Clemantics Autumn Edition 2

Welcome to Autumn Edition Part 2. We start as always with the wisdom of Clement Atlee

" If you begin to consider yourself solely responsible to a political party, you're half-way to a dictatorship."

Once again Clem's words have a deep resonance today as we see Theresa May following the abject lead of previous Tory PMs in putting the interests of the Tory party before those of the Nation. She is completely fearful of and in hock to the right wing of the Tory party, just as Cameron was before her. John Major's 'Bastards' have never really gone away. Now they are in the ascendancy with a weak, fatally wounded Prime Minister, who retains power only through buying off the rabid DUP. Be afraid; be very afraid.

PLAY YOUR BREXIT CARDS RIGHT

The Rules:
Two contestants; each asked a question in turn and, if successful, the contestant is invited to turn a playing card and  guess whether the next card will be higher or lower.

Your Host: (appearing courtesy of Ouiga Board productions) Sir Bruce Forsyth

BRUCIE: Tonight’s the night if you play your cards right and tonight's show is brought to you from Brussels. Nice to leave you, to leave you nice!

Let’s meet our first contestant. And what’s your name?

CONTESTANT 1: Dave Davis.
 BRUCIE: I always loved your music, especially Lola – gave me a lot of pleasure that!

And what do you do Dave – apart from play in a band?

CONTESTANT 1: I’m currently a waste of space!

BRUCIE: Lovely, and do you have any hobbies?

CONTESTANT 1: I’m really into smiling inanely when I don’t know what to do. I just love being unprepared and, oh yes, I have a black belt, nth (Desperate) Dan in ‘Constructive Ambiguity’

BRUCIE: Lovely, lovely, didn’t understand a word of that!

And now for our second contestant.

My but you look imposing; I don’t fancy the other one's chances.

And what’s your name?

CONTESTANT 2: Michel Barnstormer – but you can call me Sir.

BRUCIE: Lovely, lovely. And what do you do?

CONTESTANT 2: I’m a big (French) cheese in the EU and I squeeze money out of British politicians – mais, bien sur, I do so with impeccable savour faire!

BRUCIE: And do you have any hobbies?

CONTESTANT 2: Oui, je suis un membre del elite Francais and, quand je peut, I take great plaisir in making British politicians smile even more inanely and appear even more unprepared than usual.

BRUCIE: Lovely, good game, good game.

Now, Michel, the first question is for you.

How much should the UK pay to exit the EU?

CONTESTANT 2: 100 BILLION EUROS

BRUCIE: Blimey, don’t skimp will you!

Now Dave do you want to go higher or lower?

CONTESTANT 1: Lower.

BRUCIE: How much?

CONTESTANT1: 50 euros.

BRUCIE: Cheeky, so just 50 euros lower?

CONTESTANT 1: No, just literally 50 euros.

BRUCIE: Michel, do you want to go higher or lower?

CONTESTANT2: Sacre bleu, plus haut – 90 billion euros!

BRUCIE: Dave, higher or lower?

To be concluded before March 2019

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A song for Europe from our Brexit Balladeer sitting on the Brexit fence – Sandy Unsure   ( backing vocals provided by Davis and May)

I wonder if one day that

We'll say “What a pair!”

As Brexit goes badly,

They'll sadly be there

2 puppets on a string

Brexit's just like a merry-go-round

With none of the fun of the fair.

One day there's a run on the pound

Explained by a lot of hot air

Maybot's leading us on

She's really one big con...

I wonder if one day that

We'll say “We don't care!”

Though Brexit's gone badly

They're sadly still there

Just 2 puppets on a string

We will lose on the economy

Trade packaged with unpleasant things

In or out there is never a doubt

Barnier's pulling our strings

We're still gonna be tied to EU

So where is Brexit leading us to?

I wonder...

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We return for more of:

The Daily Service from The Church of Our Lady of Duplicity, Maidenhead

The Address

Given by:

 The Right-Raving Don T. Rump, Ass-Bishop and Primate of the America 1^st Church

I must start off by saying how fortunate you are to be here with me today. I am going to be terrific and you will all go home very, very happy at what I have taught you; happier than you thought possible. We're gonna look at the Old Testamony Book of Brexitus; it's beautiful; Now those old Profits, being Jewish, didn't write too good, so Donny's gonna Mansplain it to you.

Now there's this great Dude – you're gonna love him – Moses; hookey name but a great, great guy. I know; I've met him.

Moses, super-intelligent, Purple Heart brave, sees that his Folks are being oppressed so darn hard they're squeaking like pips in a pomegranate. They are held captive, beyond their borders, in the Land of the Infidel, working as slaves for Pharaoh Jean-Claude ' Let's-have-a-party-at-the-public's-expense' Junket.

This Junket has surrounded himself with a bunch of bad hombres and mujers : Donny ' the elephant man' Tusk; Michel 'the crazy-one' Barmier; 'The double-dealing, cross-dresser' Super Mario-in-Draggy and the retired 'fencing champion' Christine-en-Garde. A Quintet of Evil; these are very, very bad people.

So Mose goes marching straight into this nest of vipers, like he's paying a visit to Mar-a-Lago after a round of golf; He's right in Junket's face, way, way, way too close for comfort. He's straight out with it:

“Junket; you can fcuk off;; I'm takin' my Soup Snakes back to Brexitland; all of 'em. I'm gonna build a wall right down the Straits of Dover; it's gonna be huge; believe me no-one builds walls bigger than me; it's gonna be so big you Eugyptians won't even be able to see Brexitland, let alone get in!

And, here's the best bit, I'm gonna make Chrissie-en-Garde pick up the tab!”

Big Balls, I call that; Big balls – Respect, Mose, Respect!

Mose walks right out the door slamming a fist through a door panel as he goes, leaving the Axis of Evil to decide on their next move. So Mose high-tales it back to where the Folks are waiting for him. They are very, very rammy; expectation is high; excitement is tremendous.

“ So what's the deal, Dude?” They call out in one beautiful, beautiful voice.

Mose raises his arms aloft. “Here's what's gonna happen... you heard it here; you heard it from Mose. Do not believe what you read on any fake tablets of stone. Watch my lips... Here's the deal..

Number 1 – It's Brexitland first; no seconds; just Brexitland first.

Number 2 – Mose is gonna take you all to the Broken-Promises Land that lies and more lies beyond Eugypt borders

Number 3 - We're gonna kick some Euro-ass

“ How you gonna do that, Man?” comes a voice in the crowd

Mose Manspreads

“ We're gonna drive a big highway across the Straits of Dover...”

“ Drive that highway, Mose. Drive that highway” comes the refrain.

“And wait... Once we're safely across in Dover, we're gonna back-fill it with water; protect our borders and drown the Oppressors.”

“ Mose is The Man,”goes up the cry, followed by “We're behind you every inch ( let's keep it imperial!) of the way.”

By now the Brexiters are in a massive frenzy; and I do not have to tell you that no-one does frenzy bigger than those Brexiters:

“ Way to go, Mose!” they shout

Mose marches them Dawgies straight down to the waterfront. There's a huge, huge crowd there already; huger than at a Pharoah's inauguration; I mean,tremendous, unbelievable numbers of Folks begging, on their knees, begging to be taken out of Eugypt. Mose marches down the beach; amazing; sand everywhere; they all follow, whoopin' and hollerin, so, so happy to be on their way to Brexitland.

They march right into the sea - “Goin' home, Mose!” they chant. It's a truly awesome spectacle, as awesome as spectacles get. They wade in; they're up to their knees; they're up to their chests but... there's no super-highway; that's right – No, I mean, NO SUPERHIGHWAY.

“Where's that road, Mose?” is the cry from all sides, “We're kinda drownin' here... you promised...”

Mose turns to them – he is still safe on terra firma and says “ I didn't promise you a Super-highway, that was just a Whopper to get you going.”

Now let me tell you these Brexiters are stupid, such stupid people; they turn to Mose and say “OK Mose. Hail to you Chief; we still love and respect you.” And they march right out into the sea as if that Superhighway is magically gonna appear... fabulous, incredible...

Now, in the name of my Father Donald T. Rump (Snr); in the name of my son, Donald T. Rump (Jnr) and in the name of the Sunday Roast . Amen

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