Welcome to the November 2017 Edition of Clemantics
It
has taken a small number of brave women both inside and outside
Parliament to bring into the public domain their experiences of rape
and sexual harassment by Ministers; MPs and party workers of the main
political parties. In so doing, they have challenged, patriarchy,
a culture of entitlement, and the abuse of power generally; in
particular, they have challenged the poisonous, misogynistic culture,
which has anachronistically prevailed and indeed flourished at Westminster for many
decades past. The editors at Clemantics assert
that there is much for us, as men, to do individually, socially and
politically in order to achieve a truly egalitarian body politic. We
celebrate the courage of those women, who have dared to say ' enough
is enough'; we celebrate too, the presence of more women MPs on both
sides of the House in this Parliament, many, of whom have brought a
'breath of fresh air' to an institution more noted for the 'hot air'
and 'smug complacency' it has generated.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“One
who deceives will always find those who will allow themselves to be
deceived”
Niccolo
Machiavelli
“One
who deceives will always find those who will allow themselves to be
deceived”
Niccolo
Machiavelli
“One
who deceives will always find those who will allow themselves to be
deceived”
Niccolo
Machiavelli
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's
Play MasterGrime
the show where we try to find the most grubby MP at Westminster
You all know the rules –
quite simple - the contestant , who manages to avoid giving a
straight or correct answer to the most questions wins .
Let's meet the first
contestant. Your name please.
BoJo:
Alexander, Boris de Feffel Johnson.
Humpy:
And your specialist subject?
BoJo:
Alexander Boris de Feffel Johnson
Humpy:
so
BoJo you have 60 seconds to avoid or give incorrect answers to
questions
on yourself
starting now...
Who did
you once describe as a Monosyllabic Austrian Cyborg?
BoJo:
Hitler.
Humpy:
No
it was Arnold Schwazenegger against who you deployed this racist
slur.
Humpy:
What
caused Eddie Mair to suggest “You are a nasty piece of work”
BoJo:
Now personally I like Eddie; he was just put up to it by some Beeb
Mugwump.
Humpy:
Incorrect. He was referring to how you helped the criminal Darius
Guppy to seek out and beat up a mutual acquaintance.
Humpy:
When you were a member of the Bullingdon Club. What was the most
disgusting activity you and your over-priviliged cronies indulged
yourself in. Was it
- a) Inflicting £20k damages on a hostelry, where you had been having 'fun'
- b) Setting light to a £50 note in front of a beggar
- c) Some other outlandish activity?
BoJo:
Setting light to a £50 note.
Humpy:
Incorrect. The worst collective act of the Bullers was to make a
young woman get down on all fours like a horse; and getting her to
whinny whilst the cronies brought out hunting horns and whips.
Humpy:
Which Government Minister said of you “ You wouldn't trust him to
take you home at the end of the evening”?
BoJo:
Well that could be any number of lucky ladies, who have spent time in
the cabinet with me. The Right Honourable Truss, gets my vote.
Humpy:
Incorrect . It was in fact Amber (as far as BoJo is concerned it's
Amber changing to Red) Rudd.
Humpy:
Who said “my policy on cake is pro-having it and pro-eating it”?
BoJo:
Marie- Antoinette
Humpy:
Incorrect. Boris de Feffel Johnson
Humpy:
You were sacked from the Times in 1988. Was it for
- a) not keeping Little Johnson in his trousers
- b) referring to black people as piccaninnies and talking about water-melon smiles
- c) false claims in an article
BoJo:
Trouble
with Little Johnson.
Humpy:
Incorrect
. Although all three gaffs are attributable to you, on this occasion
you were sacked for false claims in an article. Indeed, it has been
suggested that you were first to treat your gullible readership to
'Fake News'
Humpy:
How
many illegitimate children have you sired?
BoJo:
Oh, cripes...er 10?
Humpy:
Incorrect. The official figure is 2.
Humpy:
Who was responsible for bringing hire bikes to London.
BoJo:
That's easy. BoJo; that's why they're known as Boris Bikes – proud
moment, if I might say so?
Humpy:
Incorrect. The hire scheme was the brain-child of previous mayor of
London, Ken Livingstone. You just took all the credit.
Humpy:
Which
has been the most costly of Boris' London follies as set out in
Douglas Murphy's book Nincompoopolis? Was it
- a) the new Routemaster bus, an overheating, overpriced lump of nostalgia
- b) the Emirates Airline, a novelty cable car ride presented as a crucial transport link, which has failed to attract regular commuters and loses an estimated £50,000 a week.
- c) the mad attempt to revive the Crystal Palace with the help of a Chinese developer
- d) the Thames Garden Bridge – oh so sadly ditched by your successor as Mayor
- e) other?
BoJo:
Steady on there Humpy. There were so many great projects in BoJo's
reign. But if I had to plump for one it would have to be the
hopelessly overheating nostalgia-bus.
Humpy:
Incorrect. It is in fact the ArcelorMittal Orbit, a mangled £20m
totem pole intended to make £1.2m a year for the upkeep of the
Olympic park, but which has instead cost the taxpayer £10,000 a week
to maintain.
Humpy:
Did you urge the voters to vote Tory (peep-peep-peep).
I've started so I'll finish,
because
- a) things are better under the Tories
- b) Labour cannot be trusted on the economy
- c) we must keep Corbyn out of Downing Street
- d) voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts
BoJo:
Ok Humpy; I have to own up to this one. It was the line about big
tits
Humpy:
Astonishingly, you have given a correct and honest answer
Humpy:
Thank you Mr. Johnson for
your obfuscation, and your blustering dishonesty. You have answered 9
questions either dishonestly or incorrectly and only 1 question
straightforwardly and correctly.
So
at the end of round 1 you have 9
points
and no
passes
Bojo:
(aside)
First time I've got through a show without making a pass at someone.
LoL!
Stay
tuned for the next contestant on MASTERGRIME
(lowering
of lights,dramatic music and fade)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Charge of the (Always) Right Brigade
With
Apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson
I.
Half
a brain, half a brain,
Half
a brain between them – onward
All
in the Valley of Debt
Rode
the Jolly Wrexiteers
Forward
the (Always) Right Brigade!
Charge
for the Brexit they said
Into
the Valley of Debt
Rode
the Jolly Wrexiteers
II.
Forward
the (Always) Right Brigade
Not
a one was unsure
Their
belief as strong as before
Though
one or more had blundered
Theirs
not to speak or defy
Theirs
not to reason…WHY!?
Theirs
but to do and lie
Into
the Valley of Debt
Rode
the Jolly Wrexiteers
III.
Remainers
to the right of them
Remoaners
to the left of them
The
27 in front of them
Snipers
and traitors
Against
the return of Empire status
Boldly
they go where once we were before
Into
the jaws of debt
Into
the jaws of Bel(-gium)
Rode
the Jolly Wrexiteers
IV.
Mooned
all of their bottoms bare.
Mooned
as they turned in air.
Mooned
the questioners there,
Charging
the 27.
All
the world wondered
What
were they thinking?
With
hearts slowly sinking,
The
French and the Prussians
Firm
they well stood,
The
Jollies felt misunderstood,
Abashed
and half dressed
They
came back, but not,
The
so Jolly
Wrexiteers
V.
Banks
to the left of them,
Business
to the right of them,
The
27 behind them.
T’(u)sk
t’(u)sk they finger wagged,
Do
you know what you’re about?
And
so they sounded the Brexit death knell,
But
Wrexiteers don’t hear so well,
They
had lied and lived to tell
The
tale that would ultimately fail…
Ah!
The not so Jolly Wrexiteers.
VI.
When
can their glory fade?
As
soon as possible for the mess they made!
All
the world wondered
What
were they thinking?
And
all that is left
Is
Albion sinking…
Up
the (always) Right Brigade
Nobble
the Jolly Wrexiteers
And finally, a word of wisdom from Clem:
I applaud your opening about PestMinster. Mastermind: real answers were shocking but eye opening!
ReplyDelete