Cabinet Mastermind

 

Cabinet Mastermind

 

 

 

Humpy Friss:Welcome viewers to Cabinet Mastermind 2021

The show where contestants compete with each other to replace Carryon Simon as the Post-Cummings Cabinet Mastermind

The rules are simple: Spin, obfuscation, distortion, deceit or blocking are all ruled in but sincere, guileless, candid answers are all ruled out.

Let's meet our first contestant. Your name please.

MH: Matt Hanco

HF: Your occupation?

MH: Chief Sucker-in-Cabinet and NHS Chumpion

HF: Your chosen specialist subject?

MH: Covid Stats;

HF: So Mr Hanjob 2 minutes on Covid Stats. Let’s crunch those numbers, starting now.

HF: How much has the hand-out to Dildo Hardon for Track and Trace cost the tax payer so far?

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth) a few billion?

HF: I'm going to press you for an exact figure...

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth)

HF: The answer is in fact: £22 billion with a further £13 billion to be added by Dishi Rishi, which brings it up to £35 billion. Incidentally that will mean Dildo's budget is bigger than that of the Department of Transport. Shappy's not happy about that – he prides himself on always being in a 'mine is bigger than yours' situation!

HF: If Luxemburg is 1; Netherlands is 3; Ireland 4; Belgium 5 then what is UK?

MH: The UK is always number 1 for me, Humpy (Fingers his new NHS on a union flag background badge)

HF: Wrong. The right answer is 16. The question is, of course, about nurses pay - Luxemburg pays its nurses the most followed by USA. UK is down at 16, I'm afraid - in danger of relegation from the 'fair-pay-for-nurses' league. Nurses net  loss of income since 2010 is estimated to be £800

HF: How many Covid-related contracts were awarded without competition by the Chumocracy ...I'll accept to the nearest 10

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth) Could you repeat the question?

HF: No sorry. I have taken the dog whistle as your answer. The number of contricks awarded is 115 worth a total of £1.1 billion

HF: Which of the following is the odd one out; Ayanda Capital, Randox, Hospital Services Ltd, Edenred?

MH: Hospital Services - The only contract worth less than £100 million

HF: Whilst that is true the correct answer is Edenred, which was handed £234 million to provide starvation rations for children receiving free school meals. The others received their hand-outs for so-called 'clinical related' services.

HF: Who purports to be 'The Pub Landlord'

MH: That's easy: the amusing Al Murray

HF: Well no! It is in fact the not so amusing Alex Bourne, your Old Mukker from the Cock Inn, Thurlow, who received £30m to supply Covid test tubes

HF: If Taiwan is 7; New Zealand 25; Singapore 29; Norway 550, and Finland 655. What is UK?

MH: Well, I'm proud to say we, in the UK win this one hands-face-space down (chortles at his own witticism).125,000

HF: Correct. UK has just reached 125,000 covid related deaths

HF: What percentage of applicants for self-isolation payments (a key element in stopping people going back to work unnecessarily) have been successful

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth)

HF: Aw, ah is not the right answer, I'm afraid. It is in fact 35% or put another way: 74,400 of a total of 212,000 claimants

HF: How many Covid-related deaths amongst Health and Care workers have there been up until January 2021?

MH: looking down at something he appears to have written on his hand. Now let me be absolutely clear every one of those dead people is a hero, or more accurately was a hero. (blubs uncontrollably) My heart goes out to all of them, except perhaps those who were over-weight because of poor diet. And those who had other conditions, in which case they should not be in the statistics at all.

HF: Yes, all very well, but would you care to put a number on it?

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth). Pass.

HF: How many nurses are currently considering leaving the NHS ... (peep, peep signals time is up) I've started; let's hope you're finished . Your time is up.

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth). Pass.

HF: Well Mr Cock-up at the end of that round you have scored 1 point. You passed on 2 questions:

The number of Covid-related deaths amongst Care and Health workers is in fact: 883

How many nurses are looking to leave the profession. The answer is 36%. The House of Commons Public Accounts Committee's Report quotes a survey from the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) suggesting that 36% of respondents were considering leaving in the next year, with two-thirds attributing this to low pay and almost half claiming it was due to their treatment during the pandemic.

Thank you, Mr. DoorMatt for not answering any of the questions.. We will look forward to seeing you in the general lack-of-knowledge round.

Next Contestant...your name please...