Diary
of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (2) (after George and
Weedon Grossmith)
Separated at Birth
May 21st
2020
Dear Diary it is now 6 months since I have written to you. It's not
through neglect, oh no. No-one can ever accuse Yours Truly of
neglect. The fact is I have been in a deep depression as no-one at
Bozza HQ has called me for weeks. I must confess silence from No.10
has been worrying me, not least because the expected invitation to
star in a 'Daily Briefing' has not yet arrived. (Hancock's into
double figures and even 'Shapeshifter' Shapps has knocked up 3
appearances).
So last week I put in a call to Mr Alka Seltzer (fizzing with ideas)
Cummings. I'm afraid it didn't go all that well.
“What do you want, Fatso?How's the Business Sec job going? Have you
negotiated that trade deal with Lichtenstein yet?” he says
chortling loudly down the phone.
“I was wondering whether you've got any special assignment for me”
says I
“ Stay at home. Stay out of sight; Protect Bozza's reputation.
Which part of this instruction do you not understand? Now just sod
off back to your stable and close the door. Don't call us we'll call
you.” with that the line goes dead.
May 22nd
I must say Mrs. Z has been a brick throughout Lockjaw. She keeps me
happy by leaving cheery little nursery rhymes on my vanity desk. Her
latest, sent today:
'Gee up, Naddy, Don't despair
Sometimes life seems to be unfair
Tomorrow will come a summons to Bozza's lair
A top job awaits you when you get there...
proves to be particularly prescient...
Not a peep out of
the mobile all morning so I was keeping myself alert by scrutinizing
back issues of Horse and Hound, featuring some gorgeous horse-meat
when Mrs. Z interrupted my train of thought by informing me that the
P.M.'s office was on the land-line, asking for me. Natch' I snatched
the phone from her.
“ Boris so good to
hear from you...” I declare.
Before I have a
chance to bandy manly chat with his eminence the unmistakable voice
of Ko Ming interrupts me
“It's the real
P.M., you fool. The Prime Manipulator; It's the Organ Grinder not his
Monkey. I've got a job for you. It's simple; even you can't mess up.
I'm sending you a statement about my trip 'Oop North'. You just have
to put it on your twitter page and get it published in the
Stratford-on-Avon Tit Bits. Think you can manage that without
screwing up?”
Ko Ming doesn't
know I am one step ahead of him as I overheard two of my constituents
discussing the 'Barnard Castle, I should have gone to Specsavers'
advert when I went to the paper shop to pick up this month's copy of
the 'Practical Horseman.' For once I have the upper hand with
Super-Spad.
“ I hear you're in
a spot of bother, Old Fruit. Don't go to see pater and mater; do go
to see mater and pater; Don't make unnecessary journeys; Do make
unnecessary journeys.” I say playfully.
“ Oh
very funny” 'Fizzer' replies, as if hit by an exocet “Just
remember, Old
Fruit,
you're not the only BAME fuckwit we have in government. Just keep the
jokes cumming and you'll find out just how expendable you are.”
Later – Mrs Z.
says it sounds like one of Fizzer's not so veiled threats. She's a
fine woman but she just doesn't understand men's joshing!
June 2nd,
2020
53 today and still as youthful and dashing as ever! I have placed my
picture on Instagram. So far only one heart emoji from Mrs Wisby at
the corner shop. A nice card from Boris and Dilyn, the dog, with the
rather cryptic message 'Time to write your memoirs?' I'm still
trying to work out what he's hinting at. Anyway, it inspired me to
review my diaries, which I have given the provisional title of 'My
Years Running The Country'. When the time is right I will place them
in the public domain. History, of course, will be the judge but I
reckon my scribblings will easily out-sell the 'Shepherd's Hut
Ramblings' of one David William Donald Cameron.
Later – I'm lounging in the bath relaxing with a copy of ' Champion
the Wonder Horse' (a present from one of my stable lasses; wink,
wink!) when down at the taps end 'Do you ken John Peel' (my ringtone)
goes off full blast.
It's the call I've been waiting for
“Hi, Nad! Bozza here. We're in a spot of bother over this Black
Lives Matter thing. Fizzer says I can't front up the Government
response because of all that Watermelon Smiles, piccaninnies stuff I
once said.
“Mere youthful hi-jinks, Prime Minister, youthful hi-jinks” I say
to assuage the sense of guilt he must be feeling.
“Exactly, Naddy!” he replies “Only trouble is it was only 2
years ago. Anyway the boss says I need to get back into the fridge
until it all blows over. Oh, here he is now...”
As usual the man jumps straight in without offering the pleasantries,
which I am due.
“Look here Tubbikins, we need an Asian to go on Question Time to
head off all this crap about racism in government. Sunak's too busy.
Patel's got her foot stuck in her mouth, as usual. Sharmarama's out
with the 'flu so that just leaves you.”
“You do know I am Kurdish, not strictly Asian, don't you, Mr. Ko
Ming”
“Kurdish, smurdish, what does it matter as long as you look Asian?
Now Let's get on with it. Fi Bruce is easy enough to handle. You just
have to talk over her – you're good at that. But you'll have to
watch out for 'Double Whammy' Lammy. He'll plant a left jab
between your owlish glasses; before you know where you are his right
hook will be saying hello to that fat chin of yours. Much as I would
enjoy seeing that, it would be bad for all of us at number 10.
Just in case you are thinking of going 'off script' by the way.
Don't. Or I'll send a firing squad round to your stud farm right
away. As 'Savage Jav' found out cross me and it's
“Load. BAME. Fire. “ Fizzer hoots uncontrollably
“OK 9.00 Thursday. The Beeb will send a car round as usual. Be
ready.”
Fizzer hangs up. I am ecstatic. Naddy 'Big Daddy' is back .Question
Time has always been the venue for my finest performances. I can't
wait...
To Be Continued
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