SUCK IT UP or 'The DYSE MAN COMETH'

 

SUCK IT UP or 'The DYSE MAN COMETH'

(From an original idea, with grateful thanks to Graham Green’s, ‘Our Man in Havana’).

Scene: The Prime Minister’s private office

The phone rings to the tune of Rule Britannia

Bozo: Hello? Prime Minister here.

Dyspepsia: PM, James Dyspepsia, Singapore.

Bozo: Hello Mr Singapore what can I…..

Dyspepsia: No PM, its James Dyspepsia calling from Singapore.

Bozo: Oh, I beg your pardon James, lovely to hear from you and what’s the weather like in Singapore?

Dysphoria: Hot and sweaty, Prime minister.

Bozo: Very good, just as I like it. Huh, huh, huh, huh.

Dyscrasia: Yes, well, look here PM, I hear you’re crying out for ventilators.

Bozo: Too bloody right and that’s the last time I let Door Mat spend his tuck money without supervision – the little bugger went out and bought shares in some company or other – all above board of course but, well, anyway James, you were saying…

Dysentery: Well, I was just thinking what with lockdown, hygiene’s gone out the window and sales of vacuum cleaners are, shall we say, particularly low. So we’re offering to turn our production over to churning out ventilators which we’re happy to donate to you for the purpose of treating Covid.

Anyway, I’ve sent a diagram of the design over to you which I’m sure you’ll agree is top notch!

Bozo: James, I’m looking at it now, but I have to say the design looks incredibly similar to your latest vacuum cleaner – not that I have any experience of such makhana!

Dysthymic: Absolutely right Prime Minister – and may I congratulate you on your absolutely spaffing use of the Doric Greek for machine!

Bozo: You’re too kind!

Dyspnoea: But that’s the beauty of it. We’ve used our current design and, in fact, with just a few tweaks have transformed it into a ventilator; which at the flick of a switch reverts to its original usage thus, not only saving lives but also saves on the cost of cleaning.

Bozo: Bloody brilliant James! When can we have ‘em?

Dystopia: Inmediatamente! Just a question of the little problem of my guys having to pay tax if they come to Blighty. Seems a bit, you know…

Bozo: Pas de probleme old son – leave it with me, a quick phone call will settle that.

Dyscobolus: Great! Speak soon…

Three Months Later...

Bozo: James, Prime Minister here.

Dyscoidal: Yes PM?

Bozo: Well, just a minor point. These ventilators of yours…

Dyscredit: Went down a treat, eh?

Bozo: Not quite… apparently they were supposed to ventilate but all they did was suck the bloody oxygen and life out of the poor sods. But let me just say, the suction was bloody brilliant – on the upside, their insides were clean as a whistle; the downside was that they all expired – a clean death you might say! Ha! Ha!

Dysaster: Christ! People are never satisfied! Just one little thing is all it takes and we’re buggered! I suppose that puts the kybosh on any future contracts?

Bozo: Not at all my old chum. Don’t worry about that. Oh no, we want to order a whole load more – our hospitals have never been cleaner!

 

 

71 Brexit Forms

                                                          (To the tune of 76 Trombones)

CHORUS

71 Brexit forms extra staff to pay

Every one correct or there’s hell to pay

I’m filled with dread cos my stock might all be dead

If mistakes are made and there’s delay

 

 

Oh Happy days now Brexit’s finally here

And Bojo says the future’s clear

The sunny uplands they are now in sight

So poo poo to all who think its shite

 

CHORUS

There’s paper here, there and everywhere

And exporters must be aware

Life is tough

And Johnson’s playing rough

So where does it leave you, in despair

CHORUS

 

But just a mo’, we’ve got our sovereignty

And oh how good now that we are free

Freed from the shackles

That held us Marley like

And Third World status is our right

CHORUS

Finally, Brexit’s done and dusted

A pity that the economy is busted

Yet many believe

Our future’s ours to forge

So let’s cheer

For England

And St George!!

 

FINAL CHORUS

 

 

Cabinet Mastermind

 

Cabinet Mastermind

 

 

 

Humpy Friss:Welcome viewers to Cabinet Mastermind 2021

The show where contestants compete with each other to replace Carryon Simon as the Post-Cummings Cabinet Mastermind

The rules are simple: Spin, obfuscation, distortion, deceit or blocking are all ruled in but sincere, guileless, candid answers are all ruled out.

Let's meet our first contestant. Your name please.

MH: Matt Hanco

HF: Your occupation?

MH: Chief Sucker-in-Cabinet and NHS Chumpion

HF: Your chosen specialist subject?

MH: Covid Stats;

HF: So Mr Hanjob 2 minutes on Covid Stats. Let’s crunch those numbers, starting now.

HF: How much has the hand-out to Dildo Hardon for Track and Trace cost the tax payer so far?

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth) a few billion?

HF: I'm going to press you for an exact figure...

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth)

HF: The answer is in fact: £22 billion with a further £13 billion to be added by Dishi Rishi, which brings it up to £35 billion. Incidentally that will mean Dildo's budget is bigger than that of the Department of Transport. Shappy's not happy about that – he prides himself on always being in a 'mine is bigger than yours' situation!

HF: If Luxemburg is 1; Netherlands is 3; Ireland 4; Belgium 5 then what is UK?

MH: The UK is always number 1 for me, Humpy (Fingers his new NHS on a union flag background badge)

HF: Wrong. The right answer is 16. The question is, of course, about nurses pay - Luxemburg pays its nurses the most followed by USA. UK is down at 16, I'm afraid - in danger of relegation from the 'fair-pay-for-nurses' league. Nurses net  loss of income since 2010 is estimated to be £800

HF: How many Covid-related contracts were awarded without competition by the Chumocracy ...I'll accept to the nearest 10

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth) Could you repeat the question?

HF: No sorry. I have taken the dog whistle as your answer. The number of contricks awarded is 115 worth a total of £1.1 billion

HF: Which of the following is the odd one out; Ayanda Capital, Randox, Hospital Services Ltd, Edenred?

MH: Hospital Services - The only contract worth less than £100 million

HF: Whilst that is true the correct answer is Edenred, which was handed £234 million to provide starvation rations for children receiving free school meals. The others received their hand-outs for so-called 'clinical related' services.

HF: Who purports to be 'The Pub Landlord'

MH: That's easy: the amusing Al Murray

HF: Well no! It is in fact the not so amusing Alex Bourne, your Old Mukker from the Cock Inn, Thurlow, who received £30m to supply Covid test tubes

HF: If Taiwan is 7; New Zealand 25; Singapore 29; Norway 550, and Finland 655. What is UK?

MH: Well, I'm proud to say we, in the UK win this one hands-face-space down (chortles at his own witticism).125,000

HF: Correct. UK has just reached 125,000 covid related deaths

HF: What percentage of applicants for self-isolation payments (a key element in stopping people going back to work unnecessarily) have been successful

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth)

HF: Aw, ah is not the right answer, I'm afraid. It is in fact 35% or put another way: 74,400 of a total of 212,000 claimants

HF: How many Covid-related deaths amongst Health and Care workers have there been up until January 2021?

MH: looking down at something he appears to have written on his hand. Now let me be absolutely clear every one of those dead people is a hero, or more accurately was a hero. (blubs uncontrollably) My heart goes out to all of them, except perhaps those who were over-weight because of poor diet. And those who had other conditions, in which case they should not be in the statistics at all.

HF: Yes, all very well, but would you care to put a number on it?

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth). Pass.

HF: How many nurses are currently considering leaving the NHS ... (peep, peep signals time is up) I've started; let's hope you're finished . Your time is up.

MH: Aww...ah..(whistles through teeth). Pass.

HF: Well Mr Cock-up at the end of that round you have scored 1 point. You passed on 2 questions:

The number of Covid-related deaths amongst Care and Health workers is in fact: 883

How many nurses are looking to leave the profession. The answer is 36%. The House of Commons Public Accounts Committee's Report quotes a survey from the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) suggesting that 36% of respondents were considering leaving in the next year, with two-thirds attributing this to low pay and almost half claiming it was due to their treatment during the pandemic.

Thank you, Mr. DoorMatt for not answering any of the questions.. We will look forward to seeing you in the general lack-of-knowledge round.

Next Contestant...your name please...

In the Psycho Chair today we have the Cabinet Minister-for-Self-Promotion, Elizabeth Mary Trusst

 

In the Psycho Chair – a series of interviews with Cabinet Psychos

by Dr. Anton Claire (in fond memory of Dr Anthony Clare)

(Do-do-do-dodo-dodo-doo Mozartian music fades into background)

Dr.AC:In the Psycho Chair today we have the Cabinet Minister-for-Self-Promotion, Elizabeth Mary Trusst, known by her detractors as Little Miss Dotty (you fill in the dots...). Known simply as Miss Trusst by those colleagues who have, after cabinet meetings, found her leaving card skewered between their shoulder blades.

Miss Trusst, welcome.

ET: Yes, you are...

AC: If I may get straight to the point, your father is a Professor of Pure Mathematics at Leeds University. He is a man with strongly held political views, which you characterise as 'Loony Left'. He is a man revered by his peers for his intelligence and humanity, yet you seldom mention him.

ET: He didn't seem to notice I was there...not that I cared at all...I remember coming home from school at the time of the '83 election. I had dressed as Mrs Thatcher for the occasion. He just said blue was not my colour.

AC: And you have dressed in red ever since?...You have been quiet about your own academic career. You went to Oxford, of course, but it is impossible to find out what degree you achieved. Your high-flying father and the accolades heaped upon him must have left you with a burning sense of inadequacy... and then there is your three brothers...you never mention them.

ET: Well, I was told to be ready for your foolish post-Freudian nonsense. You'll be accusing me of 'penis envy' next

AC: Yes indeed. Is that why you embarked on an ill-advised affair with the larger-than-life Member for London and Westminster, Mark Field...

ET: I was just playing the Field. That's all. The Turnip Taliban* nearly sacked me for that. Pathetic.

AC: Better to be in the sack, I suppose, than get the sack. The Cognoscenti tell me that you like to call yourself “The Truss'”. Do you see yourself as a surgical support?

ET: Yes; I do think that's what is needed in Cabinet these days...

AC: Let me turn to some of the things you have said on your way up your greasy poll:

*From the coffee bars of Camden to the gin joints of Norfolk - across Britain, a revolution is brewing. 

 *Britain is a nation of Uber-riding, Deliveroo-eating, Airb'n'b-ing freedom fighters. 

 *I hate rodents. I mean, the House of Commons is completely infested 

 *I don't know if you've tasted crisps in other countries, but I really think British crisps are world leaders.

They're rather silly aren't they? Some are just plain insulting.

ET: I think they stand up.

AC: Oh come on! Economy built on crisps; Gin Palaces in Norwich; exploited workers on zero hours contracts, earning less than the minimum wage. Are you living with Mr. Moggster in the 18^th Century?

ET: You think you've caught me bang to rights...

AC: I think I have; and you will no doubt agree with the Guardian's Zoe Williams, who describes you as 'This self-aggrandising, sub-Thatcherite, Ayn Randophile** Tory'.

Let me finish (as any Irishman should) with a limerick just for you:

There was a young Miss called Trusst

 Who would throw herself under the bus 

 She said things so crass She brayed like an ass

 When ridiculed she just cursed and she cussed

• The Turnip Talaban – a reference to East Anglian Tory Fundamentalists

• Ayn Rand's philosophy is that unfettered self-interest is good and altruism is destructive. This, she believed, is the ultimate expression of human nature, the guiding principle by which one ought to live one's life.