Three Bozos in a Boat

The Story so far

The Maytrex, a woman of smouldering ambition, has succeeded to the premiership being the only Tory with an appetite for the Dog's Brexit, which followed the ill-advised referendum of the summer of' '16. Whichever way Maytrex looks at it, she can only conclude that Dog's Brexit means Dog's Brexit.

A brief moment of ecstatic triumph has been replaced by a feeling of doom. Despondency has descended upon the House of Maytrex. To make matters worse

Porcamis – aka 'Breeches Boy' because of his infamous antics stuck on a high wire somewhere over London; as well as his celebrated reputation for letting his Johnson loose whenever an attractive female crosses his line of vision

Davros – a simple boy from the council estate, who became the dalek of the Eurosceptic Right (Who can ever forget his cry of “Exterminate them! Exterminate them!”as the Tory Conference debated immigration​)

 Foxos– Fantastic Doctor Fox – always up for a coop; the enforcer, who will gladly dine on anyone, who chickens out of Brexit.

Maytrex's 3 Brexiteers are riding to Maytrex's rescue.

Episode 1: An Eu-Commission

Scene 1 – Inside The Maytrex Bunker. Maytrex is discussing the situation with her companion and soul-mate Hammond-the-Dog.

Maytrex – It's just one unholy mess, Hammond.

Hammond – Woof.

M: I should never have appointed the 3 Bozos. Cameroon advised me that it would be paradoxical; it would showcase my Machiavellian skills and strengthen my hold on power. Now it turns out that they are complete liabilities and I am having to do everything myself. Daddy always said never trust a posh boy.

H: sympathetically woof; woof.

M: But at least I have you Hammond. You do know that I have forgiven you for that incontinent budget of yours, don't you?  I do think it was cruel the way the press kept calling you 'Spreadshit Phil'. (although I must admit it did give me a bit of a laugh to see it in the Daily Fascist)

H: (a little uncertain how to respond to this) woof.

M: Anyway, I have been talking to Phil-at-home. (Maytrex goes starry-eyed) The only other Phil, who out trumps you Hammond.

H: (lets out a big fart in appreciation of this play on words) WooooF; WooooF (or is it Whiff; Whiff)

M:  Don't interrupt; there's a good boy. Phil-at-Home puts it like this:

Porcamis is an unsafe pair of trousers

Davros is syntactically challenged (that's Phil's way of saying no-one can understand a word he says)

As for Foxos -  Phil refers to him either as 'Doesn't-give- a-Fox' or 'Fox-it-all up' or What-the Fox-he-on-about.

Phil-at-Home says that the 'liability 3' need  a project  to keep them occupied and out of harm's way. That's why I have summoned them here today.

Ham'n'eggs:  (enthusiastically) Woof; woof; WOOF!

M: Get Fi-Fi (Fiona Hill) to bring them in. Let's have some fun. Now toddle along to her office; there's a good Hammond (tosses Hammond a copy of his approval ratings – now standing at minus 11%). There's a bone for you to chew on.

Exit Ham-it-up tail between his legs.

Scene 2 – Outside the Operations Room of Maytrex Bunker

Foxos: What do you think the Maytrex has summoned us here for?

Davros: I tell you what; (takes on an air of profound wisdom)I learned this on the mean streets of Tooting – not the playing fields of Eton (looks pointedly at Porcamis) – keep your friends close; keep your enemies even closer.

Porcamis – (sardonically) I thought it was David Brent in the Office who gave that advice? Well, I think we're here for an end-of-term report. So Davros you had better be ready with all the reasons why there has been so little movement – Dover still seems to be about 18 nautical miles from Calais; Blighty should be floating off into the North Sea by now, surely.

D: Oh Ha! Ha! LoL. So how do you think you've been doing Porcos?

P: O Optime cum Laude! Davey boy. Optime! I'm expecting Alpha plus, plus. I've really got hold of this diplomacy thing. You know a girl's a girl whatever her position (winks at Foxos knowingly); they all find Porcamis irresistible. Take that Christine-en-Garde; Old StoneFace herself, no-one has managed to get that face to smile but Old Porcamis soon warmed her up...well.. (throws another knowing look at Foxos) there we were discussing exchange rates, budget deficits and the like; poor Porcamis was half asleep with the dreariness of it all; then quick as a flash it came to him. So what does Old Porcamis say “I'd love to have EU over a barrel”.She loved it, lapped it up! Now that's diplomacy Davros.

F:  (Looking up from completing another expenses form)Sounds more like Sexism to me . I don't mind saying, frankly I am bored. I've got nothing to do. The Maytrex insists she has the Trade thing under control and does not need my help. I seem to have upset her by saying that our 'Captains of Industry' are all fat and lazy and out on the golf course. She told me any more comments like that and I'd be given a one way ticket on a train to Aberdeen to water the greens on her new friend Trumper's International Golf Links.

P: (Chortling) In perpetuum! In perpetuum!

(The Brexiteers banter is abruptly curtailed as the door to the Operations Room opens. Madam Fi-Fi pokes her head out of the door.)

MF-F: Boys, the Maytrex will see you now...

Next time: The Bozos are given a surprise and surprising commission