A Production by the Old Etonian Sad
Little Opera Company entitled:
*Surely Old Entitled Etonian Sad Little Opera
Company(?) ed.
Kwasi fan Tutti (Posh Boys are all like That)
By Mo Sarrt
The story so far: Kwasi
Kwartenigo and Borissimo are taking time out from the Brexit non-negotiations
to have a little sport. Before too long la conversazione turns to ‘Le donne’
Act 1: The Locker
room at the Posh Boys of Westminster Tennis Club
Borissimo: Phwoar! I haven’t had a workout like that in
hours (winks laddishly at Kwartenigo)
Kwartenigo: Even so you’re looking a bit ‘giu in boccia’, if
I might say so, Generalissimo.
Borissimo: (marches up and down with his tennis racquet held like a swagger stick) To
tell you the truth...
Kwartengo: (aside) Well, that will be
a first.
Borissimo:..I’m completely stafo’d with the whole Brexit
thing. As if life weren’t difficult enough in ‘Consiglio dei Ministri having to
look out for ‘Coltello Gove nella parte posterior ‘ , the 2
Glistening Otters – La Ambra and Nicoletta- Morganna turn
out to be two complete Harridans
Kwartenigo: La mia simpatia! La mia simpatia! Vecchio Mio! I
had a dalliance with La Ambra. She was a complete ‘incubo’ .
Borissimo: So now
you’ve decided to hitch your wagon to ‘La Fragrante Harrieta’
Borissimo bursts into
song
Say goodbye to your
pastime and play lad
Say goodbye to your sowing
wild oats lad
Here’s an end to Ambra’s romps in the
hay lad
Here’s an end to your romps with the
girls...
Kwartenigo looks crestfallen
Kwartenigo: I’d hoped I could continue like you, Il Duce.
Borissimo: Cosa
intendi, Kwazers?
Kwartenigo: Well you managed to be ‘pantalone non sicari’
through two marriages. (Kwartengo nudges Borissimo
conspiratorially) Bambini Batardi qui e li?’
Borissimo: threateningly Attento, Fagiolo
Vecchio, Borissimo never discusses questione di famiglia.
Kwartengo: (wishing to lighten the mood) Well,
Il Douche-bag, I have a wheeze to distract us both from the assurdita di
brexit, which I know you will like...
Borissimo perks up
My task is to persuade Nicoletta-clearly-a-mad-suggestion-Morganna
to vote in favour of prorogation. Yours is to do the same with Ambra
‘ridiculous- suggestion-absolutely- outrageous-Rudda .The first to
succeed wins a Brexit Commemorative medallion to be presented by Jacob
Squeezy-Mopp.
Borissimo: Excellent, Primo Capitano and maybe we can have a
tenner on the side?
Borissimo and Kwartenigo turn to each other in complete
devotion and sing the aria
La Donna e mobile (Women are Fickle)
La Donna e mobile
Qual piuma al vento etc. Etc.
The Great Unwashed Vernacular
Choir joins in the chorus
These men are despicable
These men are dangerous
One is a Choc-ice
The Other is a racist
One lies; both obfuscate
Kick ‘em out before it’s too late
Kick these windbags out
Before it’s too late...etc. etc.
·
La Donna e mobile – Rigoletto ? but
what the heck –ed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glossary
la
conversazione – the conversation Le donne – women
‘giu in
boccia’ -down in the mouth stafo’d – bored
Consiglio dei
Ministri – Cabinet ‘Coltello
Gove nella parte posterior ‘-Gove’s knife
in the back
La mia
simpatia! La mia simpatia! Vecchio Mio! – You have my sympathy my old mate
Incubo – nightmare
Cosa intendi? – what do you mean?
‘pantalone
non sicari’ - an unsafe pair of trousers
Bambini Batardi qui e li?’ - a few bastard children here
and there
Attento,
Fagiolo Vecchio - Careful old bean assurdita di Brexit – The
absurdity of Brexit
Kwasi Fan
Tutti returns next week for
Act2: Following a champagne party at Jacob Squeezy-Mopps
Borissimo persuades Ambra to share a taxi home
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