Diary of a Nobody by Nadine Zimbabwe (4) (after George and Weedon Grossmith)
Separated at Birth: Nadhim Zahawi Nadine Zimbabwe
November 28th 2020
Whatta week!! I've scarcely had time for you, Dear Diary,! Horses have been bolting all over the place. I haven't panted with anticipation so much since Brexit Bozo took on Whingeing Remainer in the Cameron Cotswold Stakes at Stratford Gymkhana in '16!!
Splendid luncheon rounded off with a drop of best Kurdistan Doogh (Note to self: Don't offer this to the Patel Woman when she comes round or she'll set the immigration police on me).
Mrs. Z chaired our usual 'Hero of the week' award ceremony (a little thing we do!!). I was touched when she announced I had won it for the 40th time this year for 'steadfastness under enemy fire on Question Time and Politics Live'. Mrs. Z presented me with a beautiful rosette with a picture of Shergar in the middle (on reflection not sure about this as Shergar went mysteriously missing and was never found)
Later: Just administered a slice of good old British Justice to a stable-lad I caught sniggering at me as I emerged from the 'Unsaddling Enclosure' resplendent in Hunting Pink and shapely Joddhies in the company of Irma Horsey-Ttipe, our new (and very popular!) stable-lass. Mrs Z comes steaming out of the Tack Room in a lather.
“Someone on the blower, calling herself 'The Green Goddess' asking for you' “she says.
“Who's this?” I enquire masterfully
“Don't sound so wonderfully cross, Naddy. It's Bozzie Bear's Little Otter here, Sweetie.”
“Carrie, you wagette (we've been on Naddy-Carrie terms for awhile now!!)What's all this Green Goddess business?
Carrie laughing teasingly (IRRESISTIBLE!!!) Green for Eco warrior – OBVS. Green Goddess after those Churchillian fire engines that charged around everywhere putting out fires.
As you know BB is a bit of a fire hazard!” much chortling on both sides
** This is more what I had in mind!!
“Now Nad, Old Thing, I have a couple of questions for you.”
“Fire away, Little Otter. Fire away”
“Naddy you must behave. You know that LO-LO is BB's pet name – he would be frightfully jealous...Now to business. You are the Business Secretary after all, aren't you?
Question 1. What do you think of the Gover?”
“Splendid job on Brexit. No nonsense hard man...”
“Duplicitous back-stabbing, lying bastard-git. I think is what you're trying to say...”
“Couldn't have put it better myself, Princess.”
“What about, the awful Patel woman?”
“Perhaps a little heavy-handed at times, telegenic...” I venture
“I think what you're trying to say is she's a duplicitous, recklessly ambitious, talentless person, who should have stuck to selling newspapers but we are stuck with her!”
“Couldn't have put it better myself, darling”
“Well, Mr Zimbabwe “ Carrie says (in her serious this-is-official voice) I think you have passed the interview with flying colours. Bozzy's cabinet (or Gabinetto*, as I like to call it) is full of psychophants(Robert Jenrick), half-wits (Gavin Williamson), conspirators (Gover), sociopaths (you choose) splenetics (Dominic Raab) and doormats (Door Matt).
Bozzy Bear needs someone loyal, unquestioning beside him; someone who, when the whistle blows will go over the top shouting:
“Let me like a soldier fall this breast expanding for the ball.**“
That person is you Naddy...we would like to make you VACCINE CZAR”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabinetto is Italian for 'shitter'
** Words by Edward Fitzball
No comments:
Post a Comment