Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game part 1

Steve Baker's Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game

 

 

Steve Baker:

Hello and welcome to the Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game (BSSG). I am your host Steve Baker-Lehman Brothers survivor; born again Christian and Euro-septic icon. People often wonder what happened to me,the 'St. Austell Squib', since I pressed the number 10 ejector seat back in July and went hurtling off into the ozone.

'Is he still Jake Mogg's body-double? Is he Sir Bernie Jenker's batman or is he simply the Honourable-Puller-of-Pints at Lord Nigel of Farage's local?' I hear them enquire.

'Well no , I reply. I now divide my time equally between being an Outrider for the Excrement Recycling Group (ERG) and standing in for my brother, Danny, to Chair the Brexit Sausage Sandwich Game.

Anyway that's enough about me, I think? On with the game. This is how it works.

A celebrity guest is asked two questions about his or her personal life that only the celeb can answer. Two contestants representing local or national football teams, score 'goals' based on their ability to correctly guess the celebrity's answer. In the final question which gives the game its name, the contestants have to guess how the celebrity takes his Brexit Sausage Sandwich.

The winner gets a free ticket to 'The Good Old Days'. The loser gets a ticket to the 'Good Old Days' in the company of The Moggster and his Nanny.

SB: Now our first contestant is on the line. Your name please.

A.A: (rich Belfast tones) ' Arlene from Antrim'.

SB: Well Arlene. I have every confidence you will supply the correct answers.

AA: Too fechtin' right, Danny Boy, but I expect a bigger prize than a night out with J-cloth-Grease-Mopp, if you get my drift.

SB: You have to be in it to win it, innit? (SB chortles nervously)

AA: Dead right, Mr Bakerstop. And you are right in it, Young Fella.

SB: (Eager to change the subject) Moving right along as we say in the ERG; which football team are you representing?

AA: Glasgow...

SB (interrupting excitedly) Well, this is a first – we've never had a Celtic supporter on the programme before.

AA: Are you takin' the Jimmy Riddle, ye Gobshite? My Man, Doddy, will knock ya bollix in, if y'are. M' team is Glasgow Rangers.

SB: Sorry, my mistake. Talking of which I understand that we have the Mistress of the Grand Bloomer on the other line.

Hello and welcome to BSSG. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

KB: Karen 'Doing-Pretty' Bradley here. So glad to be on the show, I feel that I have already learned so much about sausages since coming on the line. I hadn't realised that the humble sausage is made up of all sorts of weird and useless things thrown together, a bit like a Brexit Cabinet... Joked you there, haven't I, Mr Bakerstop?!

SB: So, Ms. Bradawl, which football team are you representing today?

KB: Oh! I am a life-long supporter of Manchester City or is it Manchester United? Oh, yes, that's it they told me how to remember – it's like Parliament - there's the Blue side and the Red side and I'm on the Blue side. Learn, Learn, Learn, that's me! I'm always on a learning curve!

SB: This is very exciting, we have a distinctive Northern Ireland flavour to our programme today. No red lines down the Irish Sea here; No red lines down the Manchester Ship Canal.

Now a big 'Shalom' to my celebrity guest Mr. Jezza Corr-Binliner.

JC: “Good Morning. How nice to see you and goodbye.”

SB: So question number 1.

What vegetable does Jezza like most to grow on his allotment?

Is it – Jerusalem Fartichoke?

Is it – Kohl Rabbi?

Or is it – Parsley Root?

AA: Oh, definitely Paisley Root. You can't have too much Paisley, I always say!

KB: You know, I didn't know very much about vegetables before I joined the Cabinet but now I spend time with them every day. Sometimes I fear I've become one myself! Joked you again there, Mr Bakerstop! (chortles merrily). I think I will plump for Jerusalem Thingamabob – it's the sort of thing old Retro-Farties would grow, isn't it, Mr. Bakerstab?

SB: Well Jezza, what's the answer?

JC: “Good Morning. How nice to see you and goodbye.”

SB: I see. So no goals for anyone there. The score is:

The Scotch Royal Blues – Zip

The Manc Sky Blues – Zip

(aside) You know I like nothing better than a good old Blue on Blue contest!

 To be continued next week- You can have your sausage and eat it!!