Bank, I told everyone I was Director, when in fact I was only Deputy Director put in charge of paper-clips... it always pays to exaggerate a tincey-wincey bit, as long as you do it with a winning smile!”

Where’s Andry? The number 1 secret to success, Loathsomeship opines, is to join a party where your embarrassment quotient is an asset.

‘Once you prove yourself incompetent, they just keep promoting you until no-one knows, which department you’re in charge of, or where to find you’ for example, I was offered the Chancellorship of the Duchy of Lancaster – a non job with a great salary and good photo opps. Unfortunately, Dave You-must-be-Kidding-Ton, pipped me at the post!”

The Wisdom of Loathsome

• Don’t worry about contradiction – contradiction is opportunity:
  Only a short time ago (April 2013) I stuck it to the press by saying “I think it (leaving the EU) would be a disaster for our economy and it would lead to a decade of economic and political uncertainty.” A little more than 36 months later, I’m driving the battle bus to remove red tape of Brussels, control our borders (although’ Boris is one of our public school boarders, we’ll never be able to control – note that’s a joke! – a sense of humour is another asset, they tell me) and shouting ‘C’mon Boys get us outta Europe’
  
  
• Never be afraid to ask the BIG questions
  When I took over at Energy (Plus 1 principle, I was in fact no.2!). I called my Civvies together and demanded ‘Is Climate Change real? Is fracking safe?’ One of the Civvies looked blankly at me and replied ‘We thought, Minister, you might have examined the answer to those questions before you took the post’. Needless to say, I gave him a taste of what global warming is going to feel like!!
  
  
• Give the punters (or at least the party donators) what they want
  Subsidies to Wind Farms; targets for renewables; fox hunting bans; gay marriage – Andrey says ‘they can all frack off!’
  
  
• Never be afraid to state the ‘bleedin’ obvious
  Andrey’s ‘best in class’ bleedin’ obvious quote – “We know that paedophiles are attracted to working with children”... need I say more...Except perhaps that this revelation went down a storm at Conference but got a rather stony reception at Synod – still trying to work out why – God knows!

What do Loathsome’s friends say about her?

• Bob ‘diamond geezer’ Diamond, Bank Exec. – the trouble with Loathsome’s claims is “ they are misleading people into believing that she (Andrey) has finance and management skills and experience, which qualify her for senior posts in Government’
• City Minister (name withheld) – “a disaster...the worst Minister we ever had. She found it difficult to understand issues or take decisions.”
• Ken Clarke – “So long as she (Loathsome) understands that she's not to deliver on some of the extremely stupid things she's been saying..."
• The Speaker - “Stupid woman... f*****g useless...f*****g outrageous”

Gaffometer -

(We fed AL’s best 4 gaffes into our gaffometer, which provides a ‘gaffreading’ 1 to 5. The higher the number the bigger the gaff)

• On introducing the new £10 note - ‘Jane Austen is one of our greatest living authors’ (Rees Mogg, Minister for the 18^th c. is probably the only MP who could have got away with this comment)
• “The child of a single-parent family is 70% more likely to have problems at school and even to become a drug addict or a criminal”
• “The self-indulgence and carelessness of non-committed adult relationships is proving fatal to the next generation.”
• Broadcasters (admonishing Emily Maitlis) “Broadcasters should be a little more patriotic.”

Gaffometer reading 4.5

Andrey Loathsome – The mother of all gaffes

Brexit Us

A Song for Europe

Brexit Us by Bob Barmy and the Railers

Brexit- Us! Movement of yah people?

Oh! Oh! Oh yeah...

Bojo and Moggwitch use Ya and bring Yah down.

When ya see yah light,

These Boys just tell yah

You’ve got it wrong.

Everything is ‘Hard Right’

So we gonna walk away, all right?

No more manipulations

Across the generations

No more tribulations.

Brexit-Us, Movement of the people?

Oh yeah! Yeah! Yeah...

Open up your eyes and look!

Are yah satisfied (with the Brexit yah gettin’?), Uh?

Yah know, over a cliff yah goin’.

Brexit-Us don’t care where ya from

As long as y’all leavin' Babylon

Y’all goin’ to Bojo Fairyland.

Brexit-Us! Movement of yah people?

Sent us a Bullshit Bojo

There for all to see

Sent us a Mad Moggwitch

As whacky as whacky can be.

Brexit-Us: it’s the ‘Hard Right’

Manipulation of yah people

Oh yeah...ooh yeah, Hard Right

Lies for all yah people

Open up your eyes

And look at him

A bloated Narcissus with a

Crocodile grin.

He don’t care where yah from

Or whether you’re  leavin’ Babylon

Y’all there to take him to Fairyland.

Brexit-Us

It’s the Hard Right

Brexit-Us

Now, Now, now....etc. etc.

With Thanks to the Late Great Bob Marley

More Ramblin'

Quote of the Week

"No matter how they enforce Brexit, the British identity is dwindling.It's really theidea of English Identity that needs to be addressed now. That English colonial racism is still there. Look how Enlishness presents itself at the World Cup. They are always convinced that they are going to win and immediately start singing Rule Britannia. It's crazy. The colonial racism is still there. It's embedded."

More Ramblin' across Borders

Well my old darlings, I’ve been away for a while blowing through the jasmine of my mind!

Yes, I know that’s a line from an Isley Brothers song but I’ve been angsting about how to start this piece for ages and it’s the best I could come up with – lovely song by the way.

Anyway, anyway, having re-entered the world so to speak, I rather wish I’d stayed wherever it was I went to (Sorry, that’s really clumsy and no doubt breaks all kinds of grammatical rules – bear with me I’ll get into my stride in two shakes)

So,(Christ, I really hate this modern obsession with starting every sentence with “So”, and what with that and parroting the Australian preoccupation of finishing every sentence with a question mark, no wonder the world’s in such a state!)

I know that’s a bit of an overstatement, but the world is in a state.

So(!) let’s start with Brexit. No, let’s not start with Brexit. Let’s start with the fact that that as an individual with little or no influence about what’s happening in the country, I am sometimes overcome with anger and a sense of hopelessness; which, by the way, aptly describes, at least up to the suffix –ness, the ineptness of the current crop of politicians!

So(!), I have to admit that, even so, I’m a politics programme nerd; Politics Live, Newsnight, Marr, Peston, Prime Minister’s Questions. I watch the lot.

So(!), the only one I recuse myself from watching (a touch of Jeff Sessions coming in there!) is Question Time; the reason being that I always end up screeching at the telly No, not because of the fatuousness of the panel, although that’s a given, but because of the audience.

So(!), yes the audience. I am constantly bemused by the ignorance and sheer bloody mindedness of my fellow citizens to consider developing evidence that points to remaining in the EU as the most sensible, logical and rational decision, and then acting on it.

So(!), I have long thought that human beings – and perhaps most especially English ones – have a surprising ability to ignore evidence in favour of belief systems based on the desire to hold to a position no matter how untenable; prime examples of this, in relation to Brexit (shit) negotiations, is the oft heard comments “Just get on with it” and “Why don’t we just leave?.

So(!), these seemingly worthy burghers refuse to countenance the legitimacy of contractual obligations and presumably stop paying their rents or mortgages when they’ve decided they have been “…told what to do once too often”. Duh!

Or, (I’m getting really fed up with that”so “word) they take the view something akin to saying:

“I’ve had enough of my right hand not knowing what my left hand is up to so (whoops), I’ve decided

the left hand has got to go.

And then:

“But that will lead to all kinds of unwanted consequences. You’ll be unable to do anything that requires two hands; you won’t be able to hold a fork; you won’t be able to do an authentic Mexican wave and, finally, you are, of course left handed!

“I don’t care, I’ve made my decision and it would be undemocratic of you to persuade me otherwise”

SOME LATER

“Ooh, I didn’t realise that I couldnt……………..”

So(!), I’m feeling just about rambled out. But before I go let me end with a quote from John Maynard Keynes who said on changing his mind:

“When I get more evidence, I sometimes change my mind”

 

Evidence, citizens, evidence!

 

Another fine Grayling Cock up

 

On hearing the news of Government's 'bail out' of Community Rehabilitation Companies (CRC)

 This Be Far Worse

He'll fuck it up will Grayling

He may not mean it; he has no clue

He fucked it up at Justice

Now he's fucking the railways too.

But he is fucked up in his turn

By a Toff in old style hats and coats

Who loves to make his Tories churn

And keeps them at one another's throats

Each Department hands Graystoke misery on

It deepens like a coastal shelf

Lord keep you lusty if he can

 - he's gonna end up at Health.

  

With thanks to Philip Larkin