Diary
of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (3) (after George and
Weedon Grossmith)
Separated at Birth
Nadhim Zahawi Nadine Zimbabwe
July 1st,2020
Mrs. Z brings me my
usual afternoon snifter – Between The Sheets cocktail
' Your favourite' she
says coquettishly.
She's worried about me
sitting for hours on end in a darkened room sporting my hunting pink
watching recordings of my two Question Time triumphs. I can't deny
it: I am depressed. Even her offer of a rub down with horse liniment
fails to get the blood coursing.
I break off from the
bit where 'Double Whammy' Lammy looks pitifully to Fi Bruce as I
administer my coup de grace, to review one of my favourite
diary entries from the time entitled:
'Victory
Complete'
June 10th,2020
Receive call from his
Bozzership. Number 10 is particularly complimentary about my
performance on the Fi-the-Bruce show.
“Great performance,
Naddy” says he “ No-one could understand a bloody word. You've
invented the never-ending sentence: no-one knows where it's going
before it disappears up its own dependant clause - genius, ingenio
pura. Better patent it old boy, or I'll be using it myself, ho,
ho!
There are big things
planned for you, Alter Junge. The
Home Sec, she whose name must not be spoken, is still not cutting the
mustard. If you get my drift.”
“Well,
if my country needs me...in whatever capacity...” is my modest
response.
“ Well between you and me
Naddster, The Not-so-Pretty Petal has (as you horsey types would
say) the bit between her teeth with her new immigration policy. She
is all for sending you packing back to Iraq, that is your country
isn't it?... only joking, mon
vieux; just a bit of
Bullingdon Banter. We can't do without you. We need our Scheiße
Schaufler-in-chief here
ready with his shovel.
Anyway,
mon ami, keep that mobile phone handy at all times. Bozza will be back with '
Big Jobbies' for our favourite BAME."
I've kept my phone in my jodphurs ever since, despite odd looks from
the stable lasses, but John Peel (ringtone) has been completely
silent.
July
12th
At last a call from Number 10. It's the odious Pfizzer (Cummings)
but better than nothing, I suppose.
„ Hello, Fatso... the Ministry for Disinformation, here. Just put
down that copy of 'All You Ever Wanted to Know about French Fillies'
and pay attention“
„ I'm mucking out the stables, actually“ I protest.
„How appropriate!“ says he „ then this job will be right up
your street.“ (usual annoying chortling from Pfizzer).
„
We need someone to go onto Politics
Live after Prime
Minister's Questions. The Great Gaffer
is going to make one of his biggest gaffs yet and we need someone to
be in the studio to make His Idiotship look good when the solids hit
the fan.“
„
Do I get advanced information on the nature of the
gaff?“ I enquire (indicating
to Pfizzer that I'm now an old hand at this type of stuff).
„
Not your concern, Zimbabwe. Let's just say the
punch-line is something to do with Calvin Klein Briefs
(Below-the-belt
obession from Johnson as usual).
All this talk of face masks has turned his head. His Gaffership
thinks he can go out unmuzzled and tell jokes without realizing that
he is the
joke.
You'll be questioned by that North London girl-guide, Joanna
Cockburn, who still hasn't got the message that the days of
investigative journalism and probing questions are long past. When she
puts a question to you you've just got to keep to your usual
never-ending sentence routine. And don't try any of that Kurdish
anti-semitic stuff. We don't want trouble from her lot.“
„
The Kurds and the Israelis have been chums since
1950. I would have thought you knew that, Pfizzer.“ says I, going
on the offensive ('Big
balls; big balls, Naddy' I say to myself).
„Don't get clever with me, Nadine or I'll kick you and your Spad's
ass. Kurdish; Smurdish; what do I care? Just don't mention Zionism.
Remember, as it says in the Port advert, don't say Cock say Co...Try
not to Co it up, Tubbykins!“ ...Hysterical chortling down the phone
and then silence...
As I slip my mobile back into my jodhpurs I can hardly contain my
delight. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and can't resist a
wink. By the time Mrs. Z enters the door brandishing the biggest
flagon of horse liniment you've ever seen, I am jigging round my
study singing
'Happy days are here again; Naddy, the Daddy, is on the tube
again...'
'It's nice to see you back to your old self, Nad.' She says ' That's
the Stallion I married.'
„Up and at 'em, Mrs Z! Up and at 'em!“...
Jo Coburn learns that Nadine Zimbabwe will be
appearing on her show
More diaries will appear as we continue to emerge from Lockdown
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