The Secret PPE Files

 

The Secret PPE Tapes

As the Covid Enquiry ploughs irresistibly on, Clemantics is happy to report that recordings of conversations held on the PPE VIP hotline have fallen into our hands. We are privileged to bring them into the Public Domain.

Scene: Room 101 somewhere in the bowels of the Department of Health and Social Care

The Hotline Answer Phone:

Hi! You are held in a queue. Your call may be important to us. Please hold the line. In the meantime, enjoy the music (we think you'll like it!) Life in the Fast Lane by the Eagles plays on a loop

DHSC Official:

Well Hello, Ozzie the Official here and welcome to the VIP hot line, where we make dreams come true for the few or at least stuff your trousers with so much lucre you won't be able to walk home. Now how can I help?

A Punter:

To be honest; I'm not interested in the money. I've 20 years experience of providing PPE, so I know how to get hold of the necessary garments etc.

DHSC Official:

Well, I am sorry to hear that. Anyway, moving on. I have 5 Questions to put to you. I must warn you that your answers will determine exactly how fast you will speed down that ole' fast lane.

Question 1: Do you have any previous experience of PPE? You've already answered that. I'm afraid it was the wrong answer. We're looking for people, who won't get caught up in red tape like quality control, trading standards etc.

Question 2: Do you have a shell company with Off-shore bank accounts?

A Punter:

No, I don't have either of these. Are they strictly necessary?

DHSC Official:

Well, yes, I'm afraid they are. I would have thought that was obvious. Let's proceed.

Question 3: Do you know or have you ever enjoyed Ugandan Conversations with a Government Minister?

A Punter:

No, I've generally steered clear of politicians but this crisis is so great, I thought that I would bite the bullet for the sake of the greater good. I don't speak Swahili, by the way, whatever that's got to do with anything.

DHSC Official:

You really are rather 'Old School' aren't you Mrs. Punter?

Question 4: What Percentage of profits would you be thinking of donating to a Charity of your choice, say a Major, historically successful Political Party?

A Punter:

I wasn't actually seeking to make a profit, just to cover my overheads, I think that's better than a charitable donation, don't you?

DHSC Official:

Moving right along.

Question 5: The Department has acquired a huge consignment of black bin bags. Would you be able to pass these off, I mean make modifications so that they can be sold as PPE?

A Punter:

That's preposterous and immoral. I would not dignify the question with an answer.

DHSC Official:

Is that non-answer your final answer? A. Punter confirms that it is.

Then let's see how you've done – you've given the wrong answer to all the questions, save the one you didn't answer at all. I'm afraid you're absolutely no use to us. You see the algorithm tells me that you are 'squeaky clean'. 'Squeaky Clean' is the last thing we need for PPE!!

DHSC Official:

Well Hello, Ozzie the Official here. Welcome to the VIP hot line, where we make dreams come true for the few or at least stuff your trousers with so much lucre you won't be able to walk home. Now how can I help?

A Pub Landlord:

Bless my Rub-a-dub! I thought I was on the blower to The Brewery to find out what has happened to my consignment of Greene King. Who the hell are you?

DHSC Official:

This is the Covid PPE VIP hotline. If you answer a few simple questions correctly, we can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

A Pub Landlord:

In that case, me old China, ask away.

DHSC Official:

That's settled then.

Question1: Do you have any previous experience of PPE?

A Pub Landlord:

Oh Yes! Pumpkin Pie with Eels it's our signature dish. We are a Gastropub, you know.

DHSC Official:

Actually I was referring to Personal Protective Equipment.

A Pub Landlord:

Knock me down with a feather. Never heard of it.

DHSC Official:

Excellent answer. Just what I wanted to hear. Try this one.

Question 2:Do you have a shell company with Off-shore bank accounts?

A Pub Landlord:

Now ain't that strange? My local MP was in my pub just the other day. He taps his nose and says 'Ted, ever thought of opening up an off-shore bank account? I think you should have one.' He gives me the number for a bank in the Dutch Antilles. So Bob's your uncle, I now have one.

DHSC Official:

Splendid. This looks very promising. I think if you can answer the next question correctly, we can dispense with all the others.

Question 3: Do you know or have you ever enjoyed Ugandan Conversations with a Government Minister?

A Pub Landlord:

Oh yeah, like I said, Old Handjob is often in my pub. I wouldn't say we were Besties, just close.

DHSC Official:

Well, that's simply spliffing. I will pass you on to the Treasury with a recommendation of 100 Big Ones. Just remember my name – OZZIE- when the kite lands in your account.

DHSC Official:

Well Hello, Ozzie the Official here and welcome to the VIP hot line, where we make dreams come true for the few or at least stuff your trousers with so much lucre you won't be able to walk home. So, who's on the line?

A. Noble:

It's Meesh, just a working class lass, but you can call me Your Ladyship. So how do I get my hands on this lucre?

DHSC Official:

It's rather easy. You just need to answer 5 questions correctly. Oh, wait a minute. Are you Moaning Meesh from somewhere up North?

A. Noble:

That's me, Chucky Egg

DHSC Official:

Oh, I'm sorry to have delayed you with my rambling, I am instructed to put you through to the Hotissimus hot line. Just hold the line; one moment...

A. Bozzer:

Wha; Wha! Who's the lucky girl who's come straight through to the Greased Piglet? Is that you Meesh...

The IgNobel Prizes 2025 hosted tonight by The Donald

 

The IgNobel Prizes 2025

hosted tonight by The Donald

The Donald:

 Welcome to the first IgNobel Prizes awards. I must congratulate myself on replacing the out-dated Nobel thing with my own bigly better, beautiful awards brought to you, courtesy of my Genius technicians (technicians with probably the best brains anywhere in the world). Norway – who knows where it is? Ok if you want to sunbathe at Midnight or eat frozen pizza. Not much else there. You could fit the whole population into the 'Burbs of Miami. Alfie No-bell, rings no bells with me. Some loser; so he got lucky when he discovered dynamite. But could he cut a deal, like The Donald? I think we all know the answer to that!! Well Old Alfie Nobell has been drinking at the last chance saloon for some time; now he has crossed my deeply red line by giving his Peace Prize (worth a measly Million dollars)to some Sad Evil Woman.

So, I've decided to move the whole show States-side. Here we are in the greatest State in the Union, Florida. Not only in Florida but in the best house with the greatest golfcourse. Yes, we're in Mar el Largo. And wotta show we have for you tonight.

We have awards in the following categories (agreed by me and the late great Charlie Krick shortly before he failed to dodge a bullet) -Unlike the master of invincibility who stands before you

Best Execution of an Opponent

Best Death by Poison

Best Breach of Human Right and triple Ds

Modern Genocide

Most Dangerous Man for World Peace

Most Talented Newcomer

The Robespierre Prize for Best Execution of an Opponent

The Nominations are:

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman for death of Jamal Khashoggi

Vlad Putin for Yevgeny Prighozhin (of Wagner fame) Plane crash

Kim Jon Ung for the 'nerve gas' murder of Kim Jong Nam

Joe Stalin for death of Leon Trotsky (posthumous)

WINNER: VLAD PUTIN

The Rasputin prize for most Elegant Poisoner

The Nominations are:

Polonium-210 for the slow despatch of Alexander Litvinenko

The Salisbury 2 for Novichok/Skripal

Jim Jones for the Jonestown killing of 900+

Alexei Navalny's, dissident, death in Russian prison in February 2024

WINNER: JIM JONES

Best Breach of Human Rights and Triple D

The Donald : We have had to close this category. It was so, so popular. Just too, too many marvellous nominations. We had friends from all over the world, including wannabe Tyrants and Dictators. Here's just a few, some of whom didn't make it to the shortlist:

China

Russia

Afghanistan

Iran

North Korea

Bangladesh

Belarus

Philippines

We didn't even make onto the 'long list'. But rest assured I, the Donald, am working day and a little bit of the night to do something about advancing our case.

Now, I know you've all been wondering what Triple D is. This is one of my greatest ideas, some people have told me it's probably the greatest idea ever by a President of the United States. I have great pleasure in announcing, here on Fockd News, the inauguration of The Donald's Hall of Fame, DDD, Donald's Dirtiest Dictators:

Vlad's in

RocketMan's there of course

Pinochet representing South America (posthumous award)

Saddam, sadly, posthummus too

Gadaffi, despite living in a tent most of his life – so uncool; so uncool

Xi Ping Pong, and the other members of the table tennis team

On that B42 Bombshell (channeling that all time Great Henri von Kissinger (the only German who's not a loser))...

Let's take a break, I must go to the John – mine's solid gold... the John that is. When we come back we'll be visiting our last 3 categories of awards

1.Modern Genocide

2. Most Dangerous Man for World Peace

 3.Most Talented Newcomer

I know you can't wait...Back in a couple of shakes...

 

Clemantics wishes to make it clear that the IgNobel awards do not actually exist and that The Donald is also our fictitious creation

 

Anne de Rea in Reformland a Semi-Independent State of Trumperland

 

Anne de Rea in Reformland a Semi-Independent State of Trumperland

(as told by Anne de Rea-Jenkyns)

Humpy Dumper Revisited

 

Anne de Rea was sashaying through the Forest. She hummed the tune to a song (I'm an insomniac), which she had written that night. She had been so excited at being invited to the Mad Farrago's Party that she was unable to sleep. It was just amazing that sitting up in bed at 3.00am, drinking Horlicks was enough inspiration for her to write another belter of a song. She was sure that The Mad Farrago would allow her to perform it at his Party – for who could resist her in her sparkly blue jump suit topped off with a St. George foulard ?!

“ I'm an insomniac, staring at the ceiling; think you'll catch my meaning”

She screeched the words contentedly as she made her way through the trees. Suddenly her progress was arrested. The forest path ran abruptly into a brick wall. At one end of the wall was Tweedledum; at the other end stood Tweedledummer. Each had a paint brush in his hand.

“ Who are you and what are you doing, and how did this wall suddenly appear?” enquired Anne de Rea

“Eee Lass, I'm Tweedledummer, but you can call me Lee Neanderthal, most people do. Over there, in the 'Tice is Right' T. shirt is Tweedledum, but you can call 'im 'Dick'. He looks a Dick, don't 'e?”

“ I see, Mr.Neanderthal. But what are you up to?”

“That's easy to answer; most things are, as long as you ignore the question, I find. Now what did you say?”

Anne De Rea repeated her question.

“ Well you see, Miss or is it 'Miss England' ?“ piped up Tweedledum, winking his eye “ The Mad Farrago told us to paint this Red Wall a lovely Turquoise colour.”

“ I don't think you're making a very good job of it.” ventured Anne D'

“ It'll look better, like, when we put t'logo on. We've chosen 'Gotham Ultra Black' for t'words. Quite fitting don't you think?

Anne D' did not reply. She had noticed a large egg-shaped person sitting astride the wall.

“No;no;no, let me speak! Who are you, little girl?” quoth the Egg.

“My name's Anne De Rea-Jenkyns, but you can call me AJ or Jenks, if you like. Who are you and why do you say all that No; no ; no stuff ?

“I'm not sure I like your tone or your questions, Young Lady, even if I do rather like that gorgeous jump suit. I am Humpy Dumper, the People's Egg; the biggest Eggo you will find this side of the pond.

“But you have The Farrago's face. You're nothing but a rotund Farrago”

“ No, no, no let me speak! I can choose to wear whatever face I want. Sometimes, I'm the Farrago; more often I'm the Trumper. I can be whatever face I choose. It's the same with words.”

“How do you mean?” asked AJ, looking perplexed.

“ Words are very useful; I use them a lot. They are very pliable I can make them do whatever I want. So when I say

' I'm rootin' for Razz Pootin. Vlad is the Leader I admire the most' I'm really saying Vlad's a despicable Dictator, only Trumped by Stalin (and maybe Mussolini). As such, he should be erased from the planet. (or at least white-washed from history)'

“ That doesn't make sense, but I like it” mused AJ. “ I'm not sure I'm clever enough to use words in that way

“Nonsense. Once you realise that facts are lies, and lies are facts anything is possible. If the Orange Man-Baby can get the hang of it anyone can. Even Old Sir Starmless is at it:

HD starts to sing

“I say 'nationalism'; he says 'patriotism', I say ' let's call the whole thing off'. Ha! Ha!”

“ I see” exclaimed AJ, experiencing a light-bulb moment. So when dear old BiBi says 'Let's have a ceasefire' He really means 'Take a break and then we'll bomb the shit out of them'.

“Exactly Little Girl, exactly!”

“ Like when we used to say austerity, we meant ' let's continue to Fcuck over the Poor' “.

“ I think she's got it! By Jove she's got it!”

“ But what do we mean by REFORM, I wonder?”

 

“Now there's a thought” said a smiling Cheshire Cat as he floated above the wall.

 

 

It must be love, love, love; love is the best

Letter to the editor

  Dear Sir,

I’ve never been a great fan of Alastair Campbell, Tony Bliar and New Labour’s propaganda ‘supremo’ even to the point of despising the man (and enjoying him being  mercilessly satirised by Peter Capaldi in “The Thick of It”); however, since he has retired as a ‘journalistic hack’ , he has shown glimmerings of being an egalitarian thinker. His partner, Fiona Miller has always championed Comprehensive State Education over both Private Independents and Grammar Schools. The evidence from Finland (which is regarded as a Global leader in education) supports this view.

Anyway, it is the dire, enduring and endemic inequality both in the British (especially the English-centred class system) which is played out and most clearly manifested in our educational system.There is little will to change the way we educate children with the result that we continue to elect elitist and incompetent dorks who ‘feather their own nests’ or those of their friends…. a system known colloquially as the “Chumocracy”. Meanwhile the many with potential and ability, who are not  priviliged chumocrats, rarely get a look in!

We need a revolution!!….. but I ain’t holding my breath….

 

 Yours,

A.A. Fulle-Marx (educationalist)

 

 

 "This Chumcockracy stuff, De Pfeffel, do you think they're onto us?"