Evesdropping

Evesdropping on Labour’s Post-mortem about the 2019 General Election

 

With yet another sensational “Clemantics” scoop we have just received the transcript of the meeting between the Labour Party’s top leadership four following their disastrous results in the December 2019 General Election.

Our source is as yet unidentified but we also have similar access to the top flight meeting of the Liberal Democrat leadership group which we hope to publish later.

“Clemantics” gathers that Labour Party campaign HQ was bugged (buggered? - ed) before and during the Election campaign. At the risk of being fingered as part of a CGC (CorbyGateConspiracy) Clemantics feels an obligation to its readership to bring, that which has fallen fortuitously into our laps into the public domain.

Our source (whose identity we will protect at all costs) believes he has identified those present at this Labour Central summit as follows:

Dramatis Personae

McCluster-Fuck: His strong Liverpudlian accent identifies him to be Len McCluster-Fuck, the head of Unite Union-voted in by 45.4% of the 12% of the membership who bothered to vote….but democracy is democracy and those are the Unite rulebook

‘Maoist Milne' : His cultivated, softer, deferential whine identifies him as none other than Seumas ‘Posh Boy Maoist’ Milne who led the campaign. Educated at Winchester College, Balliol Oxford and Birkbeck his socialist credentials are impeccable and taken mostly from his father Alasdair Milne, a former Director of the BBC. While at Winchester he stood in a mock election in 1974 as a Maoist candidate. While at Balliol Milne passionately identified with the Palestinian cause - he went around (it is alleged) speaking with a Palestinian accent and calling himself “Shams”.

(no kid? great name; a strange co-incidence that the whole Party was identified as Anti-semitic in the run up to the election, ed).

Richard Bygone-Age: The distinctive Yorkshire accent identifies him as Richard Bygone-Age, ex-solicitor and Shadow Justice Secretary. He has designs on the Deputy Leadership of the Party. Besides his accent, there is a mechanical delivery to his voice as if he was a ‘Speak Your Weight’ machine in a former life when these were common place...

J.C: His whimpering, and cries of anguish identify him as the leader himself the man so many had pinned their hopes on, as he had himself: hopes that he could make it from rebellious Labour Party troublemaker; armed rebellion supporter from Ireland to Palestine and Venezuela; Bennite anti-Eu opponent to peaceable libertarian socialist leader to the UK’s ‘promised land’

A chorus of Oh Jeremy Corbyn and Paolo Nutini's 10 out of 10 fades as the discussion gets underway...

McCluster-Fuck: Come on Jeremy. Don’t get downhearted lad. It was a great result. What a manifesto! We won the ideas! Next time with a bit more push we’ll be introducing it!!

‘Maoist Milne: Yes, Jeremy. What you did was sensational; quite sensational. There has never been such a fine manifesto and Leadership performance since….well, Clement Attlee…..and this was well before all our time wasn’t it ‘Comrades’ (he speaks this word as if he’s trying out a script that is expected of him rather than one he is familiar with, matter-of-factly)

Richard Bygone-Age: No, no no lad. Don’t despair. We could’na have won even with Keir Hardy ‘leading the line’ so ta speak, or Arthur Scargill. It was those Tory liars and their press like Murdoch and the Mail. The odds were agin uz, lad. We won the moral victory though. Ours was the right manifesto for the times. You’ll see. Voting public’ll come round once they get a bit more shafting from thar Johnson.

JC: Oh dear. Dearie, dearie me. Woe is me!! Where did it all go wrong? It was me, wasn’t it. ME ME ME

(sounds of startled surprise from the others as if they had never hear THE LEADER ‘do despair’ and ‘self-reflection’)

Mc-F: No lad, no. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It was a great result!

RB-A : Yes Jeremy. Really WE WON. We got the ethics right; told the truth; had a jaw dropping, ‘state of the art’ modernising Manifesto. We just didn’t get the spin of the ball sometimes. We were robbed. Cheated. Mugged. We were RIGHT and they were WRONG. End of….

‘M M’: We’ve nothing to reproach ourselves about. It was a perfect flawless performance and you-with the wonderful manifesto which I helped to draft-were all match winners.

JC: despairingly: But we’ve lost Scotland for good; parts of the North East for the first time ever; the West Midlands. Look at the arithmetic. Hopeless.

‘M M’ : Just a temporary setback old boy. Just temporary. We were taught at Winchester and I imagine it was the same for you at your jolly old Prep ‘alma mater’, Castle House School, that ‘we play to win’ and ‘win when we play’.

JC: (howl of despair again): But we didn’t win DID WE?!

MC-F: But my whole point Jeremy is WE DID. I’ve got this new bright lass Rebecca Long-Grass coming on through. I’ll see she gets to the top and takes over your mantle of success and builds from there. Let’s hear no more about it now, shall we, there’s a good lad. Pull yourself together

JC: (as if in pain) OHHHHHHHHHHH!

to be continued…..

http://clemantics.blogspot.com/