Part 3 – GIRLY SWOT goes a-swatting (2) - Boorish Psychiatric Report

 

NITPIX presents a special edition of Clown's Court

sponsored by Old Bailey's Irish Liqueurs

Part 3 – GIRLY SWOT goes a-swatting (2)

The cast

Her Honour Judge Dee Redd

Mr. Corrt-Clerk – Court Clerk

Mr Fear-Stammer – Prosecution Counsel

Ms. Suella Braverperson – General Attorney & Counsel for the Defence

Mr Fausto Komme-Ings – Court usher

Boorish Jonnsson - Defendant

Mr. Dom 'Smash' Gee-Rabb - Boorish's Wingman

Ms. Laurie Kingsburger (a member of the press)

Mac (The Knife) Gofer - Boorish's Nemesis

Mrs. Overall – Judge's Factotum

Door opens onto Judge's Retiring Room. Judge Dee looks up from her papers

Judge Dee: Come in Mrs O. Just looking over the reports on Boorish J.

Mrs O:

A nice cup of tea and one of my macaroons, your Ladyship? Such a cheeky chappie that Boorish, don't you just loov' im?

JD:

Err, yes, if pumped up lying toads are your bag, Mrs O. We Girlie Swots at Ballyhole used to call him BLUE Boorish – Biggest Liar Unsavoury Egotist – not one to share a taxi with when returning home after a supper in the Refectory. Put the tea down there, dear. I must press on. I've just read the Boorish PSR.

These Probation Jonnies (and Jeans) always try to say something nice about defendants but they seem to have struggled to say anything positive about the Breathless Boner.

Now let's see what the 'Shrink' has to say...

First of all I must remind myself of the difference between SOCIOPATH and PSYCHOPATH. Now where's that handy acronym? Rifles through her papers

Ah! here it is... DIB, DIB, DIB, DOB, DOB, DOB (The Wolf Cub's guide to Sociopathy and Psychopathy)!

SOCIOPATHIC - TRAITS

1. Driven quest for power

2. Irresponsibility

3. Behaviours that seek love and admiration

4. Deceitfulness

5. Impulsiveness

6. Bottomlessly Self-serving

PSYCHOPATHIC - TRAITS

1. Deeply callous and lacking empathy

2. Obsessive, pathological lying

3. Bloated, grandiose sense of self

    

4. Director and only actor in his own show

5. Obfuscating, conning and manipulative

6. Brazen sexual promiscuity

D.D.:

Well! Well! As Theresa (the Wild One) of Maidenhead once said in Parliament “ Remind you of anyone?”

The Psycho Report

Re- Mr Boorish Kerfuffle Jonnsson

Flat B

11 Drowning Street

London SW1

I have had a chance to examine Mr Boorish Kerfuffle Jonnsson on two occasions and this is the basis of my report.

I am a qualified Medical Practitioner and Professor of Psychiatry at the Toe/Knee/Hand/Cock Clinic East Cheam Psychiatric Hospital, Railways Cuttings, London SE25.

Mr Jonnsson presented as a man of indeterminate age with an affected 'baby face' look and dishevelled hair which, in a moment of candour, he said he deliberately cultivated to appear endearing and vulnerable. In other respects he struck me as the very opposite of that, a character beneath the persona of a tough and calculating opportunist. This 'puer aeternus' or 'eternal boy' he said had served him well down the years in ensuring attention from his mother as the first born child (of four) during the time the family moved between the USA, Oxford and the USA again.

He tells me the family settled finally in he West Country but that his father Stanley 'the Knife' Jonnsson was frequently away so his care was left to his mother assisted by a series of au pairs. He had some hearing impairment as a child but reports to have been intellectually bright. Checking out biographies of him, notably Gilly Edward and Jonathan Easy's 2008 book "Boorish v Ken: How Boorish Won London" he is described as having ambitions of being "world king".

Reports from his schooling at Eaton Collegiate suggest a bright but indolent scholar with more aspirations than applications. He got into Ballyhole College where he was thought of as cultivating an "eccentric English persona". This like his 'eternal boy' was another facade to cover the underlying insecurities in his background. His mother suffered from clinical depression probably aggravated by the 'waywardness' of her husband Stanley-the-Knife. The couple separated and divorced in 1980.

My patient tells me this had minimal effect on his sense of sense of himself and that he always prided himself on a "tough, shining and resilient ego". However, looking into his background a little further Mr Jonnsson seems to have repeated the exact pattern of his father in his waywardness of his relationships; he seems unsure exactly how many children he has as well and is in little contact with most of them.

His grandfather on his father's side was Turkish and absent from the family for much of his father's upbringing though here the family origins are somewhat obscure. It seems the anglicised name came from an aunt who brought the children up.

Assessment

I found Mr Jonnsson charming and jokey but in a superficial way. He said he enjoyed his ability to argue a situation from very opposite directions a skill he applied as a debater at school and university. However, he never gave me any sense of what his authentic and genuine perspective was and seems to be guided by calculated opportunism and disloyalty to any but a few key persons. There is a definite touch of what is commonly known as the "Jekyll and Hyde" syndrome. He is a man without a moral compass or core of integrity. This is more commonly described as a 'narcissistic personality disorder'.

This man is an irredeemable user and abuser. I do not believe any option the court has at its power will bring about change. He is reckless and dangerous. I gather the incarceration facility that held Napoleon for several years, St Helena in the South Atlantic, is available. However it has a population of over 4000 who may be susceptible to Mr Jonnsson's manipulations. Tristan de Cunha might be a better possibility. However I gather our esteemed Home Secretary is also looking at this site to house 20000 migrants so this may disqualify.

Mr Jonnsson is already an island, so might best be cast adrift in the Atlantic Ocean to drift wheresoever his fate takes him.

Your faithfully,

Dr RJ Hackenbush (BA, D Phil, Phd) (Marx University California)

JD: Well it looks like Doc Hack'n'bash has caught His Boorishness bang to rights. You can fool some of the people some of the time with your 'I'm just an ageing but amusing Bullingdon Boy' schtick but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. I fear, Boorish, your Dorian Gray moment is at hand...

 

 Don't forget to tune in to next week's episode of CLOWN COURT, Can Sweller (I'll-say-anything-you-like-providing-the-price-is-right) Braverperson pull off the impossible and mitigate successfully on Boorish's behalf OR will the clang of the prison gates be ringing in Boorish's ears ?

 

The Parable of the New Gaderene Swine - a reading from the Letters of St. Andrew of Burn'em to the Corbynistas. Chapter 1 verses 1 to 14

 

The Parable of the New Gaderene Swine

 

Today's reading is taken from the Letters of St. Andrew of Burn'em to the Corbynistas. Chapter 1 verses 1 to 14

1. And there was great wonder amongst the people as the man named Barmy Boris came down from a mounting to the earth below. 'What is this place?' enquired Boris the Barmy of the Reptile by his side.

2. 'It is the North or to be precise it is Salford-in-Redwall' replied the Evil Lizard, brandishing his trident. 'All this can be yours.'

3. 'A tempting offer, Old Chum, but isn't it a bit desolate. I'm more of a Gamorrah type myself.'

4. And Lo, as he spake these words, Carrie-Ann, The Angel of Mercy appeared before His Barminess. 'Oh, cripes, what brings you here? complained the King of-all-I-survey ' I thought you were in the desert saving our canine friends.'

5. 'I have come to cleanse your soul and save the planet as well. So much to do...so little time.'

6. 'Avert your eyes; close your ears, your Barminess' advised the Reptile 'I offer unbridled lies, effortless obfuscation, more Vanity Projects than you have children. In short, King of the World status indefinitely.'

7. 'Silence fiend, Get thee back to the Duchy of Lancaster or Aberdeen whence thou camest. I will cast out the wicked demons, which inhabit Boris the Barmster.'

8. Oh must you?' pleaded Boris ' Just as it was getting interesting.'

9. Now it happened that a host most porcine were abiding in the same metropolitan area as Salford-in-Redwall. 130,000 over-fattened pigs were at the same time thrusting their noses in the trough in nearby Munchester.

10. Su-snack, the Swineherd was feeding the hoggish assembly. Squeals of delight could be heard for miles around. Susnack, who loved nothing more than making pigs happy poured more and more swill into the troughs.

11. On hearing these noises, the Angel of Mercy flew into a rage. I will cast out Barmy's demons into these mindless swine. It will solve the ageing pig problem and put Su-snack's nose out of joint at the same time.

12. Carrie-Ann turned to Boris the Barmy ' Out demons, out!' she commanded. There was a piteous wailing as lies of Brexit, dodgy covid deals, immigration obfuscations, and a multitude of plain porky pies spewed out of the mouth of the Barmster.

13. The Demons made straight for Su-snack's troughs where they were eagerly gobbled up by the greedy, unknowing pigs. Instantly, grunts of delight were replaced by hysterical squealing. The pig host then, as one, foresook their troughs, rampaged through the streets of Munchester and Salford-in-Redwall before throwing themselves headlong into the Munchester Ship Canal.

14. Not one of the 130,000 survived. And there was weeping and wailing in the Northern Lands as the Pork Scratchings Famine continued for 40 days and 40 nights.

Here endeth the lesson.

Diary of a Somebody by Nadine Zimbabwe (1) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

 

Diary of a Nobody Somebody by Nadine Zimbabwe (4) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)

                                                  Separated at Birth: 

Nadhim Zahawi                                       Nadine Zimbabwe

October 1^st:

Dear Diary I have neglected you dreadfully. But to be honest my feet have hardly touched the ground over the last two weeks. The Right Honourable Lana (the Lady wife) has just locked me in my study with a mug of horlicks (or Horselicks, as we jokingly call it) and instructed me not to come out until I am up-to-date with my entries!

“Naddy, Azizakam” she says to me “ The day will come when you will have to take to your Shepherd's Hut to write your memoirs, then you will thank me” As the key turns in the lock, I shout out my appreciation.

”Remember the old Kurdish saying 'The lazy fat camel must be whipped to make him move' she says as she goes down the stairs making swishing noises'.

Of course she's right, now that the sky is the limit, I must keep an accurate record of events for posterity. So this is how Boris' 'Night of the boning knives' unfolded:

September 12^th

Yours truly is down at the stables mucking out with his favourite stable girl, Tawanda (somehow I've managed to keep it from 'The Prit Stick' that she hasn't got a visa).

“Oh Mr. Right Honourable, I love it when you sing to me...Please can we have 'Cheery Stable Lad' again.” she says leaning delightfully on her broom. Of course, I oblige (what can a red-blooded male do?)

“I'm just a cheery stable lad

Shovelling shit is what I do

Ask me who do I do the shovelling for

My answer's I haven't a clue...”

Before I set off on verse 2, my 'burner' phone starts vibrating in my jodhpurs. It's the Turnip (Dom Raab). Naddy's antennae are immediately on red alert, as before the Karate Kid has only ever sneered at me across the cabinet table. God knows how he got hold of my number.

“Shalom Fatso, I mean Nadine, didn't I always say that we 'Men of the Diaspora' must stick together? Well, I've just been with the PM and it seems that Private Pike, the Yorkshire Twitter, is at last due for the chop. I've put in a word for you as the next Sec of State for Education.

You know, you have been an outstanding Vax Czar. The PM loved your 'Get a Vax, less painful than a Bikini Wax' campaign

“Well, I did nothing really...” I reply. (wondering where this is going)

“ Well exactly, just what the PM hoped for! Anyway, I was thinking that maybe one good turn deserves another. Cards on the table, my old soul mate, I'm in a spot of bother thanks to those Taliban Tossers. No 10. seems to think that it was 'unwise' to be topping up my tan on the beaches of Heraklion when Kabul was about to fall – a bit rich when he and Nut-Nut are always off on some freebie. Then there was the whole paddleboard affair. Some Papadopulos offered me a test drive for free. How was I to know that he was undercover from the Athens Bugle? As soon as I climb aboard, out comes his Nikon, he's snapping away and next thing the pictures are syndicated and posted across the globe.”

 

“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts! So now you're up shit Greek without a paddleboard” I quip.

“ Too right. Two-bit Truss has been trying to ease me out for a while now. Whenever there's a glitch at the Foreign Office, Boner Boris starts goading me with talk of the need for a more explosive TNT (Tits'n'Teeth) diplomacy. Did you know that the Trussler has a daily call to no.10. According to the Civvies, there's always banter and lots of giggling at both ends? You'd do well to keep on the right side of her, Naddy.

Anyway to continue, you know how the PM's brain sinks below the belt when it comes to attractive women. I was just talking the Bojjer round nicely about this Afghanistan thing when Princess N-N barges in. She goes up to Bojjer gives him a slap.

“What are you doing cozying up to him? You should be whipping Black-Belt's Khyber Pass” She turns to me and says 'You're dead meat Mr. Rabid we're calling in a girl to clear up your mess.

What's more, since operation Vax Max has been such a success, we've got a new 'hard man' in our lives, haven't we Bozzy Bear?” She gives the Bojjer another slap. “Go on tell him about The Bankok Bruiser.”

“ She's referring to Nadine Zimabwe. We're sending Gav 'The Spiderman' back to Scarborough to work on his new big idea 'green fireplaces'. The Missus says we need a brain-challenged heavyweight to soak up the punches coming in from the Teachers' Unions, Nadine fits the bill.

“I rather like that Bankok Bruiser. I've got a mare in foal...” I muse thoughtfully

“Oh not you as well...” says the Dominator

I ignore this interjection “I think that has to be our new horsey's name. I can just see Stratford Gymkhana 2023:- ' ...and it's Bankok Bruiser coming up on the rails; it's Bankok Bruiser by a length from 'Up the Khyber'...

(The Turnip gives a forced laugh)

“ Well, here's the point, Nad, my ole Bestie. I've been told to fcuck off out of the fcucking FO so I need you to put in a word to stop me being completely shafted by the Princess.

“Ooh! I don't know, what can I do? “ I replies (I understand the rules of this game!!). Can't see much in it for me. “

“Let me put it this way, a certain Romanian stable lass sent me some interesting pictures, which might be of interest to the 'Princess' and would certainly be dynamite in the hands of The Priti Poisonous, Home Secretary'...Now look Nadster, I'm a pragmatist; I know how to do Real-Politik.

“Sorry, Turnip, Spanish football is all Greek to me (Ho! Ho!); Point-to-Point, National Hunt – now that's a different matter...” says Zimbo (at his witty best!!)

“ I'm just ignoring that” mutters Turnip “I think with your super-powers of persuasion – I'm thinking your star turn with Mme Konigsburger of the BBC – You could persuade Princess to see her way to making me Deputy PM, if I step back from diplomatic duties. (In fact, it would be a relief not to have to deal with Johnnie Foreigner)

At that precise moment (is it fate?) burner phone 2s ring-tone starts belting out “ No-reins, like a painted wild mustang...”

“ Sorry Dim Dom” I expostulate. That's the PM's hot-line; I've gotta go...

Don't miss the next instalment of 'The Diaries' in which Nadine (Zimbabwe – not Dorries!!) receives a call from No. 10 and Zimbo discusses his 'novum curriculum' with the Bojjer