The Parable of the New Gaderene Swine - a reading from the Letters of St. Andrew of Burn'em to the Corbynistas. Chapter 1 verses 1 to 14

 

The Parable of the New Gaderene Swine

 

Today's reading is taken from the Letters of St. Andrew of Burn'em to the Corbynistas. Chapter 1 verses 1 to 14

1. And there was great wonder amongst the people as the man named Barmy Boris came down from a mounting to the earth below. 'What is this place?' enquired Boris the Barmy of the Reptile by his side.

2. 'It is the North or to be precise it is Salford-in-Redwall' replied the Evil Lizard, brandishing his trident. 'All this can be yours.'

3. 'A tempting offer, Old Chum, but isn't it a bit desolate. I'm more of a Gamorrah type myself.'

4. And Lo, as he spake these words, Carrie-Ann, The Angel of Mercy appeared before His Barminess. 'Oh, cripes, what brings you here? complained the King of-all-I-survey ' I thought you were in the desert saving our canine friends.'

5. 'I have come to cleanse your soul and save the planet as well. So much to do...so little time.'

6. 'Avert your eyes; close your ears, your Barminess' advised the Reptile 'I offer unbridled lies, effortless obfuscation, more Vanity Projects than you have children. In short, King of the World status indefinitely.'

7. 'Silence fiend, Get thee back to the Duchy of Lancaster or Aberdeen whence thou camest. I will cast out the wicked demons, which inhabit Boris the Barmster.'

8. Oh must you?' pleaded Boris ' Just as it was getting interesting.'

9. Now it happened that a host most porcine were abiding in the same metropolitan area as Salford-in-Redwall. 130,000 over-fattened pigs were at the same time thrusting their noses in the trough in nearby Munchester.

10. Su-snack, the Swineherd was feeding the hoggish assembly. Squeals of delight could be heard for miles around. Susnack, who loved nothing more than making pigs happy poured more and more swill into the troughs.

11. On hearing these noises, the Angel of Mercy flew into a rage. I will cast out Barmy's demons into these mindless swine. It will solve the ageing pig problem and put Su-snack's nose out of joint at the same time.

12. Carrie-Ann turned to Boris the Barmy ' Out demons, out!' she commanded. There was a piteous wailing as lies of Brexit, dodgy covid deals, immigration obfuscations, and a multitude of plain porky pies spewed out of the mouth of the Barmster.

13. The Demons made straight for Su-snack's troughs where they were eagerly gobbled up by the greedy, unknowing pigs. Instantly, grunts of delight were replaced by hysterical squealing. The pig host then, as one, foresook their troughs, rampaged through the streets of Munchester and Salford-in-Redwall before throwing themselves headlong into the Munchester Ship Canal.

14. Not one of the 130,000 survived. And there was weeping and wailing in the Northern Lands as the Pork Scratchings Famine continued for 40 days and 40 nights.

Here endeth the lesson.