Welcome to ClemAntics the Blog which
seeks to tickle, inform and challenge
Clem
what? (we hear you ask) when
the political historian's among you know the right question to ask is: Clem who?
The answer is of
course Clement Atlee,British
Prime Minister 1945-1951.
Oh no,(we hear you say) another lot of old farts taking us
back to the halcyon days of the 1950’s!
Au contraire, we may be old farts who hanker after the
melodic tones of The Who and other such musical ensembles, by the way we never
did want to die before we got old, and the older we get the more determined we are.
We simply hold Clement Attlee up as an example of a politician who acted in the
best interests of the country, not himself, or his Party and for whom the
phrase
“….all in it together…” meant exactly what it says.
So how would Attlee have tackled the crash of 2008?
First let me give some context to this question…
He would have wholly approved of Gordon Brown’s success in
ploughing money into the banks and, thus, avoiding an economic meltdown; money,
by the way, the government would doubtless recoup in time by the sale of shares
as and when such shares recovered their pre-crash value. In addition, at the
time of the2010 election, the economy was growing at about 1.5% per annum.
Attlee was a supporter of J. M. Keynes who, in 1945, said
that when the Labour party entered government in that year it was confronted
with… “an economic Dunkirk…”, (yes, I know it’s before your time-Google it!),
and the country was, effectively, bankrupt!
The economic situation of 2008 was by no means so severe. Yes, the
deficit, largely as a result of the necessary steps taken to secure the banks,
had increased substantially to about £150bilion, but our credit rating remained
strong and loans could be made on interest as little as 1.5%
J. M. Keynes argued that in times of an economic downturn,
government spending was a crucial factor in creating the necessary conditions
for an economic upturn. Attlee, believed that the responsibility of government
was to assume a prominent role in improving the lives of its citizens and as
such would have adopted a Keynesian approach to the crash.
Just as in 1945, he would have borrowed money, albeit in
much better circumstances, and invested heavily in infrastructure projects. By
this means, the economy would have been stimulated, employment would have risen
and the spending power of citizens maintained. Yes, in the short term the
deficit would have increased, but over time, and with patience, it would reduce
and achieve a tolerable and acceptable level.
Sound too good to be true? Nah,” you just gotta have faith
baby” (Donald Sutherland, Kelly’s Heroes)
And sometimes, just sometimes, it pays to look back to find
a way forward. An Old Fart
So we
find our inspiration from Clem. But what about the Antics?
Well - antics as in capers, pranks, larks, tricks and
frolics. We want to encourage and inform debate whilst often choosing to
look at the world through a Dennis-the-Menace prism. We seek to offer a
smorgasbord (thanks Sweden; here's hoping for free movement of language post
Brexit) of serious critique, satire, comment and tongue-in-cheek silliness. Would Clem have
approved? He would probably have managed a wry smile away from cameras. We hope
you will smile too.
Three Bozos in a Boat
The Story so far
The Maytrex, a woman of
smouldering ambition, has succeeded to the premiership being the only Tory with
an appetite for the Dog's Brexit, which followed the ill-advised referendum of
the summer of' '16. Whichever way Maytrex looks at it, she can only conclude
that Dog's Brexit means Dog's Brexit.
A brief moment of ecstatic triumph
has been replaced by a feeling of doom. Despondency has descended upon the
House of Maytrex. To make matters worse
Porcamis – aka
'Breeches Boy' because of his infamous antics stuck on a high wire somewhere
over London; as well as his celebrated reputation for letting his Johnson loose
whenever an attractive female crosses his line of vision
Davros – a
simple boy from the council estate, who became the dalek of the Eurosceptic
Right (Who can ever forget his cry of “Exterminate them! Exterminate them!”as
the Tory Conference debated immigration)
Foxos– Fantastic Doctor Fox – always
up for a coop; the enforcer, who will gladly dine on anyone, who chickens out
of Brexit.
Maytrex's 3 Brexiteers
are riding to Maytrex's rescue.
Episode 1: An Eu-Commission
Scene 1 – Inside The Maytrex
Bunker. Maytrex is discussing the situation with her companion and soul-mate
Hammond-the-Dog.
Maytrex – It's just one
unholy mess, Hammond.
Hammond – Woof.
M: I should never have
appointed the 3 Bozos. Cameroon advised me that it would be paradoxical; it
would showcase my Machiavellian skills and strengthen my hold on power. Now it
turns out that they are complete liabilities and I am having to do everything
myself. Daddy always said never trust a posh boy.
H: sympathetically
woof; woof.
M: But at least I have
you Hammond. You do know that I have forgiven you for that incontinent budget
of yours, don't you? I do think it was
cruel the way the press kept calling you 'Spreadshit Phil'. (although I must admit
it did give me a bit of a laugh to see it in the Daily Fascist)
H: (a little uncertain how
to respond to this) woof.
M: Anyway, I have been
talking to Phil-at-home. (Maytrex goes starry-eyed) The only
other Phil, who out trumps you Hammond.
H: (lets out a big fart in
appreciation of this play on words) WooooF; WooooF (or is it
Whiff; Whiff)
M: Don't interrupt; there's a good boy.
Phil-at-Home puts it like this:
Porcamis is an
unsafe pair of trousers
Davros is
syntactically challenged (that's Phil's way of saying no-one can understand a
word he says)
As for Foxos
- Phil refers to him either as
'Doesn't-give- a-Fox' or 'Fox-it-all up' or What-the Fox-is-he-on-about.
Phil-at-Home says that the
'liability 3' need a project to keep them occupied and out of harm's way. That's
why I have summoned them here today.
Ham'n'eggs: (enthusiastically) Woof; woof;
WOOF!
M: Get Fi-Fi (Fiona Hill)
to bring them in. Let's have some fun. Now toddle along to her office; there's
a good Hammond (tosses Hammond a copy of his approval ratings – now
standing at minus 11%). There's a bone for you to chew on.
Exit Ham-it-up tail
between his legs.
Scene 2 – Outside the Operations
Room of Maytrex Bunker
Foxos: What do you think
the Maytrex has summoned us here for?
Davros: I tell you what; (takes
on an air of profound wisdom)I learned this on the mean streets of
Tooting – not the playing fields of Eton (looks pointedly at Porcamis)
– keep your friends close; keep your enemies even closer.
Porcamis – (sardonically)
I thought it was David Brent in the Office who gave that advice? Well, I think
we're here for an end-of-term report. So Davros you had better be ready with
all the reasons why there has been so little movement – Dover still seems to be
about 18 nautical miles from Calais; Blighty should be floating off into the
North Sea by now, surely.
D: Oh Ha! Ha! LoL. So how
do you think you've been doing Porcos?
P: O Optime cum Laude!
Davey boy. Optime! I'm expecting Alpha plus, plus. I've really got hold of this
diplomacy thing. You know a girl's a girl whatever her position (winks at
Foxos knowingly); they all find Porcamis irresistible. Take that
Christine-en-Garde; Old StoneFace herself, no-one has managed to get that face
to smile but Old Porcamis soon warmed her up...well.. (throws another
knowing look at Foxos) there we were discussing exchange rates, budget
deficits and the like; poor Porcamis was half asleep with the dreariness of it
all; then quick as a flash it came to him. So what does Old Porcamis say “I'd
love to have EU over a barrel”.She loved it, lapped it up! Now that's diplomacy
Davros.
F: (Looking up from completing another
expenses form)Sounds more like Sexism to me . I don't mind saying,
frankly I am bored. I've got nothing to do. The Maytrex insists she has the
Trade thing under control and does not need my help. I seem to have upset her
by saying that our 'Captains of Industry' are all fat and lazy and out on the
golf course. She told me any more comments like that and I'd be given a one way
ticket on a train to Aberdeen to water the greens on her new friend Trumper's
International Golf Links.
P: (Chortling) In
perpetuum! In perpetuum!
(The Brexiteers banter is
abruptly curtailed as the door to the Operations Room opens. Madam Fi-Fi pokes
her head out of the door.)
MF-F: Boys, the Maytrex
will see you now...
Next time: The Bozos are
given a surprise and surprising commission
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
“When in
the evening the sky grows dark in the West it is full of chickens flying home
to roost – Chinese proverb – Now read on...
Global or Gobshite Britain?
The board of Clemantics agreed
that our first edition would address the true reality of the phrase ‘Global
Britain’. Then, just as I was about to put pen to paper or, in today’s parlance
finger to key, the PM announced that she had called a general election! This
from the woman who had previously stated unequivocally – a word the meaning of
which is seemingly unknown to politicians – that there would not be an election.
It would seem that whilst on
holiday in Wales the PM experienced an epiphany not dissimilar to the one Paul
experienced on the road to Damascus (In her case though, it was not so much a
bright light as the darkest most threatening cloud the Welsh have ever seen)[1]. On emerging from this
most threatening of a natural phenomenon, our most esteemed PM was heard to
mutter “I have seen the darkness and it is Me!”. And lo, since that time the ‘cult of Me’ has
grown until the way, the truth and the darkness can only be achieved by
pursuing the religion of one, or TOWIM (The Only Way Is Me) as it will be
known. A vote for anybody else (NB not even the Conservative Party, but
‘Me’) will bring chaos, anarchy and, worst of all, cosying up to Jean Foreigner
across The Channel or, as we will soon be calling it, La Manche.
Oh dear! First we have ‘Cool
Britannia’, then ‘Global (Great) Britain’ and now we are on the cusp of not ‘one nation Tory
Britain’ but ‘One Nation
Mayism for all time Britain’. The cult of personality is not dead, it has
simply been residing in the Thames Valley – who knew!
So, let’s be clear. The ‘Me’
May, having elevated herself to Kim Jong Un status, is the only person capable
of delivering for (Great) Britain ‘strong and stable’ Government and show these
execrable Europeans what’s what and who’s who.
But, if ye wish her
gratefu prayer,Gie her a Haggis (R.Burns)
But hark, you might exclaim,
whatever deal the estimable Theresa Jong May gets, surely leaving the Single
Market and the Customs Union will undermine our economy? Do not fret. Why, only
recently, I learnt that the statesman known as Boris Piffle Johnson has
announced that, post Brexit, we will sell haggis to the Americans! The fact
that it has been illegal to sell haggis in the USA since 1971 is of ‘piffling’
importance. However, the Donald, with his Scottish ancestry, will no doubt sign
yet another executive order rescinding such a regulation. The sales of haggis
will outstrip the sale of arms to the Middle East, Scotland’s economy will be
saved, Nicola Sturgeon will willingly bend the knee to the ‘Me’ May and her
loyal and faithful ( faithful? Ed) acolyte Piffle Johnson and Thanksgiving
dinner will never be the same again. Who would have thought that the humble
haggis could be responsible for such harmony and prosperity?
STOP! This is nonsense. Surely
nobody can behave like this? It would seem that 52% of the voting public
might well!
Facts that May have
escaped you
Right, here are some facts
which might, just might, bring some reality to the situation.
Setting aside the sale of
haggis so vast that there couldn’t possibly be enough sheep’s bladders to go
around, leaving the Single Market and Customs Union will be another potential
‘economic Dunkirk’.
At present goods and services
between the UK and the EU occur without hindrance to the extent that 54.3%
of UK exports by value are delivered to other European trade partners, more
than the rest of the world put together. (D.
Workman)
To put this into context here’s
a limited list of the extent to which we export to countries where we would hope to increase our trade.
·
USA 15%
·
Canada – less than
2%
·
Australia – less
than 2%
·
New Zealand – less
than 1%
·
India – less than
2%
·
China – 4.4%
Vince Cable, Lib Dem former
Business Secretary, recently wrote in The Guardian that to increase the above
percentages will take many years. If that is the case, it is reasonable to
assume that businesses of various stripes will either postpone investing and/or
consider transferring their businesses to a more stable and, potentially,
stronger economic environment – there are those words again, ‘strong’ and
‘stable’.
No way Jose, Jean,
Johann et al
In addition, should we leave
the EU without a deal, there is the very real prospect of trade tariffs which
would inevitably adversely affect the economy and possibly the Union.
And finally...
we're foxed
Finally, on leaving the EU, The
Single Market and The Customs Union, it will be crucial that we quickly arrange
trade deals; although whether such trade deals should include States where
extrajudicial killing is condoned might need some serious thought even though,
with reference to one such State, Dr Fox states that we share similar cultural
values. (Is extrajudicial killing currently condoned by the Government? Ed.)
Our need to arrange deals will
be great indeed. All other countries will know this and consequently strengthen
their hand in negotiations.
The
future is ‘Me’, the failure is blue! The future, wherein lies this madness and
destitution! Vote ‘Me’ for a bright future for life or 2019, whichever is the
sooner.
Next time:
- Lies, damned lies, and statistics – immigration the true picture
- 3 Bozos on their way
- A book at Bedtime – Nutwood turns its back on Asylum-seekers
A very happy Mayday to the Brexiteers; and a
desperate “ Strasbourg, we have a problem – Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!” from the
rest of us[1]
[1] Or Boris when her in doors found he had been
playing inside Petronella's pants? -ed.)
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