Diary
of a Nobody
Somebody by Nadine Zimbabwe (4) (after George
and Weedon Grossmith)
Separated at Birth:
Nadhim Zahawi Nadine Zimbabwe
October 1st:
Dear Diary I have neglected you dreadfully. But to be honest my feet have hardly touched the ground over the last two weeks. The Right Honourable Lana (the Lady wife) has just locked me in my study with a mug of horlicks (or Horselicks, as we jokingly call it) and instructed me not to come out until I am up-to-date with my entries!
“Naddy, Azizakam” she says to me “ The day will come when you will have to take to your Shepherd's Hut to write your memoirs, then you will thank me” As the key turns in the lock, I shout out my appreciation.
”Remember the old Kurdish saying 'The lazy fat camel must be whipped to make him move' she says as she goes down the stairs making swishing noises'.
Of course she's right, now that the sky is the limit, I must keep an accurate record of events for posterity. So this is how Boris' 'Night of the boning knives' unfolded:
September 12th
Yours truly is down at the stables mucking out with his favourite stable girl, Tawanda (somehow I've managed to keep it from 'The Prit Stick' that she hasn't got a visa).
“Oh Mr. Right Honourable, I love it when you sing to me...Please can we have 'Cheery Stable Lad' again.” she says leaning delightfully on her broom. Of course, I oblige (what can a red-blooded male do?)
“I'm just a cheery stable lad
Shovelling shit is what I do
Ask me who do I do the shovelling for
My answer's I haven't a clue...”
Before I set off on verse 2, my 'burner' phone starts vibrating in my jodhpurs. It's the Turnip (Dom Raab). Naddy's antennae are immediately on red alert, as before the Karate Kid has only ever sneered at me across the cabinet table. God knows how he got hold of my number.
“Shalom Fatso, I mean Nadine, didn't I always say that we 'Men of the Diaspora' must stick together? Well, I've just been with the PM and it seems that Private Pike, the Yorkshire Twitter, is at last due for the chop. I've put in a word for you as the next Sec of State for Education.
You know, you have been an outstanding Vax Czar. The PM loved your 'Get a Vax, less painful than a Bikini Wax' campaign
“Well, I did nothing really...” I reply. (wondering where this is going)
“ Well exactly, just what the PM hoped for! Anyway, I was thinking that maybe one good turn deserves another. Cards on the table, my old soul mate, I'm in a spot of bother thanks to those Taliban Tossers. No 10. seems to think that it was 'unwise' to be topping up my tan on the beaches of Heraklion when Kabul was about to fall – a bit rich when he and Nut-Nut are always off on some freebie. Then there was the whole paddleboard affair. Some Papadopulos offered me a test drive for free. How was I to know that he was undercover from the Athens Bugle? As soon as I climb aboard, out comes his Nikon, he's snapping away and next thing the pictures are syndicated and posted across the globe.”
“Beware of Greeks bearing gifts! So now you're up shit Greek without a paddleboard” I quip.
“ Too right. Two-bit Truss has been trying to ease me out for a while now. Whenever there's a glitch at the Foreign Office, Boner Boris starts goading me with talk of the need for a more explosive TNT (Tits'n'Teeth) diplomacy. Did you know that the Trussler has a daily call to no.10. According to the Civvies, there's always banter and lots of giggling at both ends? You'd do well to keep on the right side of her, Naddy.
Anyway to continue, you know how the PM's brain sinks below the belt when it comes to attractive women. I was just talking the Bojjer round nicely about this Afghanistan thing when Princess N-N barges in. She goes up to Bojjer gives him a slap.
“What are you doing cozying up to him? You should be whipping Black-Belt's Khyber Pass” She turns to me and says 'You're dead meat Mr. Rabid we're calling in a girl to clear up your mess.
What's more, since operation Vax Max has been such a success, we've got a new 'hard man' in our lives, haven't we Bozzy Bear?” She gives the Bojjer another slap. “Go on tell him about The Bankok Bruiser.”
“ She's referring to Nadine Zimabwe. We're sending Gav 'The Spiderman' back to Scarborough to work on his new big idea 'green fireplaces'. The Missus says we need a brain-challenged heavyweight to soak up the punches coming in from the Teachers' Unions, Nadine fits the bill.
“I rather like that Bankok Bruiser. I've got a mare in foal...” I muse thoughtfully
“Oh not you as well...” says the Dominator
I ignore this interjection “I think that has to be our new horsey's name. I can just see Stratford Gymkhana 2023:- ' ...and it's Bankok Bruiser coming up on the rails; it's Bankok Bruiser by a length from 'Up the Khyber'...
(The Turnip gives a forced laugh)
“ Well, here's the point, Nad, my ole Bestie. I've been told to fcuck off out of the fcucking FO so I need you to put in a word to stop me being completely shafted by the Princess.
“Ooh! I don't know, what can I do? “ I replies (I understand the rules of this game!!). Can't see much in it for me. “
“Let me put it this way, a certain Romanian stable lass sent me some interesting pictures, which might be of interest to the 'Princess' and would certainly be dynamite in the hands of The Priti Poisonous, Home Secretary'...Now look Nadster, I'm a pragmatist; I know how to do Real-Politik.
“Sorry, Turnip, Spanish football is all Greek to me (Ho! Ho!); Point-to-Point, National Hunt – now that's a different matter...” says Zimbo (at his witty best!!)
“ I'm just ignoring that” mutters Turnip “I think with your super-powers of persuasion – I'm thinking your star turn with Mme Konigsburger of the BBC – You could persuade Princess to see her way to making me Deputy PM, if I step back from diplomatic duties. (In fact, it would be a relief not to have to deal with Johnnie Foreigner)
At that precise moment (is it fate?) burner phone 2s ring-tone starts belting out “ No-reins, like a painted wild mustang...”
“ Sorry Dim Dom” I expostulate. That's the PM's hot-line; I've gotta go...
Don't miss the next instalment of 'The Diaries' in which Nadine (Zimbabwe – not Dorries!!) receives a call from No. 10 and Zimbo discusses his 'novum curriculum' with the Bojjer
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