Who the f...k do you think you are?
Mr.Nemo (presenter):
Today on the
programme we are privileged to have the multiple personality; the man affectionately known by his Squeeze
as ‘The Duracell Bunny’ ; the man once famously described by Prezza ‘2 jags/2 jabs/2 shags (take your choice–ed) Prescott as ‘Two Tags’.
I refer, of course, to Mr Grant Shapps.
Mr Shapps, what made you so keen to take time out from
climbing the greasy pole to climb up your family tree?
Happy Shappy:
Well, Nemo, (or may I call you Derek?) as you know Our
Country has been honoured that I have held High Office on a number of occasions.
As Minister of State for Housing, then Minister without Portfolio, then
Chairman of the Conservative party (Great
privilege; Great privilege), then Minister of State for International Development...
Nemo (interrupts)
Yes, yes we know how important you are; just get on with
it...
Happy Shappy (HS1)
Civil Servants (For whom I have to sincerely say I
have the greatest regard) constant refrain when I ordered them to do
anything was
“Who the f...k do you
think you are, Shapps?”
That got me to thinking that there must be other members of
the family, as well as myself, who deserved entry into the ‘Shapps Hall of Fame’.
Pappy Shappy was not much cop; I admit but, hey, let’s bring on the Ancestors
and see what they’re made of.
Nemo :
Characteristically sporting of you Mr. Happy Shappy; well, here
is a document, which may be of interest (pushes
a copy of a document from Companies House across the table) you’ll see from the picture that
you appear to have a twin brother. His name is Michael Green. He seems to be owner of a website HowToCorp and is
worth quite a lot of money. Our researchers cross- checked and Michael has
exactly the same birth-date as you. So we are pretty confident that he is your
twin. (Pushes a picture across
to Happy Shappy)
HS1:
This is marvellous. What a good lookin’ fellah, eh? This is
marvellous news!
Happy Shappy breaks down in tears.
I always sensed that there was something missing. Like I was
only reaching half of my true potential.
Nemo shuffles round the interview
table so that both he and Happy Shappy can see Nemo’s laptop
Nemo:
Nemo opens up Linkedin and types in ‘Sebastian Fox’. A picture of Happy
Shappy appears
Once again our researchers have done sterling work.
Sebastian Fox has the same date of birth as you. So it looks like you are not
one of twins but one of triplets. We called Sebastian to see if he was prepared
to help us with a DNA test just to make certain but unfortunately he was
unavailable. We are nevertheless 99% sure this is the brother of Michael Green
and yourself.
HS1:
I’m welling up! I’m welling up! (to camera) Excuse me if I pipe my eye. To be
HSI is unfortunate. To be HS2 (I can say as the new Transport Secretary) is
unlikely; but to be HS3 is incredible!
Nemo:
I’m afraid that’s all
we have time for tonight. Tune in next week when we trace Happy Shappy’s roots
back to a Garden Shed in Croxley Green and visit the place where his ancestors
first crept out of the sea on Chesil Beach
Camera pans back to
reveal the Revival Happy Shappy Choir breaking into a spontaneous(?) chorus of
One Grant Shapps;
there’s only one Grant Shapps
One Grant Shaaapps;
there’s only two Grant Shapps
Two Grant Shaaapps
there’s only three Grant Shitts etc. etc.
Camera fades with Happy
Shappy sobbing in Nemo’s arms...
Up my, my family tree
There hangs my curious pedigree,
My long, my lurid ancestry -
The prancing phantoms and ghosts
Of my rude forefathers.
Nevertheless, despite their sins,
Bless my kiths and bless my kins.
There they all perch to see
Up my, up my family tree.
There hangs my curious pedigree,
My long, my lurid ancestry -
The prancing phantoms and ghosts
Of my rude forefathers.
Nevertheless, despite their sins,
Bless my kiths and bless my kins.
There they all perch to see
Up my, up my family tree.
By Jake Thackray
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